


My Hands Have Made Some Good Mistakes (They Can Always Make Better Ones)

by ifwallscouldspeak



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Family Feels, Female Friendship, Fix-It, Getting Together, Islamophobia, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, Self-Acceptance, s4 rewrite
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2018-12-17 04:43:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 59,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11844171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifwallscouldspeak/pseuds/ifwallscouldspeak
Summary: He waits for her to find the words. But they’re hard coming, because all she feels is the weight of all of her actions. She doesn’t know why she’s getting everything so wrong, lately. Her emotions are all over the place, and she feels like she can’t even trust herself anymore.A post S04E05 rewrite, where Sana wrestles with her emotions, tries to be softer with herself, and learns to let other people in - no matter how terrifying that is (originally written for SKAM Fic Week, Day 4 -  rewrite/extend a canon scene).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write another S4 rewrite ever since the series ended, and lucky me, SKAM Fic Week gave me the opportunity to post one ;) Posting this a day late, but this is for Day 4, rewrite/extend a canon scene. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'm forever grateful for SKAM for giving me so many characters that I love, that are nuanced and so realistic, especially Sana. I love writing her and coming back to her and her relationships with all of the other characters. So this piece is an ode to them and my version of rewriting a lot of the things that (I thought) were just weird in terms of characterization or unresolved in terms of plot. Shout out to all the other fic writers with freaking amazing S4 rewrites (*_*) I have definitely been inspired by y'all.
> 
>  
> 
> As always, all grammar, spelling and syntax errors are my own. I do not own SKAM or the canonical characters. Thank you to @littlespooneven on Tumblr for organizing SKAM Week! :) And a special shout-out to SKAM English, without their scripts I would not have been able to write this! 
> 
>  
> 
> Title comes from an excerpt from "Least of All," by Natalie Wee: 
> 
> I kneel into a dream where I  
> am good & loved. I am
> 
> good. I am loved. My hands have made  
> some good mistakes. They can always
> 
> make better ones.

 

Sana’s hands are still shaking by the time she finds Eva again.

She’s standing by the bar, laughing with some girl Sana vaguely recognizes from one of her classes. As soon as Eva glances over at her, a wide smile on her face, the humor drops completely. Almost in a daze, Sana feels Eva's hands go around her, gripping her shoulders.

"Whoa, you okay?" Eva asks, concern etched into her face.

Sana says, "I - Elias just got into a fight, I think he might've punched Isak-"

Eva's eyes widen. "Wait, what?"

"I don't know," Sana says. "It's all just a blur. I was just standing here, talking to Noora-"

She cuts herself off, remembering the hurt look on Noora's face right before she ran outside. Her heart begins to pound with anxiety, and she feels her face go pale. _Shit_. Everything is happening all too quickly, and the adrenaline is pumping through her veins too rapidly. First the fight with Noora, then the boys’ fight outside, then what she just heard outside of the bathroom… Her head is spinning, and she feels off-balance. She needs to do something, anything, whatever is most within her reach.

"Sana?" Eva's fingers tighten. "Maybe we should get you outside, you look like you're about to pass out. You need air, or water, or something-"

"No, no, I just - have you seen Noora?" Sana asks.

"Noora? Huh?" Eva looks confused.

"Yeah, I have to find her-"

Eva furrows her brows. "I saw her a few minutes ago, she said she was going to find Yousef, I think, I don't know, she looked like she was in a hurry, or something. But Sana, you need to come with me-"

The girl Eva is speaking to interrupts. "That blonde you always hang out with, the one with the red lipstick? Yeah, she's definitely fine."

Both Eva and Sana look at the girl.

"Huh? You saw her?" Sana asks abruptly.

The girl smirks. "Oh yeah, I saw her. She was making out with someone. Cute, tall, had like a baseball cap on."

Sana feels her entire body freeze. "Huh?"

"Yeah, they were really going at it," the girl continues.

"Well, she must've found Yousef," Eva says, raising her eyebrows. "That was fast."

Sana thinks she is going to throw up. She feels her forehead begin to sweat, and shakily brings a hand up to wipe away the moisture there. Her vision begins to blur a little, and she can barely remember how to breathe properly. The short, quick bursts of air she sucks in suddenly don’t seem like enough. It feels like a panic attack, the same kind she used to have at Urra, before Jamilla -

“Sana?”

Of course Yousef and Noora would be kissing. This was just great. On top of everything that had happened already, there was this. Because, why not? Who would want to be with Sana when they could be with Noora? It’s just a huge slap in the face, a confirmation of every reason why she isn’t good enough.

She isn’t a good enough friend to say anything about William in the first place. She isn’t a good enough sister to calm Elias down from that fight. She isn’t a good enough leader to keep the Pepsi Max squad from stealing the bus right from under her.

She just isn’t fucking good enough. She’s pathetic. She’s a damned idiot for ever thinking she could have any of it.

"Sana!" Eva's worried tone barely reaches her ears. "Come on, you need some air."

Sana shakes her head and pulls out of Eva's grasp. "No, I'm - I'm fine."

"You’re not-"

Sana focuses all of her attention on Eva's face. Her drawn brows, the clear concern in her eyes, her pursed lips. Sana tries her best to call a smile to her face. But she knows it’s just something bitter and curt. She tries her best not to glance towards the bar and see her reflection in the glass.

"I just need to get out of here, actually," Sana says. "I have to - go home, try to find Elias, or something."

"Sana-"

"You stay here, have fun," Sana says.

She storms away before Eva can see the hot, angry tears welling up in her eyes.

 

+++

 

**Even Bech Næsheim**

_**[Today** 22:32 **]**_

Hi Even. Sorry you bother you. I just wanted to make sure you and Isak are okay.

We're fine, Sana. Are you okay?

Yeah. Fine.

Are you sure?

Don't worry about me.

I'm so sorry about Elias.

Sana, don't be.

I'm still with Isak now, but I can call you later, okay?

_**[Today** 23:14 **]**_

Sana?


	2. Chapter 2

Sana watched a movie once where nothing seemed to be going right for the main character.

It was a run-of-the-mill teen drama. In one scene - after the huge fallout happened - the main character looked in the mirror for about an hour. And then, she grabbed a pair of rusty scissors from the kitchen, before cutting off all of her hair. When she went back to school the next day, locks haphazardly chopped off, she felt more confident. Lighter and free from all the self-doubt and anger that had been plaguing her.

Sana looks at herself in the mirror, thinking of that movie, and wonders if that would work for her.

Because she had spent the entire weekend in her room, barely eating, barely sleeping, unable to pray at all. She had kept herself basically isolated; she avoided all of Elias’s knocks on her door, all of the memes and messages from the girls, all of the tentative “can we talk”s from Isak. Images of the bullshit that she endured at Urra flashed behind her eyes and the ugly things she had heard from the past weekend played over and over, like a looped soundtrack.

Obviously, she wouldn’t show off her new haircut at school. But was that part necessary to get over the rage? The performance, of it all? Or would it be enough, simply to have control over something, to snip and stab and tear?

Sana looks at her own reflection in the mirror, and then down at the scissors on her vanity. She sighs, and reaches out. She grabs a pin and begins to fix her hijab, trying to make sure the cloth falls perfectly.

Maybe that’s the difference, between her and the girl from the movie. Sana can’t thrive off of the chaos. She wants to bottle up all her rage and stuff it far into a corner and pretend it isn’t there. She wants to seem cool and unaffected; detached and put together. Perfect. Unblemished. Because if there was one thing she learned being bullied, it was that it was always, always fucking worst when they saw you cry.

She picks up her phone, and for the hundredth time in the past few months, considers texting Jamilla.

_I’m just trying to protect you._

She closes her messages, and opens up Facebook instead. She stares at the app for a long moment, almost mindlessly scrolling through her feed. She pauses when she sees a notification from the "Flawless Since '99" group. It's something about how much fun SYNG was, and that everyone should do it again.

She grinds her teeth together, and then before she can stop herself, she leaves the group. She reminds herself she's off the bus anyway; why should she keep getting messages from any of them? It's better this way. Her phones rests in her hand for a moment, a heavy weight. She bites down on her lip, and looks at herself in the mirror. Maybe this was better than the main character from the movie cutting off all her hair. Because this? It was Simple. Clean. Easy. 

Almost clinically, she unfriends and blocks all of the old Pepsi Max squad, starting with Sara. 

 

+++

 

“What is this?”

Sana stops a few feet from Vilde, Eva, Chris and Noora, trying to keep her face passive. She wants to scoff back at Eva. She wants to ask, _ah, so no hi, no how are you, no Sana the last time I saw you, you were in tears, are you okay?_ Instead, Sana straightens her shoulders, and rehearses the script she came up with that morning over again in her mind.

“I dropped out of the bus,” she says, as if it’s obvious.

And it is.

“Uh, what?” Chris is confused.

“I’m not going to be Russ.”

Eva furrows her brow. “Now that we’ve gotten a bus, and people, and everything sorted, you want to drop out?”

“Wait, what’s happening?” Chris asks.

“It’s just not that important to me to be Russ.”

Noora says, “It was pretty important to you a just little while ago?”

Sana clenches her teeth and looks at the girls surrounding her. These beautiful Norwegian girls, with their pale colors and their cool. Are they really so ignorant of what was happening? She stares at each of their faces, reflecting something different back at her. Noora’s tired but almost blank face, Chris’s exaggerated confusion, Eva’s indignant disbelief, and Vilde’s practically stoic frown. Sana wants to pull out a mirror, show them their own faces.

How could they not have noticed anything that was happening? How can they stand there and think this is all really about Russ? Why couldn’t they have heard the snarky comments, why hadn’t they ever seen the snide faces? Don’t they understand that Sana didn’t fit in with them? From day one, she had known that, no matter how hard she tried to push it down.

Their first meeting, when Chris had introduced her to the girls; it wasn’t much different than it is right at this moment. Sana stands in the schoolyard and thinks about it.

How Vilde definitely didn’t want her there; how Noora only agreed as if it were a challenge. How Chris laughed the entire time, thinking how hilarious it was for a Muslim to do Russ; how Eva just stared at her in shock and a little bit of horror.  

Sana is tired and angry and she wishes that she had stopped trying so hard to fit where she clearly wasn’t wanted a long time ago.

“Maybe I’ve realized that it goes against my values to watch girls drop all self-respect for a pinecone tied to your russehat.”

She walks away without waiting for a response. When she bumps into Vilde, she doesn’t even bother to turn around and apologize. She had felt the flinch, felt Vilde’s condemnation on her back.

It’s fine.

It's how it should’ve been, anyway.

 

+++

 

Sana can barely look at Isak as she sits down, biting on her lower lip. He has a flower tucked behind his ear, and his eye is still purple-blue. She’s sure that a few different people have shot her a dirty look as she opens her notebook up.

“Hi,” she says, awkwardly clearing her throat.

“Hi,” he says, head down and peeking at her through the corner of his eyes.

“How’s-”

“Fine.”

“I’m sorry, about - my brother -” Sana swallows. “He had no right, absolutely no right -”

Isak chuckles slightly. “It’s - it’s fine. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“What he did was wrong,” Sana frowns. “Isak-”

Isak turns to look at her fully. “Seriously, let’s drop it. I’m embarrassed enough as it is.”

Sana clenches her hands into fists underneath the table. She turns to face forward fully, palms clammy, as their teacher starts the lesson. This whole thing is just another example of how badly she’s fucked up, of how truly by herself she is.

He whispers, “Can’t you help me, Sana? I’m so fucked, I’m so far behind.”

The words are flowing out of her before she can stop them. “I’m sorry. You need to realize the hard truth.”

He sounds confused. “That I’ll get a four?”

“No,” she says, shutting down everything - her face, this conversation, her emotions - “That you’re alone.”

She can feel Isak’s stare, confused and hurt, on the side of her face. But she keeps her gaze forward, on their teacher.

 

+++

 

Sana tries to keep her spine straight as she strides past the Pepsi Max squad, but she hears the snide comments anyway. She tries not to breathe; she is sure, with her blood boiling, fire will come out and she’ll burn them all.

“- Beat up Isak outside SYNG, do you hear? Probably because he’s gay,” Ingrid says.

“That’s a hate crime,” Sara announces.

Mathilde agrees. “Do you think he showed up to try and - you know, like, finish the job, or…?”

It’s that comment that made Sana pause.  She glances at them, and then follows their gaze halfway across the yard. Sana almost trips once she sees the two brown figures, sitting on the low wall, waiting for her. She’s so surprised that her body begins to walk towards them on its own accord, even though she wants nothing more than to scowl and breeze right by them.

“Is he with that ‘97 football girl, you know, the one who’s like, already engaged?” Sana vaguely hears Ingrid say.

“I heard it was an arranged marriage thing,” Laila says, attempting to whisper.

Sana stops short a few feet in front of Jamilla and Elias, staring at them critically. She can’t remember the last time she saw the pair together. Maybe at Amir’s graduation party.

“Hi, Sana,” Jamilla says.

Sana’s throat tightens; her voice is as soft and kind as she remembers it being. She wants to be on the defensive, but she suddenly has no energy for it. All of the anger she’s carrying in her stomach, all of the tension in her shoulders, immediately feels like it deflates. Even when she glances at Elias, she can’t scourge up the self-loathing and bitterness. She just feels tired.

Sana tries to clear her throat. “Hi.”

“I’m just picking up a friend from school,” Jamilla tells her. “And I saw Elias over here, and I just came by to say hey.”

It punches Sana in the gut to hear Jamilla say that; like she has to explain herself to Sana.

“Jamilla was just telling she’s in the nursing program at university,” Elias says.

Sana smiles, for what feels like a real emotion, in the first time in days. “Wait, really? That’s great, Jamilla.”

“Thanks, Sana,” Jamilla smiles back. “It’s hard but I love it.”

“I told Jamilla she should swing by the house sometime soon,” Elias says carefully. “Maybe we can all hang out.”

 _Like we used to_ hangs in the air, between all of them.

Sana moistens her bottom lip. “Okay.”

Jamilla’s smile widens. “Maybe later this week? I’m always studying, so I can bring some stuff over. Show you what I’m learning. Though, I’m sure you already know all of it.”

Sana laughs, startled. “Oh. Oh, yes. I’d like that.”

“Cool,” Jamilla says. “I’ll text you.”

Jamilla gives Elias a quick hug, then stands up and stretches. Sana watches as she hesitates for a moment, and then leans in to give Sana a hug as well. Sana breathes in, her breath hitching slightly. She recognizes Jamilla’s lotion right away; it smells like vanilla and coconuts. Sana squeezes Jamilla a little bit too tightly, and then, before she’s ready, the hug is over.

The last person she hugged as Chris, and it was only a few days ago. Yet that seems to far away. Sana didn’t realize how starved for touch she was until Jamilla is walking past her, a gentle smile on her face.

Sana shifts her weight, and then looks at her brother fully. He’s already staring back at her, eyebrow cocked.

“What are you doing here, Elias?” she asks; her tone isn’t harsh.

He says, “Let’s take a walk.”

 

+++

 

They end up near the park, quietly strolling past middle schoolers laughing and chasing one another around. When they finally stop near a bench, Sana sits a few feet away from her brother. She tilts her head back slightly, glancing up at the tree branches, noticing how the sun peeks through the leaves.

“You still mad at me?” He asks.

Sana shrugs.

“Well, I’m not mad at you anymore,” Elias says.

That gets her attention.

“Eh?” she snaps her head to look at him. “You were mad at me? You’re the one who beat up Isak and practically had Mahdi in a choke-”

“I was defending Mikael,” Elias interrupts, calmly. “Cause your buddy Isak threw the first punch.”

“-Hold.” Sana blinks. “Wait.”

“Yeah, wait,” Elias says.

“What?” Sana furrows her brow. “What do you mean, Isak threw the first punch? What happened?”

“Oh, now you wanna talk to me?” Elias snorts. “Now you want my side of the story-”

“Elias!”

“The boys and I were outside, trying to decide if we should stay or not,” Elias says.

“Huh?”

He shoots her a sidelong glance. “You didn’t tell me Even would be there.”

Dread slowly fills her stomach, and she says, defensively, “Why would that be a problem?”

Elias snorts. “It’s not like that.”

“Not like what?”

“You think we care that he’s dating your friend?” Elias shakes his head. “Even basically abandoned us, Sana. He made it clear that he didn’t want to have anything to do with us. Do you know how many times I called him, how many times I dropped by his house, how many times I tried to get Sonja to make him talk to me, last year?”

His voice gets higher and more broken with each word, and Sana feels her blood run cold.

“No,” she says quietly.

“Yeah, exactly, you don’t know.” He looks down at his hands. “So when I - anyway. We didn’t want to invade his space. He obviously was having a good time with his new friends, his boyfriend. You peep the look on his face, when he saw us? Like he saw a couple of demons.”

Sana bites on her lip, following Elias’s gaze down. She sits in silence, berating herself. She - shit. She was so busy being wrapped up in her own shit that she had completely forgotten what it might be like for Even and the boys to see each other again. That it might be tense or that Even or her brother or anyone would be uncomfortable - it hadn’t even crossed her mind.

“I -” she starts to say.

Elias interrupts. “So, anyway, we’re all outside. And then we see Even come out, all of his friends behind him. He looks like he’s freaking out, like he’s about to have an attack or something. That kid with the eyebrows-”

“Jonas,” Sana mutters.

“He’s like, ‘shit, what do we do, what do we do.’ And Even’s boyfriend-”

“Isak.”

“ -Is like, ‘I don’t know, I’ve never seen this, I don’t know,’” Elias continues. “And Mikael...”

“Yeah?”

“He used to be real good with Even, you know, when he had episodes, and stuff,” Elias says. “Used to be able to help calm him down. They used to have this thing, the heartbeat game. Anyway, so Mikael like, runs towards Even, he pushes past all of his friends, and is like ‘give him space, give him space.’”

“Okay.”

“And he’s like, gently holding Even’s hands, like he’s pulling Even’s fingers to his neck and speaking real soft and slow, like, ‘you feel my pulse, Even? You feel it? Let’s count to the heartbeats, okay?’ And Even’s like, counting the beats, and he’s calming down, and it looks like it’s gonna be okay. They’re just standing there, like holding hands on Mikael’s neck.”

“Wow,” Sana says softly.

“And then, all of a fucking sudden, Isak pushes between Even and Mikael, and he’s like, wailing on Mikael, yelling like, ‘get away from him,’ and shit. And then - Adam jumps in, tries to pull Isak off of him, but that tall guy with the blonde hair -”

“Magnus.”

“- Jumps in, so then I jump in too, and I don’t know. It just escalated,” Elias shifts. “I think I’m the one who punched Isak in the nose, I don’t know. One minute that’s happening, the next you’re in my ear, fucking yelling at me.”

Sana admits quietly, “I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, I fucking figured,” Elias says, but there’s no heat behind it. “Or else you wouldn’t have been ignoring me all weekend.”

Her voice is small. “I’m sorry.”

He shrugs. “I covered for you with Mama and Baba, by the way. Said you were just studying, that you didn’t want to be bothered.”

“Thanks.”

“It’s nothing,” he says.

Sana struggles to find the words. “No, Elias, it’s - it’s not nothing. I - ugh.”

He waits for her to find the words. But they’re hard coming, because all she feels is the weight of all of her actions. She doesn’t know why she’s getting everything so wrong, lately. Her emotions are all over the place, and she feels like she can’t even trust herself anymore. It’s like she’s constantly second-guessing her gut instincts all the time. And whether she ignores them - like with Sara - or follows them - like with Yousef - it’s all just fucking wrong, wrong, wrong. All the shitty things that have been happening are all her fault.

“I was - I didn’t think,” Sana says. “And I just - made a lot of assumptions. It was. I was a bad sister and a bad friend to you. I’m sorry, Elias.”

“I’m over it,” he says.

She doesn’t believe that for a second. “Okay.”

“Seriously,” he says. “I’m just worried about you, Sana.”

She stays quiet.

“It seems like this year has been a lot rougher for you than last year. Like it’s… like you’re at Urra, all over again,” he says. “You know? All that bullying, you just trying to get those girls to like you. Like that thing with those Russ girls in our house and the vodka...”

Sana had almost forgotten about that, in light of all the new bullshit. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not,” he says. “And I thought it was all about Yousef, but it’s more than that, isn’t it.”

It’s not a question, and Elias doesn’t actually seem to be looking for a response.

“I just want you to be able to talk to someone,” Elias says. “You’re not alone, you know? It doesn’t have to be me, but I’m here. And there’s Jamilla and your other friends. Chris and them.”

Sana purses her lips. “Hmm.”

“You should give people a chance, Sanasol,” Elias says, stretching. “Open up a little. Tell your girls what’s bothering you. They might surprise you. You’re much harder on yourself then literally everyone else is.”

Sana rolls her eyes. “Thanks for the advice.”

“I mean it,” his tone is serious. “You’re a good person and a good friend. And people love you. They want to be there for you.”

“Yeah, okay,” she says, but then pauses when her brain catches up to her hearing. “Wait. What did you just call me?”

He winks. “Sanasol.”

She turns her entire body to face him fully, frown on her face. “Where did you get that from?”

Elias shrugs, giving her a shit-eating grin.

“Elias!”

“Chill, chill,” he says. “Okay. I stole it from Isak.”

“What!”

“Yeah,” Elias says. “He texted me Saturday night to apologize for everything that happened. He texted all of us. Well, he called Mikael.”

Sana furrows her brow. “Isak texted you?”

“Yeah.”

“How did he get your numbers?” she asks.

“Yousef gave them to him.”

“Yousef?” she’s sure that she’s heard wrong.

“Yeah, Yousef,” Elias says.

“When did Yousef see Isak?”

“At the hospital.”

“What!”

Elias rolls his eyes. “Keep up, Sana.”

“When did Yousef go to the hospital?”

Elias says, “I’m not sure exactly, you’d have to ask him for the details. But maybe an hour after everything happened, he texted me to see if I was okay. I asked him where the hell he disappeared to, and he said he went to the emergency room to make sure that Even was all right. I guess they made up or something, cause then he’s saying in the group chat that Isak wants our numbers to apologize. So.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.” Elias raises his eyebrow. “So, you and me good now?”

Sana nods. “Yeah.”

“Okay. I hate when you’re pissed at me,” he says. “It’s way worse than when Mama or Baba are mad.”

“I’m sorry, Elias,” she says again.

He says, “Don’t sweat it, Sana.”

 

+++

 

**Jamilla Bikarim**

_**[Today** 20:14]_

Hey Sana

It was great seeing you again! I was thinking about coming over tomorrow to study.

What do you think?

Hi, yes, of course

Awesome.

I'll see you at your place, around 17:00?

Sounds great

See you then <3

<3

 

+++

 

Sana watches Jamilla carefully transcribe her notes.

It’s almost surreal, seeing the older girl at her kitchen table again. Sana thinks she likes it. It’s old but new, comfortable but just a little tense. She wishes for a moment that it was just her and Jamilla, but she’s also glad her parents are here, acting kind of like a buffer. There’s so many thing she wants to say, but she doesn’t know how quite to word any of it. Especially not an apology, bubbling up inside of her, alongside guilt and penance.

Her stomach growls.

“I don’t want to drive it anymore. Today, it stopped completely,” her father is saying. “In the middle of the street!”

Her mother hums. “Yes, it’s old.”

“Is dinner almost finished?” Sana asks.

Her mother says, “Not right away, but you can have a carrot if you want to.”

Sana freezes for a moment, and then shakes her head. “No, thanks.”

A burst of laughter comes from the living room, and Sana clenches her jaw. Her phone vibrates on the table, and Sana reaches for it. Another message from Noora, asking her if she wants to meet up. Sana pauses for a moment, and then places her phone back, screen-down. When she glances up, Jamilla is giving her a curious look.

Sana clears her throat. “Do those guys always have to be here?”

Her father’s tone is surprised. “We have hospitality here, Sana.”

“Yeah, but they’re here all the time,” Sana says.

“Everyone’s welcome. Your friends, those guys are welcome,” her father says.

“It’s nice, having the house so full, I think,” her mother says, beaming at Jamilla.

Her father continues. “They’re alright guys. Why do you care? Sana, are you having a bad day? Was it a bad day?”

The guilt feels heavy in her stomach, like carb-heavy food that hasn’t been digested all the way yet.

Sana half lies. “I have my biology mock exam next week.”

Her parents chuckle. Sana smiles weakly, and glances at Jamilla. The older girl is already looking back at her, head cocked slightly; she’s concerned but suspicious that Sana is hiding something. Sana wants to laugh a little; it’s weird, but she can read the look on Jamilla’s face and knows exactly what it means. Sana wonders what it means that after months of not speaking, she can still read Jamilla like an open book.

Her father says, “But you’re good at that. What’s the problem?”

Sana shrugs. “No, it’s just, if I’m going to be a surgeon like you one day, I have to get good grades.”

She can’t even look at Jamilla directly. But she can see the incredulous look that the other girl is throwing her from across the table. Another round of laughter dances through the kitchen, and Sana represses the urge to roll her eyes.

“You’re definitely going to be a surgeon!” her father says.

Her mother adds, “You’re a good student.”

“You’ll make it - I promise you you’ll make it,” her father smiles.

Her mother laughs. “You get better grades than I did. It’s going to be fine.”

Her father asks, “What do you think, Jamilla?”

“Sana is smarter than half the people in my program.” Jamilla nods, staring at Sana. “You really don’t need to stress about it.”

“I’m not stressing,” Sana says. “I’m just getting prepared.”

Her phone buzzes again. It’s Noora, asking if they can please meet soon. _I was really upset at SYNG, I think we should talk about what happened._ Sana’s fingers involuntarily clench on the phone, before she drops it onto the table. Jamilla’s eyebrows rise.

“Everything okay?” she asks, quietly.

Her parents are talking about the car again, so they don’t hear Jamilla’s question. Sana and Jamilla stare at one another for a moment. The kindness that Sana sees in her eyes is almost her undoing.

Sana doesn’t understand why Jamilla is being so sweet to her, so nice. After everything that Sana had done, Jamilla would have been completely right to just hate her. But instead she’s sitting at the Bakkoush kitchen table, textbooks open, as if nothing’s happened. Bitter tears begin to prick at Sana’s eyes, and she feels a wave of shame crash over her.

“I-”

Elias’s voice cuts her off. “For fuck’s sake-”

Suddenly, the loud noises from the living room are even closer, invading the kitchen, bouncing off all of the walls. All of the guys are saying hello, talking over one another, asking Jamilla and Sana’s parents how they’re doing.

Sana quickly wipes at her face, startled. Jamilla jumps slightly. As all of the boys crowd into the kitchen, Sana’s eyes fly to Yousef. He’s already staring at her, a tentative smile forming on his face. Longing tears through Sana, and she looks down at her textbook, trying to remind herself how to breathe.

She’s getting emotional whiplash and she’s tired, just so fucking tired.

“Hey, guys!” her father says.

Elias asks, “Doing good?”

Her father answers. “Yeah, I’m good. You doing well too? All is well - you’re together?”

Elias says, “Yes, like always.”

Sana can feel Yousef’s gaze on her. She keeps her eyes lowered, not looking back at him. It hurts too much, to do that. Whenever she wants to, she just reminds herself of SYNG, that he chose Noora. That she has too much else to deal with anyway, that she shouldn’t have ever wasted her time on him. That her heart is foolish and untrustworthy.

Her father asks, “What’s up?”

“No, we’re gonna-”

Adam says, “Go play football.”

“Yeah, we’re going to the football court,” Elias says. “Sana, Jamilla, you wanna come?”

Sana feels herself slumping down low in her seat, but doesn’t say anything. Yousef’s gaze is still on her.

“No, we’re good,” Jamilla answers.

“Awh, come on, it’s been ages since we’ve played, Jamilla!” Mutta says.

Jamilla laughs. “So eager for me to kick your butts again?”

“I’ve gotten a lot better-” Mutta protests.

“I remember my football days,” Sana’s father starts to say.

“Yeah, yeah, we better get going then-” Elias starts.

“Just don’t forget to bring a bottle,” her father says.

Sana’s heart stutters.

“Bottle?” Elias asks.

“Yeah, a water bottle, I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bottle.”

“Got it?”

“Got it.”

Sana barely pays attention to the rest of the conversation, as her mother offers the boys carrots. There’s too much noise, too many emotions, happening all at once. She wants to get up and slink into her room, disappearing from Yousef’s gaze. She knows he’s trying to catch her eyes. But she can’t be bothered. She doesn’t want to coddle him, not right now. She can’t smile at Yousef and pretend like it’s okay, what he’s done. She can’t pretend like her heart isn’t broken. And more than anything, she can’t pretend like she isn’t angry. Like she isn’t confused.

She wants to stand up and scream at him, ask _who do you think you are, flirting with me and then making out with one of my friends?_ She didn’t know how he could be so funny and kind and caring - do things like taking the blame for the vodka, or walking her home, or going to the hospital - but then throw it away. She doesn’t understand how she could just seem so disposable to him.

How she could just be so disposable to everyone.

The boys finally leave, and for a moment, Sana thinks she’ll be able to breathe again. But her chest is still tight and her bones still feel too heavy.

“-Then we agree on buying a new one?” her father is saying.

Her mother says, “Yes, we agree, but we have to plan a bit first.”

Her phone buzzes; Noora again. _Let me know when you’re free, okay? Also, I’ve dropped out of the bus too. I don’t want to do it if you’re not there with me._

When she glances up from the screen, Jamilla is giving her a patient, calculated look.

 

+++

 

**Yousef Acar**

_**[Today** 21:46 **]**_

Hey Sana, this is Yousef.

I got your number from Elias, you know, from that time he was really drunk?

Sorry, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I just wanted to make sure you're okay. You seemed stressed the other day.

Or maybe you were just really focused.

Either way, I hope you're alright. 

_**[Today** 23:12 **]**_

I'm fine. Thanks.

I'm here, if you want to talk <3 

 

+++

 

Sana stares out the window, eyes narrowed at the sight of all of her friends laughing and talking in the yard. She’s curled up on a windowsill in an empty classroom, trying to hide from everyone. So far, she’s been able to make a lot of excuses and dodge almost everyone by coming to school almost late and leaving as soon as she can. She hasn’t been in the cafeteria in days and rarely answers any messages, except to tell everyone that she’s studying.

Sana observes the scene in front of her. Vilde is hugging Sara around her middle, almost cuddling her as they laugh together. Chris stands with them, shifting her weight from one leg to another. A few feet away, Eva and Noora have their heads bent, talking and looking at their phone. Sana grips the pages of her textbook tightly; she’s sure it’ll leave indents, the half-moons of her nails marking the pages.

Her phone goes off, and it’s Eva, asking if Sana wants anything from McDonalds. Sana doesn’t bother to answer. She sits still, looking at Eva and Noora. They stand there, looking down at Eva’s phone, waiting for a response. After a few minutes, Eva shrugs and begins to walk away. Noora pulls out her own phone and then follows Eva out of the yard.

When Sana’s phone goes off again, she doesn’t bother to read the message.

“Who are you hiding from today?”

Sana startles and glances towards the doorway, where Isak stands. She doesn’t respond, simply purses her lips and turns back to the window. When he meanders over, he stands much too close to her. She can smell his deodorant.

He glances out of the window and scoffs. “Has Sara stolen all your friends or something?”

He’s joking, but the comment stings. Sana grips her textbook even tighter.

“Don’t be stupid,” she snaps.

He blinks at her. “I’m just kidding, Sana.”

She doesn’t respond.

“Sara doesn’t even like Vilde, anyway,” he says. “Fake, fake, fake, fake. Ugh, girls.”

Something inside of her bursts. She wonders if she's really that angry with Isak, or if she just needs an outlet for all the self-loathing she's been doing lately.

“You should be one to talk, Isak!”

He frowns at her. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You sat there and listened to me apologize for my brother, when you were the one who started that fight,” Sana snaps. “And for what? Because you were jealous?”

He flushes but doesn’t say anything.

Sana clenches her jaw. “Yeah. So keep your sexist comments to yourself.”

“I told you, in class, that I was embarrassed,” he mumbles. “And I meant that.”

“Do you know how upset I was, that I thought he -” Sana cuts herself off. “You should’ve told me.”

“Just like you should’ve told Even that they were going to show up in the first place,” Isak snaps back.

The comment stings; it pushes her own self-loathing and self-blame into hot anger.

“Oh, right, it’s all my fault,” Sana seethes. “Everything is just all my fucking fault, including the fact that you’re so insecure you can’t even see how stupid you were, trying to fight Mikael-”

“Thanks, Sana, yes, thank you for telling me how stupid I am,” Isak says.

“Well someone fucking has to-”

“You know what, maybe this is exactly why none of your friends are hanging out with you anymore, because they’re tired of being around a condescending, bossy bitch!”

The insult hits her square in the chest, and it’s like she can’t breathe. She’s feeling cornered, and it’s just like Urra again. Sana nods, trying to push down all the emotions raging inside of her. And all she can think is that she can’t let him see her cry, she can’t show him any emotions at all -

Isak is staring right at her. “You really have nothing to say to that? Fuck Sana. Why… even with that, you’re… I don’t understand why you’re so cold towards everyone.”

She doesn’t know why this comment is the one that makes her break.

But she suddenly feels her ears turn hot and something is crawling up her throat. She tries to calm herself down but she knows, any moment, she might start crying again. The thought that she might - that all of her rage and sadness could just pop up, that her body will betray her like this - makes her even more upset. She clenches her jaw, trying to ground herself.

When she speaks, the tone is wet and she’s ashamed of herself.

“You try growing up as a Muslim girl in this country without turning cold!”

As soon as it’s out, she wishes she could swallow the words back.

There’s a stretch of silence. Isak’s face slowly transforms from seething anger into something softer, something more contrite. She doesn’t know how long they stay there, just staring at each other. But Sana wills herself to not start crying, hopes that she can just keep remembering how to breathe.

“I know it’s hard, Sana,” he says eventually.

She doesn’t know why she’s still talking. “You don’t.”

“I’m an openly gay guy,” he tells her. “You know, I think I -”

And it’s like the floodgates have opened. All of her negative emotions from the past few days are spurting out of her mouth like a geyser.

“It’s not the same. No one can look at you and see you’re different. You don’t get the same looks I do. Do you know what people think when they see me, when they see my hijab? Which is the first thing they see? They think I have to wear it because I’m forced to, not because I want to. And if I say I want to, then I’m brainwashed, because I can’t form my own opinions. We’re talking about freedom of religion and so many other freedoms here in Norway, but wearing an extra article of clothing is wrong? And people... think we get married out of nowhere, and that there are all these arranged marriages and that I’ll be forcibly married to my cousin tomorrow! Do you know what people do when Elias and I walk down the street? People spit after him because they think he’s oppressing me! Elias! He doesn’t even want me to wear the hijab, because he doesn’t want me to get hate. Do you know how fucking tiring it is walking out the door every day knowing it’s another day where you have to prove to a whole country that you’re not oppressed?”

She’s breathing hard by the time she’s finished, her nails practically ripping through the pages of her textbook. Her entire body feels flushed. But more than anything, she’s frightened; she’s tired. She stares at Isak, heart stuttering. She’s never told anyone anything like this before; she’s never shared so much of herself, and in such a short time span. She’s not even sure where much of it came from; it’s like all of her insecurities and anger from the past seventeen years of her life have simply popped out.

Isak carefully asks, “Is… is that what you think?”

Sana sighs, deflated. “It’s what I know.”

Isak gestures. “Can I sit?”

It’s not what she’s expecting. She pulls her legs up, making room for him. He clambers onto the windowsill, tucking his legs underneath him. He takes a breath, and leans his head against the wall.

“I’ve never told anyone this, but when I first… came out, I guess, to Eskild, I said a bunch of dumb shit. A lot of things that I had internalized about being gay. Prejudiced things. And he… fucking schooled me on it,” Isak huffs a laugh. “This kind of feels the same that that did.”

Sana mumbles, “Sorry.”

“No, no, don’t be,” Isak says. “I - Sana - I'm sorry,” he says. “That - none of it was your fault. I shouldn't have just snapped at you.”

Sana doesn’t respond.

“I didn’t know you were carrying all that around,” he says. “I thought - you know. That most people aren’t racist. How could they be, when we live in this kind of country? But - you’re right. I didn’t grow up a Muslim girl.”

Sana stays silent. Isak exhales loudly.

“I don't often admit when I'm wrong,” he says, smiling a little.  

Sana can't help it; a small smile teases at her lips. She knocks his leg with hers.

“Is that - did something really bad happen, recently?” he asks slowly. “Is that - when you told me I was all alone, and you not talking to your friends and stuff...”

“It’s… it’s nothing.”

“It doesn’t seem like nothing,” Isak says. “Look, I won’t push you. But… I felt alone a lot, last semester. When I was figuring things out. And I had a really good friend who pushed me and reminded me that I’m not alone. So, I’ve been there. And you can talk to me, Sana. I promise.”

Sana sighs and looks at her nails. She picks at that black polish, halfway chipped off.

“We are best buds, after all,” Isak says.

Sana glances up, and sees he’s giving her a shit-eating grin. She raises an eyebrow; a semblance of normalcy and calm washes over her. It’s kind of nice, even though she feels like a wet rag that’s been rung out. She’s exhausted from doing so much talking, so much sharing.

“We’re not best buds.”

"Seriously? We’re buds.”

Sana smirks. “Okay. We’re best buds.”

“Best buds.” Isak nods. “And as your best bud...”

“Fine!” Sana sighs. “I… part of it is about Sara.”

Isak furrows his brow. “Sara?”

Sana nods. “She and… some other girls… they basically forced me off of the bus. It’s a long story, but at SYNG… I heard some of the girls… they’re racist hags.”

Isak says, “What did Chris and them say about this?”

Sana looks away. “I haven’t told them.”

“Sana-”

“It doesn’t matter, anyway,” Sana says.

“It does. You think that they would keep hanging around her if they knew-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Sana says. “It shouldn’t - I shouldn’t have to say anything. I don’t get - if they wanted to see how Sara actually is, they would see it already.”

Isak looks at her carefully. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

Sana sighs.

“No one is a mind reader,” Isak says. “You should tell them what’s bothering you, you know? I’ve really learned that if you let them, people will be there for you.”

Sana asks, “Who the fuck even are you? You sound just like Elias.”

He laughs. “Great minds, and all of that.”

“Yeah,” she scoffs.

His face turns serious again, for a moment. “Yeah. But Sana...”

“What?”

“I'm sorry,” he says. “Really sorry. I was being stupid, I know. And I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

Sana’s heart squeezes painfully at Isak’s earnest face. It's not something she sees very often.

“I’m sorry too.”

“Me and you, are we going to be okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. We're okay.”

He grins. “Good. Cause seriously, I really need your help studying, best bud. I'm definitely gonna get a three on our mock exam.” 

Sana rolls her eyes.

 

+++

 

**Isak Valtersen**

_**[Today** 18:21 **]**_

Hey

Remember earlier, when you said Sara doesn't even like Vilde? How do you know?

She talks shit about her all the time.

To you? I didn't know you were friends.

LOL

We used to date, remember?

Though she mostly treated me as a therapist.

Now I guess she thinks I'm her gay best friend.

Oh

Yeah

Anyway, wanna come over tomorrow? Help your best bud study? 

 

+++

 

Sana settles into her seat, pulling out her laptop and all of the study material she printed off for Isak before coming over.

She only half listens as Isak and Even talk about how they got all of their stuff at flea markets. She thinks it’s sweet, but it also makes her feel like an outsider; like she’s some dark spot that’s stumbled into their own private world uninvited. Hanging out with them at school is much different than sitting in their kitchen, though she’s not sure why. She has to remind herself that she’s been invited over, that Isak wants and needs her help.

Because even after her talks with Elias and Isak and seeing Jamilla again, everything still hurts. She feels calmer, definitely, but she’s still angry and raw and sad. The feelings of not belonging anywhere have followed her, burrowed deep into her heart. Everywhere she goes, except in the privacy and loneliness of her room, she feels like an interloper.

She hasn’t spoken to Yousef at all; she’s still not over him. She’s still avoiding Chris, Vilde, Eva and Noora at every turn. She still has so much more to say to Jamilla. And she still burns up everything she has to even look at Sara and her gang.

“- Couldn’t smell it because you don’t smell,” Isak is saying.

“If it’s that important to you, I’ll do it. Okay?” Isak smiles.

“Okay, okay great,” Isak says.

“I’ll see you later,” Even says, leaning down to give Isak a kiss. “Sana?”

She looks up at Even’s kind, smiling face.

“You okay?” he asks.

She nods. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Okay. If you need anything, just tell Isak,” Even says. “He’s shit at cooking, but he can probably manage to make tea or something-”

“Hey!”

Even laughs. “Okay, that’s it. Good luck with studying! Remember that you’re geniuses!”

 

+++

 

Isak tugs on his hair. “I just can’t differentiate between protists and prokaryotes. It’s… like… that’s where I’m struggling.”

Sana blows out a breath. “Okay, so back to basics then, really.”

“Yeah.”

Sana tells him, “Prokaryotes are the first thing that turned up in the ocean 3.5 billion years ago. After the prokaryote organisms came the protists. And protists are unicellular animals. And from these unicellular animals there developed multicellular animals that created colonies that became bigger animals. And by bigger animals I mean, like in the example, jellyfish and mussels, like you can see on this diagram.”

Isak frowns, and shifts his hands through all the papers on the table. “Wait, which diagram?”

Sana raises her eyebrows, and pulls one out from under his laptop. “This one. Do you know it?”

He takes it from her, frowning. “No, not by heart.”

“Okay, so you need to learn it,” Sana says. “ You’re going to have to know it for the mock exam, because we’ll guaranteed get it. Then you just write the explanation I just gave you next to the diagram.”

Isak sighs, and places the paper back down on the table next to him. “Fuck, okay.”

Sana’s phone vibrates, and she checks the message. It’s from Chris, asking if Sana wants to hang out soon, that she feels like none of the girls have seen her in awhile. _You_ _sure you’re just stressed about the mock exam?_ Her heart skips a little bit, and for a moment, her thumbs hover over the keyboard.

“Sana?”

She glances up, and locks her phone.

“Hmm?”

Isak swallows. “I know we’ve talked about it, a little, already, but about Even and - and your brother, and his friends...”

Sana feels her defenses rise. “Yeah?”

“How come… why didn’t you ever tell me that you knew Even?” Isak asks. “That he was best friends with your brother?”

Sana furrows her brow for a moment. “Because I knew you’d ask and dig around about him.”

“Yeah, so?” Isak asks. “What’s the danger in that?”

Sana sighs. “I think Even should get to choose for himself how much he wants to share about his past. I mean, one doesn’t wanna share everything about one’s past.”

“That makes sense,” Isak says quietly. “You know he - Even and I, we had this huge talk, when we came home that day. About my jealousy issues, and him not sharing things with me.”

Sana nods slowly. “Hmm.”

“That’s one good thing to come out of the fight is that he's opening up more. About those guys and his life at Bakka,” Isak says. “He misses all of them a lot, I think.”

Sana thinks of her brother. “They miss him too.”

“He told me that he used to have a crush on Mikael,” Isak says, huffing slightly. “So I guess I did have a little to be jealous of.”

Sana rolls her eyes. “Isak, Even is in love with you-”

“Yeah, I know!” Isak says, smiling. “But it - you know. It’s kind of nice, in a sick way. To feel validated.”

“Validated for punching Mikael?”

He nods. “Yeah. I know it was all in the past, now. But in that moment. It was - I just got so jealous, seeing the way Mikael just… so easily, could calm Even down. I think I was upset that there was someone else who knew him better, in that moment.”

“Hmm.”

He huffs. “I still get insecure, even though I know how much Even loves me.”

“Yeah.”

“No, but it’s been nice, though, hearing stories about his old friends,” Isak says. “I - hopefully, we can all hang out together. Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Maybe,” Sana says.

“His friend Yousef actually came by the hospital, after the fight, to see if we were okay,” Isak says. “And it was - I had never seen Even light up like that, you know? It really made me feel even worse for what an asshole I was being. But it was also so great, seeing him so happy.”

Sana’s heart tugs, and she tries to clear her throat. “Yeah.”

“I know Even likes the Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi, but… everyone needs their friends.”

Sana picks at the edge of her phone, not saying anything else.

“I think him and Yousef must’ve talked for hours, afterwards,” Isak says. “And you know, I heard them talking about you, too-”

Sana feels herself flush, and stares down at her notebook. “You know, we really should be getting back to studying, Isak.”

He ignores her. “You remember that day, when I came to class, and caught you looking at your laptop?”

She lies. “Nope.”

“Yes you do,” she can hear the smile in his voice. “You weren’t looking at that photo for Mikael, were you? It was for Yousef.”

Sana’s face heats up, and she's too startled to remain calm. “No!”

Isak grins. “It totally was!”

“I - no, Isak,” she says.

“He's nice,” Isak says. “Really cute-”

Almost desperately, she says, “Did you write the timeline down on the diagram? It was 3.5 billion years ago-”

He laughs. “Okay, okay. Enough sharing for today, huh?”

She glares at him. “You’re the one who begged me to come over to study-”

“Okay! Okay,” he says. “Okay.”

They’re quiet for a few more moments, and then-

“You’re a good person, Sana.”

She pretends that those words don’t make her eyes prick with tears.

 

+++

 

**Jamilla Bikarim**

_**[Today** 18:09]_

Hi, Jamilla

I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tomorrow afternoon?

I understand if you're too busy, obviously.

YES.

I would really like to see you though.

I'm free, I'd love to hang out.

Oh, sorry

Pressed send too quickly

Okay, cool

No worries :)

There's actually this new Thai place I've been dying to try.

Wanna go?

That sounds good

Shall I pick you up at your house around 17:00, and we'll go over together?

Yeah, that sounds great

Cool :) 

Looking forward to it!

Okay, great

_**[Today** 20:36]_

Jamilla?

I've missed you

I've missed you too.

<3

_**[Today** 21:19]_

<3

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves! Hope you've all had a good week! Here's the next installment - it's much longer than I originally planned, sorry about that! Hope you all enjoy it, and I can't wait to read your comments!

+++

 

Sana’s stomach is tangled up in knots.

Jamilla is coming over any minute, and all she can think to do is grab her phone and cancel. All of her doubts are creeping back into her mind. Her body buzzes with anxiety and her hands sweat profusely. She tries to scrounge up her calm; tries to remind herself that Jamilla seemed so happy and enthusiastic to hear from her. But part of her keeps whispering that Sana is alone, that Sana shouldn’t expect anything from anyone.

She tries to take a few deep breaths, but ends up at the one place that always settles her nerves. When she feels low, when she can’t even think straight, when things go so dark she despairs ever finding her way out - she always goes to the basketball court. She thinks it’ll really help. It’s weird to say, she knows, but being on the court alone sometimes feels like the most natural place to talk to Allah.

But as soon as she steps onto the court, everything feels all wrong, today.

She can’t seem to dribble the ball properly; the rubber slides against her palm instead of steadying her. Whenever she tries to toss the ball into the air, she misses catching it by mere inches. Every single shot she takes just doesn’t make it. The ball either kisses the rim or circles around it or hits the backboard at a funky angle.

She throws one more shot, watches as the ball barely hits the net. She listens to it bouncing behind her. She closes her eyes for a moment, and then sighs.

When she finally turns, her heart nearly pops out of her chest.

Yousef.

He stops the ball with his foot, and she thinks it’s unfair, how good he looks. How his dark eyes meet hers for a moment, before he leans down to grab the ball. She clenches her jaw, trying to remind herself to stay focused on why she can’t have feelings for him. But him just standing there, in the one place that usually brings her solace - it feels like too much. It does nothing to calm her nerves. Her emotions crest and break.

He throws the ball around, face almost aggressive. Like he’s challenging her, like he has any fucking right to feel anything towards her -

“Give me the ball,” Sana says, trying and succeeding at sounding cool and unaffected.

His face changes, and he’s grinning at her. “Come and get it.”

Sana purses her lips. “Seriously? I can’t be bothered. Just throw it.”

He furrows his eyebrows for a moment, and then shrugs back at her. “Seriously? I can’t be bothered. Just come and get it.”

He’s got a silly little smile on his face, like they have an inside joke. And part of her feels like melting, feels like staring at his cute grin all day. But the bigger part, the lonely and angry part, really has no fucking clue why he’s still doing this, why he’s bothering her.

She feels her body stomp towards him, and for a moment, her brain fizzles. She’s not sure if she’s going over to smack him or to take the ball back.

But then he wiggles and begins to dribble the ball, sliding past her smoothly. She pivots on her heel, the rubber sole of her sneaker rubbing against the concrete. She just catches him make a basket, before catching the ball and turning back towards her.

The fact that he made his shot just pisses her off even more.

“I can’t be bothered, Yousef!” her voice is getting too high, too emotional.

She crosses her arms over her chest, trying to remind herself to stay calm. He’s laughing at her, a smile stretched across his face. Sana can’t believe he thinks she’s playing around; she has no idea what the fuck his problem is.

“Oh, Okay,” he says, throwing the ball casually from hand to hand.

“I mean it,” she says.

“I’ll just take the ball then, and get out of here.”

The words are spilling out of her. “Seriously? This is so typical, you just do whatever you want, take whatever you want, without even thinking about -”

 _Me, without even thinking about what I want_ , she wants to finish. But she grits her teeth instead, squeezing her arms with her hands tightly.

“Sana?” his voice is quiet, all humor gone from his voice.

“Just give me the damn ball!” She seethes.

She charges at him again, trying to take it out of his hands. Her fingers just barely graze the rubber before he’s circling around her again, running and throwing it into the hoop. He makes the shot; Sana tries to jump up to catch it, but he’s much too tall. He easily stretches his arms up, palming the basketball and bringing it closer to him. Each time Sana tries to grab at it, he simply circles it around his body, before moving away from her.

Then - she’s not even sure how this has happened - they’re playing one-on-one.

He moves around her fluidly, and she’s never seen anyone play this game so much like a performance before. He’s a dancer to his bones, his muscles working like he’s listening to some rhythm that only he can hear. He’s graceful and good at keeping the ball away from her. However, she’s faster and she’s more aggressive. She’s trying to block him at every turn, stealing the ball with a reckless abandon.

As they play, it doesn’t even occur to her to just take the ball and leave. It’s like she’s found her groove again, making shot after shot, checking Yousef lightly, and handling the ball like she’s being paid to do it. It’s only after he manages to make a shot backwards that she realizes that she’s actually having fun.

It doesn’t come at her as a shock, but like a gentle reminder. This is what it should feel like to spend time with someone she likes. Easy and carefree. And slowly, the tension is leaking out of her muscles and her mind is clearing. It’s just her and Yousef, on the court. None of her negative thoughts are pounding at her, none of her fears or anxiety are clouding her judgment.

He looks down at her, passing her the ball, with a crooked grin on his face. When she smiles back at him, she can’t help herself, doesn’t even care that she’s showing her joy. She moves around him easily, already anticipating his moves, and takes her shot.

It swishes through the hoop perfectly.

She cocks her eyebrow at him cutely, nodding her head at him. Daring him to make his next move, eager to continue their game. He’s chuckling, rolling the ball around in his hands.

“Feeling better?” he says.

She answers before she remembers she’s pissed at him. “Yes, actually.”

“Good,” he says. “Because I think we need to talk. Sana-”

Her body tenses and her brain catch up with the situation. “Why?”

He straightens his shoulders. “Why?”

“Yeah,” she snaps. “Why do you think we have to talk?”

He frowns at her. “I don’t understand why you’re so mad at me-”

“Who says I’m mad?”

His fingers tense on the ball. “It feels like you’ve been avoiding me lately, and-”

“I’m not avoiding you,” she says, face heating up.

“Okay, except the other day-”

“I was just concentrating on my mock exam,” Sana says, voice going high. “Is that a crime? Some of us are in school, Yousef.”

His face softens for a minute. “Oh, I didn’t know. That can be really stressful.”

She stares at him, disbelieving. He’s looking at her so compassionately, like that’s really what the actual problem is. Part of her wants to scream at him for being so fucking dense. She doesn’t know what the fuck is the matter with all the people around her, why they don’t know what they’ve done is so wrong, why they think they can demand things from her and treat her like it’s business usual after they’ve decimated her.

He’s still talking. “- Right? Even did tell me you were studying with his boyfriend. Was that not helpful? I can-”

“You -” for a moment, Sana is stunned. “You talked to Even? About me?”

When he nods, it looks shy. “Yeah. Actually, that - it’s kind of thanks to you that we - you know, that we’re talking again.”

It sounds like a compliment, but it feels like a condemnation. A reminder of how she’s fucked up.

“What?”

“Uh,” he says, rolling the ball slowly. “We started talking again, after SYNG. The guys were - well.”

“Well?”

“I don’t know if it’s my place really to say, I don’t want to get between you and Elias,” he says.

Sana furrows her brow. “Get between me and Elias?”

He nods. “It kinda all started because Elias was upset at you, at SYNG…”

Sana’s heart stutters. “I - we’ve talked about it. Elias and me. It’s all good.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Yeah.”

“So - okay, we were all outside of SYNG, cause Elias wanted to leave. He just kept saying that he couldn’t believe that you would ask us to come without telling us Even would be there. But I told him to just chill, that I’d go inside to get you, try to sort it all out,” Yousef seems hesitant. “I thought you would be able to help convince him to stay.”

“You - what?” she asks.

“Yeah, and then after I found you, I tried to follow you outside, but I got caught up,” he says. “A teacher’s aid I work with was there too, she stopped me to ask about the schedule for the next week-”

Sana’s heart is pounding. “Wait. You came to get me before the fight broke out?”

She’s not even sure he’s heard her question. “And then by the time I got outside - no one was anywhere to be found. It took me like ten minutes before I ran into Noora again and - well, anyway. Then she told me that the squad got into a fight with Even’s boyfriend and his friends -”

Her fingers clench for a moment when he mentions Noora. It helps bring her down to earth slightly, tethering her to her anger. There, that was it; the reminder that he had kissed her friend. And not only that, that he had done so, inexplicably, after hearing his friends had gotten into a fight. It’s like the person she thought he was and the facts of what he’s done just don’t line up.

It’s on the tip of her tongue to ask how long he waited before kissing her. Was it before or after he heard the news? How long did he wait between asking where she was and shoving his tongue into Noora’s mouth -

“- Went right to the hospital,” Yousef says. “I - it was scary as shit. The last time I had visited Even in the hospital, it was…”

His voice catches slightly, and their eyes meet. She thinks about the last time they played basketball, the conversation they had, how it feels so long ago.   _You know he... tried to kill himself?_

“Anyway, we ended up talking for a long time,” Yousef says softly. “It was - hard, I think, for both of us. Mostly him. But I think it’s helped. We’ve hung out, a few times.”

She wants to tell him that’s great; she wants to feel happy at their mended friendship. She doesn’t want to make this moment about her.  But her own bitterness is slipping her up. She wonders if this means she’s not a good person, wonders if that’s why she’s so disposable. If everyone just knows this dark secret about her.

“Anyway that was - fuck, I didn’t mean to unload all that,” he says.

She has no energy; she doesn’t know what to say. “Yeah.”

“But - there is something I did want to tell you,” he says. “Sana. I - well, after - uh, I’ve been go-”

“Can I join?” Jamilla's voice calls out across the court.

Sana jumps, and turns around. The older girl is smiling at her softly. Sana watches as she cuts her eyes at Yousef, and hysterical laughter bubbles up in her. Jamilla looks like a queen, almost, staring at Yousef just a bit too coolly; Sana thinks that Jamilla is only looking at him like that because of how Sana had treated him in the kitchen.

“Jamilla, hi,” Yousef says.

“We’re done here,” Sana says, gesturing towards the air between herself and Yousef.

Yousef looks confused. “Sana-”

“Oh great,” Jamilla interrupts. “Then we should probably get going, Sana.”

 

+++

 

The restaurant is beautiful. Everything is dark and glassy, with low lighting and metals shining in the candlelight.

The waitress tucks Sana and Jamilla into a corner, passing them menus with a large smile. She asks if they want anything besides water, and they both answer “Thai iced tea” at the same time, before looking at each other and laughing.

It eases the knot in her stomach that has been growing since she stepped into Jamilla’s car.

“I don’t know why I even bother looking at this, I always get the same thing,” Jamilla says, glancing over the menu. “I’m not adventurous at all.”

“Remember that time you came over for dinner and Amir had Mama make all these super traditional Moroccan dishes?” Sana asks. “I thought you were gonna pass out at the table-”

“Yeah, and he did that on purpose, the little shit,” Jamilla laughs. “I was so anxious. I didn’t want your parents to hate me!”

“Please, they never could hate you,” Sana says, huffing a laugh. “They-”

Then, suddenly, her throat is closing up, and she can’t see anything. The laugh that was coming up has turned into a sob. She pushes her palms into her eyes, trying to stop the tears; but they’re sliding down her face, as emotions barrage her. Her shoulders are shaking and she presses her palms deeper, trying to calm herself.

Sitting here, with Jamilla - everything from the past few days that’s been overwhelming her have just ruptured to the surface. It’s like when she blurted all that stuff out at Isak, only this is much, much worst. Partly because she’s not saying anything, she’s just crying in public. But mostly because it’s Jamilla.

Jamilla had taught her how to look past the racists as if they weren’t there and trained her how to keep her head up and her comebacks snappy. She was always carefree, loving, funny and kind. And Sana had betrayed that friendship; she had let her anger and bitterness cloud her judgment. She had pushed Jamilla away for so long, just because she couldn’t bear to see her own reflection in the older girl’s eyes.

 

Sana feels Jamilla’s arm go around her, pulling her in, firm and comforting. With shaking fingers, Sana finally raked her hands down her cheeks, trying to wipe away the tears and dark eyeshadow.

“Fuck,” Sana breathes. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for your emotions,” Jamilla says. “Not to me. Never to me.”

It makes Sana want to cry all over again, but she simply takes a drink of water. The ice cubes clink as her hand shakes.

“I don’t deserve this,” Sana says.

Jamilla’s fingers clench on her shoulder. “Deserve what?”

“You, being here, being nice to me,” Sana says.

“Why not?”

“I’m-” Sana’s throat feels too dry. “It’s better, if I’m alone.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because I keep fucking up,” Sana says. “I keep making the wrong choices about the wrong people.”

Jamilla says, “Tell me.”

Sana does.

 

+++

 

She feels like she talks for days, about everything that’s happened since she hacked Amir’s computer. She talks about her anger, dragging her down deep and her anxiety eating her alive and her feelings of unworthiness. How she hasn’t really been able to pray and has spent too much time alone.

Through it all, Jamilla listens quietly but attentively. She only interrupts her twice. First, to tell their waitress their order; second, to thank her for bringing their food so quickly. Otherwise, she nods her head every few moments, just to let Sana know that she’s with her with every word.

When Sana’s done, her hands aren’t shaking quiet so much anymore. She’s just tired.

 

+++

 

Jamilla’s first question is, “Who else have you spoken to about all of this?”

Sana picks at her fried rice. “No one.”

“You’ve been carrying a lot of weight,” Jamilla sighs. “I’m sorry, Sana.”

Sana chuckles weakly. “You’re sorry? I just dumped all my issues on you-”

“That’s what friends are for,” Jamilla says.

Sana turns her eyes down. “Some friend I’ve been.”

“Hey,” Jamilla nudges her slightly. “Hey, Sana.”

“I actually thought about texting you a little while ago,” Sana admits. “But I was too cowardly-”

“Okay, no,” Jamilla says.

When Sana looks up at her, her eyes are fierce.

“Sana, I’m not gonna sit here and listen to you disparage yourself for fucking having feelings,” Jamilla says.

“I-”

“No, now listen to me,” Jamilla says. “Nothing that’s happened is your fault. You’re blaming yourself for how other people have been treating you. You hate on yourself for feeling things. And that’s not right, girl. You - you take on so much, all the time. You care so deeply for everyone but yourself.”

Sana doesn’t say anything.

“Believe me, I know it’s hard,” Jamilla says, looking at her water. “It’s - you know, some days I wake up, I can’t even imagine getting out of bed. I - it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I’m not able to. Like, all I can think of is how worthless I am, how nothing I do will even matter because I don’t matter.”

Sana sits there, stunned. She’s never heard Jamilla say anything like this before; at Urra, Jamilla was the strong one, the confident one, the always positive one.

“I - I didn’t know that you...” Sana says.

Jamilla smiles a little. “Yeah. Maybe that was a disservice to you. I was always so busy trying to be your rock that I didn’t want to burden you with anything. I guess… that’s how I know what you’re going through. We’re like two peas in a pod.”

“Yeah,” Sana says softly.

“But it’s about finding healthy ways to cope, Sana,” Jamilla says. “That’s something I’ve learned, you know? Not to… push these emotions away, but to recognize that they’re not correct about who I am. That I mean something, that my existence here is worthwhile.”

Sana doesn’t say anything.

“You are important, Sana Bakkoush,” Jamilla says. “And you need to learn how to be gentler with yourself and accept the love that people are giving to you.”

She thinks about Elias, about Isak. About all these people who she loves who keep telling her the same thing, over and over again. Who keep pushing her even though she’s trying to pull away. Who, with every word and every action, are proving that angry, small voice in her head absolutely fucking wrong.

“I-” she clears her throat. “I don’t know how.”

“I’ll help you,” Jamilla smiles. “It won’t happen overnight, Sana. And that mean little voice, it never really goes away. But, when you remind yourself that you’re not alone, that’s the first step, Sana.”

“Is it really that simple?”

Jamilla says, “Why don’t you try just saying it?”

“What?”

“Saying, ‘I’m not alone.’”

Sana furrows her brow. “Jamilla-”

“Go ahead.”

Sana looks at Jamilla’s soft brown eyes. For some reason, saying those words feel much harder than they should.

“I-” she clears her throat. “I’m not alone.”

“No, you’re not,” Jamilla says. “Because you always have me, Elias, your parents, your friends, Allah - you don’t have to do it all by yourself. You deserve to be taken care of, too.”

Sana opens her mouth, but Jamilla hushes her.

“Don’t say anything, just yet,” Jamilla says. “Sit with it. Pray on it. Okay?”

“Okay,” Sana says softly.

“You’re going to get through this, I promise,” Jamilla says. “And I always keep my promises.”

Sana looks at Jamilla, and feels something that she hasn’t experienced in a few weeks.

Hope.

 

+++

 

They spend the rest of dinner talking about light topics, but it doesn’t feel forced or mundane. It feels nice, just talking shit about her chemistry teacher and the weird guy who sits behind Jamilla in one of her classes. It feels normal. And after the roller coaster of emotions Sana had gone through - is still going through - it’s just nice.

It’s not until they’re in the car again that Jamilla brings up Sana’s issues with her squad and Yousef.

“You know, Sana, the biggest problem here is that you’re not good at confrontation,” Jamilla says.

She turns on the radio; Kendrik Lamar is playing - _Nobody pray for me, even a day for me._

Sana can’t help herself. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Jamilla laughs. “You’re all bark, no bite. You don’t like talking about really deep stuff with people.”

“Hey-"

“You literally just cried at dinner,” Jamilla points out, not unkindly. “All because you suppress your emotions. You don’t like fighting with the people you love, so you pretend everything’s all good. When it’s clearly not.”

“Right,” Sana says. “So if it’s clearly not -”

“I meant, clearly not good for you,” Jamilla says. “Sometimes things that are obvious to you aren’t obvious to others.”

“What are you saying, exactly?”

“All I’m saying is that you hacked Amir’s Facebook to get back at me rather than talk to me,” Jamilla says.

Sana’s heart squeezes. “Huh.”

“I’m not saying that to make you guilty, not at all, sis,” Jamilla laughs. “But I am saying that I had no idea why you did that or what was happening. Because every time I reached out to you, you would say you were fine, just studying.”

“Not much has changed,” Sana mutters.

“Right,” Jamilla glances at Sana. “That’s not a good thing, Sana.”

Sana huffs. “Okay.”

Jamilla smiles. “If you’re going to learn to accept the love you deserve, you need to be honest, Sana. Talk to your girls. Confront Yousef. Have more real conversations with Elias and your parents.”

“You say it like it’s easy-”

“I’m saying it because I know it’s not,” Jamilla says. “Look. You deserve answers. You deserve to not carry such a heavy weight while everyone else remains oblivious to your pain.”

Sana doesn't respond.

“Like - I saw the way Yousef was looking at you, Sana. It's the look of someone who cares for you, deeply. Don't you want to know how he could look at you like that but kiss your friend? I sure as hell would.”

Sana says, “What-”

“Or, your friends. You've always defended them to me, yet here they are, continuously hurting you. Don't you want to know why?”

Sana bites her lip.

“Maybe it's all misunderstandings. Maybe it's all intentional. But either way, you'll get answers. Closure. And then you get to decide how to move from there, instead of torturing yourself.”

“Okay, but-” Sana takes a deep breath. “What if it is all misunderstandings, huh? How is that - it doesn’t change anything. Like, not just that he’s kissed someone else, you know? He’s - he’s still not Muslim.”

They’re both quiet for a few minutes. Beyoncé is playing on the radio - _our love was stronger than your pride._ Jamilla nods her head carefully, slowing the car as they approach an intersection.

“From what you’ve said, I don’t know that he’s not Muslim,” Jamilla says.

“Eh?”

“Questioning faith is a part of faith, don’t you think?” Jamilla says. “Just because he’s lost his way doesn’t mean he won’t find his way back.”

“Maybe.”

“It’s Ramadan tomorrow, you know,” Jamilla says.

“Okay?”

“It’s a time to really ruminate on everything, you know? Break bad habits, reaffirm your relationship with Allah, find compassion for others and for yourself,” Jamilla says. “Maybe all Yousef needs is a reminder of these things, just like we all do. Just like you do.”

Sana smiles slightly; when she speaks her tone is light. “What are you, an imam?”

Jamilla laughs. “I’m just saying.”

“I know.”

“Look, Sana. I don’t know how these things are going to go. But you do need to do them, for your own sake. And then no matter the outcome, you’ve got me. Whether you need me to kick Yousef’s ass or whatever. I’m always here for you.”

“I know,” Sana says.

“Do you?”

Sana looks at Jamilla, really looks at her. Her long, thick eyelashes and brown-purple lipstick. The way the streetlights stream into the car and illuminate her face. The care and comfort in her eyes when she turns slightly to look back at Sana.

“Yes, I know,” Sana says quietly.

They don’t say anything for the rest of the car ride, but Sana doesn’t mind.

She knows that Jamilla is right, and that scares her. Because she’s been with her loneliness for so long, the idea of letting it go, of reaching out, of facing rejecting right now - that’s frightening. And maybe, if she’s being honest with herself, the idea of being accepted, of showing people who she really is, anger, sadness, self-loathing, bitterness and all, without a shield of coolness or pride - that’s frightening too.

She takes a deep breath.

Inshallah _,_ she thinks.

 

+++

 

**Jamilla Bikarim**

**_[Today_ ** _21:43 **]**_

Thanks for tonight, okhati

Anytime, anywhere <3

And remember:

Allah does not impose on any self any more than it can stand. For it is what it has earned; against it, what it has merited. Our Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make a mistake.

<3

For the record, I think it’s going to work out

But if not

Blast this as loud as possible whenever Yousef is around

BeyonceBestThingINeverHad.mp3

JAMILLA

STOP

LMAO

 

Goodnight sis <3

 

+++

 

Sana sits on her bed, scrolling through all of her groupchat messages.

She feels lighter. It’s like her conversations with Elias, Isak and Jamilla have begun to take root inside of her, slowly nurturing her self-love. For the first time in a long time, she had rose for Fajr; she had been able to center herself, speak to Allah, and actually pray. It had been everything she needed: centering, calming, and clarifying. It reminded her of how much she loves Islam.

She’s still angry and sad, of course; so much is still unresolved. But that hopeful feeling that she went to bed with hasn’t died yet, even knowing she has tough and painful conversations before her. She thinks it’s because she’s finally accepted that she can’t carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. But it might also be because everyone she’s opened up to, so far, have been more than willing to share her burden.

She doesn’t let herself berate herself for realizing that the people she loves love her back. That feels like an accomplishment. A small one, but an important one, nonetheless.

A burst of laughter comes through the open balcony doors, startling her slightly. Sana slowly gets up from her bed, curiosity filling her stomach. She peeks through the window, keeping herself hidden. It’s Elias and the boys, of course, but minus one. Sana’s not sure if she’s relieved or worried or disappointed.

“I’m getting hungry talking about this stuff,” Adam complains.

“It’s dangerous to talk about it,” Mutta says.

Mikael slaps at Adam’s shoulder. “Why are you complaining if you’ve already eaten?”

“Eaten?” Mutta sounds disappointed.

“He’s eaten,” Mikael laughs. “Did you know that?”

“Adam’s an old man, so he’s not fasting,” Elias snickers.

“Wallah, I’m sick,” Adam says stubbornly.

Mutta pokes his stomach. “Exactly. Everyone is sick. I’m also sick.”

“No, I’m properly sick,” Adam says.

Sana smirks, half listening to them talking about fasting. Everyone starts piling on Mutta for only fasting one day a week. As they crack jokes and laugh at him, Sana chuckles too. Part of her wants to jump in yell down that none of them are in a position to judge. She saw Elias sneaking a sandwich just a few hours ago, not even lasting until lunch before breaking his fast. But she stays behind the curtain, their laughs and voices oddly soothing.

“- Virgins is cool?” Adam laughs.

“Since we’re talking about virgins,” Elias says, “Where is Yousef, by the way?”

Sana almost chokes on her spit.

“Yeah, where is he?” Mutta asks.

Mikael shifts, looking uncomfortable. “He’s meeting Even.”

Sana has to bite down on her cheek to keep from gasping in surprise.

“You’re kidding?” Mutta says, moving into a sitting position.

Elias leans forward. “Even? Our - Sana’s friend, Even?”

“Yeah, Even.”

“I think - they’ve been hanging out, a bit,” Mikael answers.

“Yeah, Yousef mentioned they’ve been chatting a bit,” Adam says.

Elias says, “Are you being serious right now?”

“Yeah,” Mikael says softly, and then begins to grin. “Why? You getting jealous?”

“What!” Elias is indignant.

“Calm down,” Mutta grins sharply. “We know it’s always you and Yousef, but I’m sure he has room in his heart for two best friends.”

“Yeah, Elias,” Adam laughs. “The fuck.”

“Okay, I’m just saying, why wouldn’t they invite all of us-” Elias starts to say.

“Yeah, that worked out so well, before,” Mikael says.

There’s a despondent pause, and Sana’s heart tugs at her. She watches her brother, wiping his hand over his face. Mutta reaches behind him, knocking his hand into Elias’s knee. Adam moves onto his back, looking up at the sky. Mikael tugs his hand through his hair, glancing down at the grass underneath him. Elias says something, almost whispering, so Sana can’t hear what he’s saying. The rest of the boys make noncommittal noises, and then fall silent.

Sana is about to move away from the balcony, when Adam opens his mouth again.

“No, but what’s up with Yousef’s love life, huh?”

Sana freezes. Her hand finds the edge of the curtain, fingers bunching it up.

Elias groans. “I’m not getting into this.”

“Yeah, he’s all, ‘why won’t she add me back on Facebook?’” Adam laughs.

Mikael says, “And, ‘I swear she hates me, what did I do?’’

“He won’t stop moping around, like it’s really sad,” Mutta says.

“Yeah, maybe you can give him some tips on how to handle rejection,” Mikael snickers.

“That’s foul as fuck, bro!” Mutta slaps at Mikael’s head.

“Yo, we’re not talking about this-”

“He needs to stop acting like a nervous kid with a crush and own up to everything,” Adam says.

“Yeah, like he needs to do a grand gesture,” Mutta says.

Adam makes a noise of agreement. “She’s wife material, you gotta do that for girls like her-”

“That’s true,” Mutta nods.

Elias kicks at Mutta’s head. “What the fuck did I just say-”

“What’s the problem? I swear-” Mutta says.

“Yeah, shut up, Elias,” Mikael says.

Mutta says, “I know it’s weird for you to hear this, but she’s super cute, and also-”

Elias begins, “I swear-”

“You gotta be happy for your bro, Elias!” Mutta says.

“Yeah, but not when it comes to my sist-”

“Sana?”

Sana spins around, heart pounding swiftly in her chest. She can feel the heat rise to her cheeks, confused and embarrassed for eavesdropping and for - maybe? - Being caught.

Her mother is standing in the doorway to her bedroom, an excited smile on her face. Sana clears her throat and walks towards her, smoothing down the front of her shirt as she does.

“Uhm, yeah?” she clears her throat. “Yeah, Mama? Everything okay?”

“Yes,” her mother says, eyes sparkling. “You just - there’s someone here to see you!”

Sana furrows her brow. “Eh?”

Her mother steps out of the doorway, revealing Chris. Sana feels her mouth drop open, and when Chris snickers, she wonders just how much of a cartoon she looks like right now.

“Well, I’ll leave you girls to it,” her mother says. “Should I bring anything? Tea?”

“That’d be awesome, Mrs. Bakkoush, thank you,” Chris says.

Her mother leaves and Chris enters the room. She looks around curiously, like she’s in a museum. Sana trips towards her bed and sits down heavily, mind whirring. She watches as Chris walks around, touching her Bulls jersey and glancing over at all her lipsticks. She finally comes over to Sana’s bed, throwing herself onto it and making herself comfortable. As if this is normal, as if she’s done that a hundred times before.

“So, this is what Sana’s room is like,” she grins. “Cool digs.”

“Chris,” Sana swallows. “What are you doing here? How do you even know where I live?”

The look on Chris’s face is soft and kind. “Jamilla told me.”

Sana’s eyes bulge. “Jamilla?”

“Yeah, I found her on Facebook last night and sent her a message asking if she knew your address,” Chris says. “You know, she’s not nearly as mean as I always thought-”

“Why - how did you even think to message Jamilla?”

“How? Well, she wasn’t my first choice, but fucking hell Sana, it’s hard to get a hold of you! None of the girls knew, so then I tried Isak, but he didn’t know either but he did mention that Sara had said she saw you the other day, talking to-”

“Yeah, yeah, okay Chris,” Sana says.

“I knew I had to ambush you or else I’d never get you to talk to me,” Chris says.

Sana blinks at her, stunned.

“I know I haven’t been around a lot this year,” Chris says slowly. “And so we haven’t been hanging out as much. But the past few weeks, I’ve noticed that you’ve been… acting differently. And I don’t think it’s just because of the mock exam.”

Sana’s heart is pounding. “Did Jamilla say anything to you?”

Chris shakes her head no. “She just thanked me and sent your address over.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They sit staring at each other, the silence stretching between them. Sana can still hear Elias and the boys laughing outside. Sana’s mother knocks, coming back into the room with a tray of tea, cups, and some snacks. She grins at Chris and places it down on the bed before easing back out. Sana almost wishes her mother would come back and ask Chris a million annoying parent questions about school.

“So - so yes,” Chris clears her throat and straightens her shoulders. “I’m worried about you, Sana. Actually - all the girls are worried about you.”

Sana shifts, and her mouth opens. It’s on the tip of her tongue to lie, to push everything away, and make it seem inconsequential. Her body already begins to react. She feels her stomach tightening, her spine going rigid.

“I -”

But then she stops herself. She looks at Chris, face open but hesitant, sitting on her bed cross-legged. She closes her eyes briefly, and dips her tongue out.

“Uhm, yeah. Actually, I...” she has to force the words out, all in one breath. “I’m not okay, I haven’t been in a long time.”

Chris blinks at her, surprised. “Oh.”

They sit in awkward silence. Sana wants to flinch away, wants to yell, _what? Why even did you come here, if that’s all you’re going to say? Did you want me to lie, to make you feel better, to keep on pretending -_

Chris exhales loudly. “That’s - this is good!”

“What?”

“I thought I was going to have to poke and prod you, like, to get it all out, but fucking hell, this is good, Sana,” Chris grins. “Wait - not that you’re not okay, but that you’re talking. I - you know I thought I wasn’t good at conflict, but Dr. Skrulle was right, fuck-”

“Eh?” Sana can barely keep up.

“Nothing, nothing,” Chris says. “Do you - why aren’t you okay?”

Sana bites her lip, unsure of where to start.

“I’m listening, I’m here,” Chris says. “And I want to do whatever I can to help you.”

Sana tries to maintain eye contact. “I - well. Sometimes, it’s… I feel like I don’t belong with you guys.”

Chris furrows her brow. “Huh?”

Sana sighs. “You know I was bullied, in middle school?”

“Yeah.”

“It… well, a lot of different things… made me… harder. Growing up here, Muslim, it made me feel like I would never really belong anywhere, you know? I feel like I’m torn between being Moroccan and being Norwegian a lot. Like I have to prove to everyone that I’m not some… intruder.”

“Okay,” Chris says carefully.

“And that really messes you up, feeling that way.”

She doesn’t know why this is so much harder to say than it was to Isak. She thinks that it’s maybe because now she’s trying to be careful with her words, as opposed to just blurting it all out.

“Hmm.”

“Like I’m constantly being judged, and I feel like I have to have this persona just to get through the day. And it’s not - I’m not being fake, you know, when I’m sarcastic and things. But it is kind of like armor. It just… it doesn’t defend me against everything. Against what people say about me, how they look at me, what they assume. It’s hard not to… internalize a lot of it.”

“I don’t understand, though,” Chris says. “We - the girls and me - never treated you like an outsider. We never made you feel that way.”

Chris doesn’t frame it like a question, but as a fact. Annoyance burns up in Sana, and she tells herself to take a breath.

“Except, you have. All of you have,” Sana says. “From - literally from the moment I’ve met you all. It’s little things you’ve said, done, that make me feel you think that me being Muslim, me being strong, means I’m impenetrable.”

“But you know, none of us care that you’re Muslim-”

“That’s the issue,” Sana says. “Islam is everything to me. It’s not just my religion, it’s my lifestyle. And it matters that I’m Muslim, that I’m Moroccan -”

“But we’re- none of us are racist-”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that - that even if you don’t mean it in any kind of way, the things you think about Islam or the things you say to me - they hurt. I - there’s nothing more I want than to belong with you guys. You’re my best friends. But I want you to see me. Actually see me. And still think I’m worthy of love. Not in spite of my hijab, or despite that I’m not white.”

“I -”

Chris pauses, and they look at each other for a moment. Sana glances down at the tea, which must be freezing by now. Her stomach growls, and she wonders how much time is left before iftar. She could really use a snack.

“I didn’t realize that was such - that it was all such a big deal,” Chris says, finally.

That stings. “How could it not be?”

Chris thinks for a moment. “Well - I don’t know. You never talk about Islam all that much-”

“I try, all the time, but sometimes it feels like nobody's listening,” Sana takes a deep breath. “Like, why are you guys always ordering pepperoni pizza?”

Chris nods slowly.

“That’s just one example, i know it sounds like it’s not a big thing, but it feels big. Everything just adds up,” Sana says. “You guys are my friends so I don’t mind you asking but I don’t know when the last time anyone asked was.”

“Is this what your whole sudden interest in Russ was about?” Chris asks. “That - because we weren’t supporting you, you had to change?”

“Maybe,” Sana admits. “But it was also my own insecurities, about Sara and Ingrid and them. I know-”

Chris looks bewildered. “What do they have to do with anything?”

“It sort of started with them,” Sana sighs. “You remember when we went to look at the bus in the first place? ‘Cool, Norwegian party girls,’ they said.”

“Yeah?”

“And the way they looked at me, and all the other little things -” Sana sighs. “I know it sounds like I’m overreacting. But the way they treated me, I know it’s because of my religion. It’s like they’re scared of me, like they hate me. Just because of those things.”

“But that’s… hate disappears. It’s gone tomorrow,” Chris says, shifting. “Maybe it’s because they don’t understand-”

“And they don’t want to, Chris,” Sana says. “You know why I really left the bus? Because Sara and them kicked me off of it. They plotted to get me out ever since the merge. I overheard some of them, talking about it, at SYNG-”

_I think her brother is a bit crazy… he called Sana ‘slave.’_

_No wonder she’s psycho._

_She’s pretty stupid… she wasn’t really the bus boss._

_I don’t get why she bothered joining the bus in the first place._

_She’s supposed to be a good representative for Islam._

The words run through her mind and before she can stop them, they’re tumbling out of her mouth. She relays the entire story, anger rising. She leans away from Chris slightly, glancing towards the open balcony doors. A breeze ruffles the curtains. She can’t hear the guys anymore; they must have moved inside or left to go elsewhere.

“Fuck,” Chris breathes. “Sana, I had no idea. None of us did.”

“Yeah.”

“I feel like a shit friend! I should’ve - those girls are horrible! And I should’ve known, they talk about each other constantly, they’re always making someone feel low-” Chris cuts herself off, then her voice grows soft. “But I guess I haven’t been any different.”

Sana knows it’s wrong, but Chris admitting that makes her feel slightly better. Sana reaches out, touching Chris’s hand.

“I know part of it is that I - it’s hard to talk about this stuff. I need you to remind me that you’re on my team,” Sana says. “I need to know you care about me, all of me. And that you’ve got my back no matter what.”

“I do, Sana,” Chris says. “I have, ever since the day we met in German.”

“It just never really felt like it,” Sana almost whispers.

Chris takes a deep breath. “I don’t really get it, but I’m going to try. Okay?”

Sana smiles. “Okay.”

“And I think you should tell the other girls too,” Chris says. “I know that they - if they knew, they wouldn’t - okay?”

Sana nods slowly. “I know, it’s just - I’m so tired of talking. I’ve been sharing a lot, these past few days.”

Chris squints her eyes. “Hmm.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, but I mean… who says you have to say anything? You can write it all out, maybe.”

Sana frowns. “Write it?”

Chris nods. “Yeah! Like, draft an email to all of us! To express what you really want to say. And that way, you know, you can take your time and then give them space to read it and really get what you’re saying, you know?”

“Okay, yeah,” Sana says. “Yeah.”

“I can help you write it too, if you want,” Chris says.

Sana smiles and nods. When Chris grins back, it’s wide and loving. It reminds Sana of being in her cabin, the two of them huddled together and laughing, after scaring the shit out of Vilde, Noora and Eva. And for the first time in weeks, when thinking about all of them together, she doesn’t feel so sad. She leans forward, enveloping Chris is a hug. The other girl squeezes her tightly, rubbing her back.

 

+++

 

They spend so much time writing and editing that before Sana knows it, the sun has already set.

Chris ends up staying for iftar, which means it’s a tight squeeze around the kitchen table. Her father is at the hospital, but with Adam, Mutta, and Mikael staying for dinner too, they almost don’t have enough seats. Sana is on a folding chair between Chris and her mother, with Mutta on Chris’s other side. Sana has to keep pretending to cough to hide her laugh, because every time Chris asks Mutta anything, he begins to stutter and his face grows darker. She catches Elias’s eye, who just shrugs at her, grinning.

Halfway through dinner, her mother gets up to take a phone call from her aunt. Before she goes, she smiles gently at Sana, squeezing her shoulder. A gush of affection surges through her, and she smiles back.

“Chris, I have to say, you’re taking all this Moroccan food really well,” Adam says with a blank face. “Most Norwegians I know aren’t great with spices.”

“Yeah, I fucking love spicy food,” Chris says.

“Chris tries to steal my lunch when I bring leftovers all the time,” Sana smiles.

“Oh, so you’re a big fan of Moroccan food,” Mikael says. “Have you had merguez before?”

Sana furrows her brow slightly, wondering where this is going. She sees Elias snickering into his hand, and notices the sly look Mikael and Adam throw at each other.

“What’s that, exactly?” Chris asks.

“It’s a kind of sausage,” Sana explains. “I think you’ve had it before, like in a pastry.”

“Oh yeah!” Chris says. “Yeah, I’ve had that. It’s good.”

“Huh, so you like Moroccan sausages,” Adam’s nodding slowly. “What about Pakistani sausages?”

“Yeah, tried had one of those, you know, in your mou- ”

Mikael is laughing too hard to finish his sentence, and it finally dawns on Sana what the boys are doing. She practically groans as Elias puts his head in both of his hands, shoulder shaking with laughter. Mutta has sunk down into his chair as if he’s trying to disappear right under the table and into the floor. Sana looks upward, briefly asking for patience. She opens her mouth to chastise them, but Chris begins speaking first.

“You know, I haven’t,” she grins, “but I would definitely try one, you know, if it was… made by the right person.”

Sana tries not to choke; Chris wiggles her eyebrows.

“How interesting,” Adam says, smirking.

“Yeah, do you know anyone who could help me with that?” Chris asks, in a faux-innocent tone.

“Yeah, anyone know who could help her?” Mikael cackles. “Mutta? Any idea?”

Mutta puts his head down on the table, narrowly missing his plate of food. Sana thinks she hears him mutter that he hates everyone, but isn’t quite sure. She can’t hear it over the rest of the boys laughing. She rolls her eyes, and raises her eyebrows at Chris. Chris just grins back at her.

“We should do this more often,” Chris whispers to her.

The thought doesn’t make Sana anxious like it once would’ve.

“Yeah,” she says slowly. “Yeah.”

 

+++

 

**Subject: Things I Need to Tell You Guys**

**From** : Sana Bakkoush

 **Sent** : May 28, 20:19

 

Hi everyone,

So, I know that I’ve been acting really distant. I’ve been having a really hard time; things haven’t been great for me lately. And I wanted to talk to all of you about what’s been happening.

In 9th grade, I got into a lot of fights. I was bullied, for being Muslim, for wearing the hijab. Other kids would try to pull it off, they would call me horrible names, they would ask me if I was a terrorist. And the teachers often didn’t do anything. So I learned how to be colder. How to never let anyone see that I was hurt, because it felt easier that way. But there was this one time that it was really bad. Long story short, I ended up punching this boy in my class.

I got into a lot of trouble. There was a social worker who told me I had anger issues. I thought: fuck her, she doesn’t understand shit. Because… she didn’t understand shit. She didn’t know how it was, constantly trying to just survive the next day. Trying to understand why so many people seemed to hate me, hate my religion, hate something that I so deeply love. I didn’t know why they couldn’t see how great Allah is, how much love and knowledge He has granted me. They just went off of these stereotypes. They never seemed to learn the nuances. They never seemed to want to learn about me.

So I internalized a lot of that. I began to wonder that there was something wrong with me. I’m upset and sad too often. And now, I realize that maybe that the social worker was right. Because I am angry. I’m angry because I don’t feel Muslim enough and no matter what I do, I’m not Norwegian or Moroccan enough either. I’m just small and I’m bitter. I’m not chill enough or pretty enough and I don’t fit in anywhere. And I can’t stop being mad at myself and I can’t stop fucking up.

And then, this year, it just felt like everything became worst, especially with the bus. It - it was so important for me to fit in on a Russ bus, and for what? To make myself smaller to girls who don’t really like me? Who are scared of my religion and me? And - that’s why I dropped out of the bus. Because I found out that the other girls were planning behind my back the entire time, to get me out. That they don’t like me, and maybe they never will. And I was angry that that affected me so much. I started - I started thinking that maybe that was how you all felt about me too. That I wasn’t important enough. 

But I’m realizing that I am enough. I’m Muslim and Moroccan and Norwegian. And I know that the bus is not important to me, fitting in with anyone else is not important to me. You are all important to me. And I’m sad that I’ve been pushing you all away instead of confronting you. Telling you that I feel left out a lot, or that sometimes the comments you make about me and Islam really hurt, or that even if I seem really tough, I still need you to tell me you love me. I need you to learn that I’m not invulnerable. I cry, I get horny, I feel heartbreak. But ultimately, I don’t care about anything else, as long as I can belong with you guys. The biggest losers in school.

 Love,

Sana

 

+++

 

It’s still dark outside when Sana wakes for fajr. Even though her stomach is in knots after sending the email, she feels infinitely better. When she prays, it’s with a joyful heart and a clearer mind. As she goes through the ritual, her body slowly becomes more languid. As she speaks to Allah, she actually begins to wake up. And when she’s done, she just sits on her bed for a few moments, stunned by how affirmed she feels.

She finally moves, knowing that sunrise is coming, and she should probably eat something before fasting the rest of the day. She dresses quickly and then trips towards the kitchen. She can hear low music playing; it also smells like blueberry pancakes, which gives her pause. She’s sure that both of her parents are out. Her father was supposed to be operating until early this morning, and her mother was called to the hospital for an emergency delivery for one of her patients.

“Halla, Sana!” Chris yells, bouncing towards her from the fridge.

Sana stares into her kitchen, her breath becoming shallow. Because Chris, Vilde, Eva and Noora are all in the kitchen, making breakfast. Noora stands near the frying pan, flipping pancakes; Vilde chops an assortment of fruits; Eva arranges a bouquet of flowers on the table. Sana barely feels Chris giving her a hug as everyone turns towards her.

“Morning!” Vilde beams at her.

Eva pulls out a chair for her. “Here, come sit!”

“Pancakes are almost ready,” Noora says over her shoulder.

Almost in a daze, Sana moves towards the table, and drops down ungracefully. She blinks at everyone, wondering if this is some kind of strange dream. Her heart aches slightly when she glances back at Noora, but she swallows that down. She’s too confused to even begin thinking about Yousef at the moment. She glances away from Noora and towards Chris. Chris gives her two thumbs up. Sana waits for someone to start talking, about anything - her email, why they’re here, who let them in, why they’re making pancakes. But no one says anything; the radio plays something soft and classical.

Sana breaks. “You’re in my house.”

“Yeah,” Vilde says, popping a strawberry into her mouth.

“Okay.” Sana says. “Why are you in my house?”

Noora says, “We’re making breakfast.”

“We wanted to take you out to lunch but then we realized that wouldn’t work,” Eva adds.

“How did you get in here?”

“Elias let us in,” Vilde says. “But then he went back to sleep.”

“Five in the morning is really early,” Chris adds.

Sana has never experienced anything quite so strange before. All of her nerves bubble up, and when she opens her mouth, she’s laughing. She knows she sounds borderline hysterical, but she can’t help it. She’s had so many serious conversations lately, has been trying to just deal with so many emotions, that she just need to laugh.

Chris joins her almost immediately, followed by Eva, then Noora, then Vilde. For a good five minutes, all they do is clutch each other and laugh. Noora is doubled over, spatula still in one hand. Chris collapses against the table, entire body shaking. Vilde begins to hiccup, gripping the countertop for purchase.  Eva falls out of her chair, hat being knocked askew as she does.

It’s completely bizarre, but Sana feels it’s fitting.

“Fuck,” Eva says. “Sorry, Sana. We’re not laughing at you.”

“Come on,” Noora says. “Let’s eat and then talk.”

 

+++

 

Eva is the first one to speak, a bit of pancake still in her mouth.

“In our first year, I always felt really alone, until you all came along. And you all still loved me, even with what I had done. And I owe that all to you, Sana. You did that. You always defended me and accepted me. I’m so sorry that I haven’t done that for you.”

Vilde goes next. “I know I say the wrong things, a lot. Even though I don’t mean it that way, it comes off really prejudiced. I never… you know, before I started hanging out with you guys, I never had friends who were kind to each other, you know?”

“Hey!” Chris snorts.

Vilde smiles. “Besides you, of course, Chris. But what I mean is, that… I’ve felt kind of what you did, Sana. Like I never really belonged. I was always obsessed with being perfect. And then with the bus merge… I lost track of who my true friends are. Of you, who, even when you’re being mean-”

Vilde pauses, smiling; Sana rolls her eyes, but smiles back.

“-You’re still there for me, have always been there for me, a thousand percent. And I like, betrayed that friendship.”

Noora says, “You always notice when something’s wrong with one of us, and you always make a point to be there. We all should’ve pushed you more, really showed you that we were there for you. Me… especially. With all the things you helped me realize and work out… I put on a mask, a lot. And I should’ve seen right through yours.”

Sana is too overwhelmed to really say anything besides, “Wow.”

Noora squeezes her knee. “Thank you for sharing with us. It must’ve been really hard.”

“Especially all the stuff about being Muslim and facing so much,” Eva says.

Vilde takes a deep breath. “It’s not an excuse, but I - I think none of us knew that what we were doing came off as hurtful. Or racist.”

“Yeah,” Noora agrees.

“We’re really sorry, Sana,” Chris says.

“What can we do to make this better?” Noora asks.

Sana doesn’t respond for a long moment. She stares at all of her friends, unsure of what to say.

Her friends, who took what she wrote seriously and recognized her feelings. Who felt just like she did in so many different ways. Who woke up before dawn on a school day just to make her breakfast and show her how much they love her. Who didn’t once try to tell she was exaggerating. Who understand that they won’t understand everything she’s going through, because they’re not Muslim, but are willing to learn, willing to make it right.

She takes a breath. “There’s a few things...”

Vilde nods her head. “We got this.”

 

+++

 

**MON MAY 29, 16:22**

_Vilde_

Man, I’m fucking tired

School dragged on and on and on and on

And on

 

_Eva_

I was half asleep in all my classes

But totally worth it ;)

 

_Noora_

<3

<3

You’re the coolest losers in the whole school ;)

_Chris_

<3

I need a nap though

 

_Eva_

Btw Sana, we officially dropped out of the bus

 

_Vilde_

I told Ingrid we had better things to do with our time than be on a bus with girls like them

That we were looking to party with some chill girls

Not backstabbing snakes

 

Really?

 

_Vilde_

HELL YEAH

 

_Eva_

It was epic

 

_Noora_

Way to go, Vilde!

 

_Chris_

And now we can focus on more important things

Like planning Eva’s 18th!

 

Yes!

 

_Eva_

WHOO HOOOOOOOO

 

+++

 

Sana sits on the window ledge, legs drawn up. She glances out the window and see Sara, Ingrid and Olivia standing in the courtyard, all of them on their phone. She watches as they talk a bit, give each other stiff smiles, and then go back to looking at their messages.

Sana sighs, and then turns back to the textbook in her lap. She's still annoyed, but she's trying to breath through her anger. She just keeps reminding herself that they're small, petty girls. She doesn't need their energy. She takes a deep breath, and it's the easiest she’s done so in a long time.

“There you are!” Noora walks up to her, a grin on her face.

Sana smiles back, and stares at Noora for a moment. Her white-blonde hair, her red lips. Her heart cracks just a little bit, looking at her friend. She tries her best not to think about Yousef. It works, for a millisecond. And she knows that she’s trying to be honest, trying to commit to openness, but this, this is something she doesn’t want to speak on. Not here, not yet.

“Halla,” Sana clears her throat.

“So… there’s something I wanted to ask you about,” Noora says slowly.

“Yeah?”

“It’s about what happened at SYNG,” Noora starts. “We - I’m not upset anymore, but I feel like we should still talk about it.”

“Uhm-”

“I know you’ve been having a lot of intense conversations, lately,” Noora says. “It’s just-”

She’s interrupted by her phone going off. Sana clenches her fists, and then takes a deep breath as Noora apologizes and then checks her cell. She reads the message on the screen, rolls her eyes, and then stuffs her phone back in her bag.

“Uh, sorry,” Noora rolls her eyes. “Men are the fucking worst, don’t you think?”

Sana smiles tightly, nodding her head.

“He just won’t leave me alone,” Noora grumbles.

And that - that hurts. Not only did Yousef kiss Noora, but he also won’t stop texting her. Inadvertently, her mind goes back to what they guys were saying in the backyard, about Yousef moping around and being rejected.

Noora’s phone goes off again, and she sighs.

“It’s just so annoying,” Noora says. “Ugh. And I’m so embarrassed at what happened. I mean, you know how I am, I never do anything so - so spontaneous and stupid-”

Sana bites on her tongue.

“- To make out with some guy I literally just met. I can’t even remember his name. Alfred? Alexander? Ugh.”

Sana flinches, and then furrows her brow.

“Wait, what did you just say?”

Noora huffs. “Oh yeah, I think you had left at that point. Ugh. It was so dumb. I was so upset, I wasn’t really thinking straight, you know? I ended up making out with this guy Eva introduced me to. He’s from the west side, they met at some party.”

“But what about Yousef?”

The words are out before Sana can stop them. Noora’s eyes widen in surprise and her lips part. She and Sana stare at each other for a few awkward moments.

Sana has no idea what’s been happening to her lately, why she can’t just control herself. She almost laughs, remembering what she once said to Isak long ago - _control your hoes, is all I’m saying._ Sana wonders what happened that now she can barely control her mouth. She really has gotten soft.

“What about Yousef?” Noora parrots, clearly confused.

“I -” the words are caught in Sana’s throat.

“Yousef? I didn’t - Sana, are you - do you think I made out with Yousef?” Noora looks at her like she suggested the sky was falling. “Your Yousef?”

“He’s not my Yousef-”

“Why would you even - I never - I didn’t kiss Yousef!”

“I-”

“Sana! Who told you that?”

“Eva?”

“Eva!”

“Uhm, not exactly -” Sana flushes. “It - some girl Eva was talking to said that you -”

_Yeah, I saw her. She was making out with this tall guy. He was cute, floppy bangs, had like a baseball cap on… Yeah, they were really going at it._

_Well, she must've found Yousef._

“Oh,” Sana says. “Oh.”

“Yousef lost track of you and came to find me after that fight broke out,” Noora says. “He was really worried that you might have gotten hurt. When I said I didn’t know where you were, Eskild said that Even and Isak went to the hospital, and that’s where he went.”

“He- oh,” Sana says again.

“But I promise, Sana, I promise, I didn't kiss him! We literally just talked about you. That's it!”

Everything makes much more sense, now, but Sana has no idea how to react or what to say. Her heart feels like it's going into overdrive, and she feels so foolish. For just making assumptions, for pushing both Noora and Yousef away, for taking things she had heard secondhand as the truth. And what does it all mean, if Yousef didn't kiss Noora?

“You like Yousef,” Noora starts grinning. “That's- oh my God, is that also why you were so upset with me? Because you thought Yousef and I had a thing?”

“I - what!” Sana flushes. “No! I don't like-”

“You do!” Noora claps her hands together. “Sana, that's great-”

“No, but, weren't we talking about you? Why you were upset at SYNG?” Sana asks, trying not to sound desperate.

“What? Yeah, it was because of this whole thing with Eva, and finding out about William, but - no, we can talk about that later!” Noora grins. “Sana!”

“You know, I really have a lot of reading-”

“Sana Bakkoush!”

Noora’s tone is so stern that it startled Sana. All of her excuses to get out of this conversation die on her lips. She blinks a few times as Noora purses her lips and stares at her pointedly.

“Girl, what is happening here? Are you worried that it's an unrequited crush?”

“I-”

“Because anyone who's ever been within a square mile of you two knows it's not,” Noora says. “Fuck, the first time I met him, remember at that party, with the balloons? We talked for like half an hour and all he did was ask about you.”

“What?”

“Yeah! He was like, ‘oh, does Sana date a lot, I never hear her mention anyone,’ and ‘do you think she's having fun, or what kind of scene would she be into’ and all this stuff!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! I even tried to talk to you about him, remember? When we had coffee? But you didn't seem that interested! What was it you told me? Oh, ‘only if you think being immature is charming’?”

Sana almost chokes. “What? Noora, I thought you were only asking because you were interested in him!”

“Sana, no, no way. He’s cute and nice and everything but I’m definitely not into him!” Noora laughs. “And he’s definitely not into me.”

“I - oh,” Sana starts laughing too. “Oh boy.”

“This is so great, Sana,” Noora grins. “You have to text him, ask him out or-”

But then the other shoe drops; Sana’s surprised elation melts into resignation.

For a moment, she thinks about doing exactly what Noora says. It would be so easy, to just text and ask him to get coffee. Knowing that he likes her, knowing that he’s the genuine and sweet person that she thought he was, that he didn’t make out with her best friend. It would be so easy. But it wouldn’t be right; it wouldn’t automatically fix any of the biggest issue at hand.

Yousef still wasn’t Muslim. And it might work for now, but what about in the future? When if she wanted to be married, wanted to have children, wanted to spend her life with him? She felt that many of their values aligned, and that he had listened carefully, reverently when she spoke about Islam. But could she really commit herself to being with someone who didn’t even believe in Allah?

“No, no, what’s that look on your face?” Noora asks, pointing her finger. “Sana-”

“It’s nothing, ” Sana says.

“Really?” Noora gives her an unimpressed look.

“I just have a lot to think about, okay?” Sana says. “It’s complicated.”

“Love-”

“Noora, thank you, I mean it. I’m glad I know the truth now,” Sana says. “And I feel a little silly, of course. But I just need some time to think.”

Noora stares at her for a moment, before sighing. “Yeah, okay.”

Sana smiles. “That’s a good thing, you know? Thinking is good.”

“Yeah, but-” Noora stops. “No, no, you’re right. If you think that’s what you need.”

“Yeah.”

Noora tilts her head. “But I can’t believe you thought I made out with Yousef!”

Sana groans. “Don’t remind me.”

“Don’t remind you of what? That the mock exam is soon and you’re not ready yet?”

Sana turns her head to see Isak grinning at the two of them. He lifts up his textbook, which looks like a truck has run over it.

Sana scoffs. “As if. I’m gonna ace it.”

Isak grins back. “Me too. I’m Stephen Hawking on Red Bull.”

 

+++

 

**Jamilla Bikarim**

**_[Today_ ** _17:26 **]**_

I feel like I haven’t told you this enough

But you’re amazing, did you know that?

Sana <3

You’re too sweet

No, I mean it!

You were my angel in middle school

And you were my angel this week

Thank you, really.

You know I love you so much, right?

I love you too <3

So everything worked out with the girls?

 

Yes, we talked and it’s good

You were right

Of course ;)

And with Yousef?

It’s... complicated

Good thing Complicated is my middle name

No it’s not?

It’s Asha

ANYWAY

I’ll pick you up from school tomorrow

We’ll make a date out of it

Okay

I’ll be done by 16:00

Cool, see you then

You just promise not to cry this time ;)

LOL

I can’t believe I’m saying this but

No promises

Hahahaha

 

+++

 

Jamilla’s voice is low as they entered Sana’s house, toeing their shoes off at the front door.

“I hear what you’re saying, about needing some space,” Jamilla says. “But I’m worried that what you’re doing is actually trying to psyche yourself out.”

“I...” Sana hesitates, not able to argue that Jamilla is wrong.

“You shouldn’t be second-guessing your feelings.”

“I don’t know, Jamilla,” Sana says, shouldering her bag off.

“Just think about how you feel when you’re with him. Didn’t you say playing basketball with him, even when you still thought he kissed Noora, was wonderful?”

“Yeah,” Sana admits. “We have a strong connection. But…”

“But?”

“You know it’s more complicated than that.”

Jamilla pauses. “I know everything feels really emotional right now, but you know, being with the right person can help with that.”

Sana sighs. “How can he be the right person if he’s not Muslim?”

They walk towards the kitchen. Sana hears her mother laughing. Sana raises her finger to her lips at Jamilla. She doesn’t want to talk to her mom about this, at least not just yet. Jamilla nods, even though she looks like she wants to continue to conversation.

“Hi Mama, Jamilla and I ar-” Sana looks into the kitchen, and freezes.

Even is standing in the kitchen, leaning against the table, his arms folded across his chest. He smiles at Sana and Jamilla.

“Halla,” he says.

“Hi,” Jamilla says warmly. “Even, it’s been a long time!”

Sana’s mother peeks her head out. “Sana, Even came over to see you!”

Sana looks at Even, blinking. “Hi.”

“Sorry, I tried to catch you after school, but I think I got out way earlier than you,” he says.

“No, no, it’s fine,” Sana smiles. “Uhm...”

“Why don’t you two talk, and I can help with dinner,” Jamilla says, nudging Sana in the waist.

“Yeah, of course,” Sana says.

 

+++

 

They end up on the swings.

Even’s legs are splayed out wide in front of him, his long arms wrapped around the chains. Sana pushes her feet into the ground, swinging herself back and forth. It reminds her a little of when he and Elias used to hang out. Sometimes, Sana would peek out of her window to see the two of them, hanging out on these swings, just talking for hours. Sana always wondered what two people could have to talk about, for such a long time. Now, she has some kind of clue.

She turns her head to stare at Even’s profile fully. He looks a little lost in thought, head tilted back.

“I missed your mom,” he finally says, a small smile gracing his face. “You know, she always seems so happy to see me. She treated me exactly like she always has, like it was just yesterday the last time I was here, instead of a year ago.”

“I think everyone in the house has missed you,” Sana says carefully.

“Yeah?”

Sana nods.

They’re quiet for another moment.

“Sorry to just show up unannounced, but I wanted to talk to you, alone,” Even says.

“It’s okay.”

“I hope you don’t mind, but Isak told me what happened, you know,” he says. “What you’ve been going through. And I just wanted to tell you that I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

Sana raises her eyebrows. “Even, you really don’t have to-”

“No, no, I want to,” Even says. “Because you’re my friend too, Sana. And more than that…”

“Yeah?”

He takes a breath. “You know, I’ve been… opening up to Isak more about the boys and everything with Mikael and Bakka and… it’s been nice. I always felt like there was this weight, not telling him, you know? It was hard. I guess I just thought I was already burdening him with so much, you know. Being bipolar, being his first boyfriend. It was a lot.”

“I don’t think Isak sees it that way, not at all,” Sana says.

Even smiles. “Yeah, but, it’s easier to tell myself that than to feel that, you know? I feel like… sometimes, there’s just days where I feel utterly useless, like everything I do is wrong. Like I can’t trust myself. You know?”

Sana’s heart aches. “Yes. Yes, I know.”

Even nods slowly. “Yeah, and so I didn’t tell him. Not until the fight. And it was hard, but I’m glad I finally did. We both were able to get a lot of things out.”

“That’s great, Even.”

“Yeah. But it also helped me realize how much of this I owe to you, Sana.”

She digs her feet into the dirt, pausing the swing. “What?”

He says, “When everything happened last year… you never judged me. You didn’t ask me a million questions. I didn’t… when I was at my lowest, you never pushed, you just made sure you would be there. Do you remember… when I had come over, after I had read all this stuff about Islam?”

Sana nods. “You and Elias were talking about what Muslims believe, and you said how the Quran teaches that Allah hates gay people...”

He nods. “And Elias was trying to tell me that I was wrong, but I was - it was a bad episode, for me, so I wasn’t really listening. But then you stormed into the room, do you remember what you said to me?”

“Yeah,” Sana says softly.

“You said that Allah couldn’t hate people for who they love, and that there was no way that He hates me. You told me, ‘and spend for the cause of Allah, and cast not yourselves into ruin with your own hands, and do good; surely, Allah loves those who do good.’”

“And that out of everyone I know, you’re the person who has always done the most good,” Sana continues.

“Yeah. And that… it was so meaningful to me. I thought about it a lot, last summer. When… I was in the hospital for...”

“You don’t have to say,” Sana says.

Even nods. “Well. It helped me through thinking… goodness and love and intentionality isn’t something you are or aren’t, it’s something you do. I guess that was something I had never thought of, before. I don’t know if that’s the right interpretation, but yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway. So then when I made the choice to go back to school, I chose Nissen because I knew you’d be there.”

“Woah,” Sana says. “I - I had no idea.”

He nods. “Yeah. And then, you… let me do things at my own pace. You invited me to all these things, like Kosegruppa or just studying in the library with you. I know this is gonna sound weird, but you were kinda like my angel.”

“It’s not weird.”

“And how you encouraged me to talk to Isak and to see where it will go...” Even smiles. “ I don’t know where I would be without that support.”

“It was nothing-”

“It wasn’t nothing. Not to me.”

“Okay.”

They sit silently for a few minutes.

“You know, out of all the stuff that happened last year, one of the things I regret most is cutting myself off from the guys,” Even says. “I was so embarrassed and I was ashamed. At the time for - for kissing Mikael. But then later, but not trusting them to have my back, you know? And then so much time passed… I didn’t know how to mend the relationships. Like, I even… came over now because I knew Elias wouldn’t be home.”

Sana frowns. “How?”

He winces. “I… maybe saw on Isak’s Facebook that Elias checked in at the gym.”

Sana shakes her head. “I can’t believe they’re Facebook friends...”

Even laughs. “Yeah, I know.”

“No, but… Even, I know it’s tough, talking to people, even your friends,” Sana says. “But the guys, they...”

Even sighs. “I know. I’m still trying to find my courage, I guess.”

Sana nods.

“Though I have hung out with Yousef a few times, and that’s been… it’s been great. We’ve talked about so much shit, you know? And then just chilling, it’s been fun.” He smiles.

Sana thinks about her words carefully. “Yeah, I heard that you had been together. I’m glad that’s been good.”

“Yousef is a good guy,” Even says. “Probably the best guy I know.”

Sana’s heart gets caught in her throat; she doesn’t say anything.

“We’ve been talking about Islam a lot, you know? About how we both sort of… blamed religion for a lot of things. What the point of faith is, and how important it can be. And you know - actually for a couple of Fridays now - we’ve actually gone to the mo-”

Sana’s phone rings loudly, startling both of them. Even stops speaking as Sana apologizes and begins digging through her hoodie. She frowns, looking at the screen; it’s Jamilla.

“Sorry,” Sana says, and then answers the phone.

Jamilla is whispering. “I thought I should just give you a head’s up, Elias and the boys just got home.”

“Oh,” Sana glances at Even. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“See you soon.”

“Bye.”

Sana hangs up, and slowly rotates her phone around in her hands. Even is staring at her.

“That was Jamilla,” Sana says. “The boys just came over.”

“Ah,” Even smiles crookedly.

“You could come inside,” Sana says. “Say hello. Stay for iftar.”

He shakes his head no. “Maybe another day.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” he says. “But - could you text Jamilla and ask her to bring me my shoes?”

 

+++

 

Jamilla ends up leaving with Even, promising that they’ll finish their conversation soon. Sana squeezes both of them tightly, before saying goodbye. She retreats into her bedroom, trying to ignore the hullabaloo coming from the living room. She still has a lot of work to do. She’s been able to mostly keep up with her schoolwork, especially studying for the mock exam. But having so many emotional crises was definitely making it hard to focus before.

She’s in the middle of a practice quiz when there’s a gentle knock on her door.

“Yeah, come in,” she says distractedly, assuming it’s her mother.

It’s Yousef.

“Hey, Sana,” he says, opening the door and hovering in the entryway.

“Hi,” she says, startled.

And then, she can’t help it. She starts smiling at him, wide and playful, knowing her dimples are popping out at him. All of her hesitations and real concerns hover near the back of her mind. They’re still present, but she just feels so damn happy to see him, too. To look at him with all the new things she knows, that he actually has a crush on her, too.

He grins back. “Hi.”

“What’s up?” Her heart pounds.

He rubs the back of his head. “Not much, not much. How’s - are you studying? Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt-”

“No!” she swallows. “No, it’s okay. It’s fine.”

“It’s good seeing you, you know, not so stressed,” he says. “I’m glad.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re so smart, you didn’t have anything to -” he smiles. “Well, anyway.”

“What are you guys up to?”

He shrugs. “Just playing some games, you know. I had to get away, Adam and Mutta look like they’re gonna kill each other.”

“Yeah?”

He nods seriously, but his eyes sparkle. “Mario Kart really tests you, especially when the track is Rainbow Road. I don’t know how much longer their friendship will survive. Mutta’s on a rampage.”

“Ah,” Sana nods, trying not to grin. “I didn’t realize it would be so serious.”

“Dead serious,” he says. “You know, you’re always welcome to join us...”

“And risk my friendship with Mutta?” she shakes her head. “Losing that would be so tragic.”

“Nah, that wouldn’t happen.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Why not?”

“He barely thinks he has a chance with Chris now, he’d be terrified over what would happen if you ended up throwing a controller at him,” Yousef laughs.

Sana says, “Hah! Yeah, right.”

“Yeah, we should all hang out again soon,” Yousef says.

Sana’s heart pounds. “That would be-”

“Yousef?” her mother’s voice floats into the room.

Sana watches as he turns, surprised. He tugs on his hair and greets Sana’s mother.

“I was just saying hi, Mrs. Bakkoush, seeing if Sana needed anything-”

“She should still be fasting-”

“Yes, yes of course,” Yousef says, sounding embarrassed. “I know, I’m-”

“Just going?” Sana can hear the smile in her mother’s voice.

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah.”

Sana’s heart drops as he walks away, and her mother comes into the room. She looks down at her computer, and sighs. She forgot to pause the quiz, and the timer has run out. She moves her mouse to exit out of the window, and doesn’t say anything as her mother closes the door and comes in to sit on her bed. Sana turns slightly, smiling at her.

“I’m happy to see so many of your friends over, Sana,” her mother starts.

A coil of guilt springs in her stomach. “Yeah, Mama?”

Her mother nods. “It’s nice to finally meet Chris. And to see Jamilla and Even again. Your brother told me some other girls came over to make breakfast as well?”

Sana nods. “Eva, Vilde and Noora. Well, Chris too.”

“You know, you can have them all over when your father and I are here as well,” she says.

“I know, Mama.”

“I like meeting the important people in your life.”

Sana takes a breath. “I like that too. Maybe… I can invite the girls over again. Next week?”

“That would be fine with me,” her mother says.

They smile at each other, and Sana’s guilt eases.

“You know, Sana...” her mother sighs. “I’m sorry if I made you feel that you had to hide your Norwegian friends from me. Of course I trust you. You’re a good person and a good daughter. But I worry. That’s a mother’s prerogative.”

Sana nods slowly. “I know, Mama. And you and Baba are amazing parents. The best I could ever ask for.”

Her mother smiles. “I just want you to have a good life, for it to be as easy as possible. And I know that… being friends with people who are different can be beautiful, but it can also be stressful. I just… never want you to feel like you must change to fit in, or that you have to constantly correct their misconceptions. And choosing to raise you, Elias and Amir in this country…  well, I know that you’ve had to go through things that I can’t even imagine.”

“I… sometimes I feel lost, but I think I’m getting the swing of things. Or, I’m trying,” Sana says. “And my friends, they do mess up, a lot. But I don’t really mind because I know they’re trying too.”

Sana smiles at her own words. It’s amazing, she thinks, how much difference a few days makes. How much difference just a few words make.

“Alright. I just want to remind you that you can always share people with me. Okay?”

“Okay, Mama.”

Her mother gets up, and kisses her forehead. She slowly walks back towards the door, resting her hand on the knob. When she turns back to smile at Sana, there’s a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“You can also share with me about boys,” her mother says. “Even if those boys happen to buy vodka...”

Sana almost chokes. “Mama-”

“I trust you,” her mother repeats.

“Mama, wait,” Sana blurts out.

“Hmm?”

Sana sighs. “That wasn’t Yousef. That was… I had… when you and Baba saw that bottle, that was the night I had a bunch of girls over. They had brought it over, they were drinking in the house.”

“Sana-”

“And Yousef and Elias covered for me,” Sana says quickly. “That was my fault, not theirs. I shouldn’t have let the girls drink here and disrespect you, the house, or me. I’m sorry.”

“I know, Sana.”

“And I understand if-” Sana cuts herself off, furrows her brow. “Wait. You know?”

Her mother gives her an unimpressed look. “You think I’ve raised three children to not know when someone has thrown a party? Please. At least you’re better at hiding things that Amir ever was.”

Sana scrunches her face up. “It was that obvious?”

Her mother says, “I found an empty champagne bottle under the sofa the next morning.”

“And you never said anything? Were… are you mad at me?”

Her mother says, “I wish you would have told me at the time. But you’re a good girl, Sana. It’s more important to me that you learned your lesson than for me to punish you for this mistake.”

“I did, Mama,” she says. “I definitely did. And I’m sorry.”

“You’re already forgiven,” her mother says.

 

+++

 

**Isak Valtersen**

**_[Today_ ** _21:11 **]**_

Even told me he went to see you today

Yeah

I’m not telling you what we talked about

That’s not why I’m texting!

He already told me, btw

#Relationshipgoals

You’re the worst

Am I? ;)

Yes

Anyway

I just want to thank you for everything

Not only for Even but for me too

You’re the best best bud in the world

<3

You too, Isak

<3

:)

And I’ve been thinking

Do I smell wood burning?

HAHA

No but seriously

About?

I know Even misses his friends

And he’s been hanging out with Yousef but he misses all of them

You want to try to get them all hanging out again?

Yeah

See if we can’t help mend their relationship

Okay

Yeah I’m in

Yeah?

YES

You know, Eva’s birthday is coming up…

Okay?

That’d be a great place to get them all together

OH

I agree

Okay

Let’s start planning then?

Let’s go, bitches

 

+++

****

Sana steps into the bathroom, phone in her hand and a confused look on her face. Her eyes immediately shoot to Vilde, who is surrounded by the other girls. Eva is rubbing her back consolingly.

“Why are we meeting in here?” Sana asks, bewildered.

“The bathroom is a sacred space for women to share,” Vilde says authoritatively, and then hiccups.

Noora catches Sana’s gaze, and they both roll their eyes.

“Vilde is in a crisis,” Eva says, more sympathetically.

“What’s happened?” Sana asks, frowning as her eyes wrack over Vilde’s worried face.

“Nothing’s happened,” Vilde says, sniffing. “That’s the problem.”

Sana scrunches her nose. “Eh?”

“Vilde is thinking about breaking up with Magus,” Chris says, “Because she doesn’t feel ‘the spark.’”

“The spark?”

“Yeah, Sana,” Vilde nods emphatically. “You know? Like… that feeling you get when you’re around someone you like? Like, excited and nervous and content and turned on all at once?”

“Ah, okay,” Sana says slowly. “So… the spark is gone?”

Vilde nods. “And I don’t know what happened. It’s not that Magnus did anything recently, you know? He’s so nice. But the sex has just been… boring. And none of the regular tricks work.”

Noora brushes Vilde’s hair back. “Regular tricks?”

“Yeah, you know the tricks you use with guys to get turned on,” Vilde says.

There’s an awkward pause.

“Oh come on,” Vilde says. “You know what I mean. Noora, you taught them to me.”

“I did?” Noora sounds surprised.

“Yeah, remember? When I was nervous about having sex with William? You told me to think about things that make me horny, like clothes and makeup and stuff. So that’s what I did with Magnus, I thought about all the stuff that really turned me on. But that’s not working anymore. I even tried drinking more wine, but that didn’t help either.”

Chris says slowly, “So when you were… with Magnus… you were always drinking? And fantasizing about other things?”

“Well, yeah,” Vilde says. “Isn’t that how everyone gets through sex?”

Eva’s hand on Vilde’s back stills, and Noora fidgets uncomfortably. Sana and Chris glance at each other and Vilde’s eyes widen. Her voice goes high, like she’s close to tears.

“You’re telling me no one does that? None of you?”

“I - okay, Vilde, it’s just, when you’re with someone you like, you shouldn’t have to force yourself to be intimate with them,” Eva says, glancing at Noora. “And of course fantasizing is normal but, if you’re not turned on at all just by being with that person - kissing them, touching them…”

“Well, how about this, how do you feel when you’re just with him, without the sexual things?” Noora asks quickly.

Vilde shrugs. “Okay. It’s like hanging out with any guy, you know? It can be fun but it’s mostly, you know. Something you have to do. Cause that’s your boyfriend.”

“Yikes, Vilde,” Chris says.

“What?”

Sana jumps in. “I think what Chris means is that - when you’re with someone you have a crush on, it shouldn't feel like a chore, like hanging out with them is something you endure. You know? It’s like… you can’t help smiling when you see them. Or there are so many things you want to talk to them about and you can’t help yourself. That things you love doing feel ten times better because they’re with you, or when you’re mad at them, it’s so much worse than when you’re mad at anyone else, or...”

She trails off when she notices the way the girls are staring at her. Chris’s eyebrows are raised and she has a sly grin on her face. Noora looks like she’s trying not to burst out laughing. Vilde’s eyebrows are furrowed, and Eva is just looking at her with her lips half-parted.

“What?” Sana asks, slightly defensively.

“Sana, are you in love with someone?” Eva asks slowly. “And you haven’t told any of us?”

“I - what? No!” Sana barks.

“You totally are!” Chris shouts. “Who?”

“No, I’m just saying-”

“Oh my God, it’s your brother’s friend, isn’t it?” Vilde’s mouth transforms into a grin. “Yousef!”

“It totally is!” Eva laughs, nodding her head.

“I’m not-”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Chris demands.

“Wait - Noora, did you know about this?” Eva turns suddenly, gently slapping Noora’s shoulder. “Why aren’t you freaking out more?”

Noora shrugs, grinning too. “I just found out, okay!”

Suddenly, everyone is squealing and laughing and making too much noise at one time. Sana can’t get a word in edgewise.

“This is so perfect! And he totally likes her too, remember when we were on the train to the party-”

“Oh, oh, or when we saw the guys at the gym, and he like, stared at her all sultry for like, a good five minutes-”

“He is so cute and tall and Sana, you’re so little, you would look so cute-”

“This is great, have you asked him out yet-”

“Wait, no, has he asked you out yet-”

“Hello! Stop!” She snaps, finally getting their attention.

“What?” Eva says.

Noora sighs. “Sana doesn’t think it will work.”

“Why not?” Vilde frowns at her.

Sana rolls her eyes. “I didn’t say that. I said it’s complicated. I just need some time to think.”

Eva huffs. “What is there to think about? He likes you, you like him...”

“You know, it’s been a really emotional week for me,” Sana grumbles. “And I just-”

“But you’re so perfect together!” Vilde says.

“He’s not Muslim, okay?” Sana snaps.

“Oh,” Chris says softly.

They all seem to deflate quickly. Sana tenses, and waits for them to start asking why she can’t date a non-Muslim. She’s grateful and surprised when they don’t say anything. Eva simply moves over to her, resting her head on her shoulder and whispering that this sucks. Strangely, she relaxes into Eva. Having their support over this seems to make the whole situation much easier.

“Yeah, and maybe we could date for a while, but… what if I really do fall in love with him?” Sana says. “Then what?”

“Sana, I think you’re already in love with him,” Vilde says hesitantly.

“I-” Sana pauses. “Maybe. But it doesn’t matter.”

They’re all silent for a moment, and then Chris claps her hands together.

“What does Jamilla think?”

Sana blinks. “Huh?”

“We all love you, Sana, but maybe this is a thing that we can’t really help with, cause we’re not Muslim too,” Chris says. “You know, cause my first reaction is to tell you to just go for it anyway.”

“Mine too,” Noora admits.

Sana huffs. “Jamilla thinks that he’s just questioning his faith now, because of… a bunch of stuff that happened. But that maybe he just needs a reminder of why he believed in the first place.”

“That sounds fair,” Eva says.

“Yeah. And if that's the case, then dating someone with such strong faith, like you, can only be good for both of you, right?” Chris asks.

“And it’s Ramadan!” Vilde says. “A time to become closer to Allah, so like, isn’t this the perfect time for him to figure out that he really is Muslim?”

Sana furrows her brows at Vilde. “What?”

“What? I know how to do research,” Vilde flushes.

“No, it’s - Jamilla said almost the same thing,” Sana says.

“Well!” Vilde grins at her, triumphant.

“I don’t know,” Sana says. “Like I said, it’s just - I need time to think.”

Noora stares at her for a moment, and then clears her throat. “Look, I know it’s deeper than this, but… okay. Last year, before I… started dating William, Vilde and I had a conversation about it. And she asked me… she asked me if I was sure that William deserved me.”

Sana looks at Vilde, who just wets her lips but doesn’t say anything.

“And at the time, I was really confused. I said I didn’t know. Now though… I know that he didn’t. Doesn’t. It was...” Noora pauses. “Anyway. Maybe that’s one way for you to look at this. If you really like Yousef and you feel in your heart that he deserves you... Maybe it’s worth the risk.”

Eva coughs and Noora’s face flushes. Eva reaches out, holding Noora’s hand for a moment. Sana squints at Noora, wondering if something is going on beyond the conversation they’re all having. She shrugs back, dropping Eva’s hand.

“It’s just something to think over,” Noora says.

“Okay,” Sana says.

“I think it’ll work out,” Chris says brightly.

Vilde adds, “Me too!”

Sana smiles. “No, but, weren’t we talking about Vilde and Magnus, huh?”

Vilde groans. “Oh yeah. Back to my crisis.”

 

+++

**FRI JUNE 2, 18:09**

_Chris_

Oh fuck

I forgot to tell you

Mom OKed having Eva’s bash at my house

 

_Eva_

Really?

WHOOOOOOO

 

_Vilde_

YES

PARTY PARTY PARTY

 

_Noora_

Can’t wait!

Did you want to come over next week to plan?

 

_Eva_

Really???

YES

 

_Vilde_

Yeah that would be awesome!

Okay, cool

Oh, also

Eva is it okay to invite Elias and the guys to your party?

 

_Chris_

YES EVA

P L E A S E

 

_Noora_

So that includes Yousef right? ;)

Yes Noora

All of them

But Isak and I are trying to plan something

To get Even and them together again

 

_Vilde_

Awwwh

 

_Eva_

HELL YES

The balloon squad in the house

 

_Noora_

Is everyone coming to school Monday?

We can iron out details then

 

Eva

I thought it wasn’t mandatory

 

_Vilde_

If you want to fail, maybe

 

_Eva_

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhasdfghjklpoiuytrewqzxcvbnm

 

_Chris_

You and me both Eva

LOL

Girls don’t worry

We got you

 

_Eva_

<3

 

_Chris_

Okay see ya then babes

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi loves! I've had a very busy past few weeks, so I apologize for this being so delayed! But here's the latest chapter - please leave a review, I can't wait to read what you think!

As soon as Sana steps into the living room, she knows something’s wrong with her brother.

He’s laying on the couch, the hood of his sweater tugged up over his head, and a snapback tugged low over his face. His laptop is on his stomach and he’s tapping at it almost aimlessly, his jaw clenched slightly. Sana dips out her tongue and approaches him slowly, giving him time to see her coming up to him.

“Halla,” she says.

He glances up. “Hey.”

“You okay?”

He shrugs. “Yeah. Fine.”

“Okay,” she says slowly. “You wanna talk about whatever’s just ‘fine’?”

He rolls his eyes. “It’s nothing. Just Mama and Baba, getting on me again.”

“Getting on you again?”

“You know,” his fingers dip into his pocket for a minute, pulling at the fabric. “For being the family screw-up.”

She furrows her brow. “The ‘family screw-up’?”

He turns back to his laptop, tapping on the trackpad, not looking at her. “Yeah. You know what I mean.”

“I really don’t.”

“Come on, Sana.”

“No, you come on.”

He sighs and waves his hand at her. “You know. That I’m not as good as you and Amir. Same old shit.”

He doesn’t look at her directly, just keeps tapping away on his laptop. Sana wets her lips and furrows her brow at him. She’s not exactly sure what he’s talking about; but he speaks as if this were a conversation they have had many times over, like he’s tired of rehashing it. The video he’s editing keeps on playing; the guys laugh in the recording.

“They said that? That you’re not as good as me and Amir?” she asks slowly. “Mama and Baba?”

“No one has to say it, Sana, it just is what it is.”

“Why would you even think that?”

He sighs, jabs down on the trackpad harder than necessary. “It’s not what I think, Sana. It’s what I know. Can you just - look, I’m in the middle of something -”

“Elias, you can talk to me,” Sana interrupts. “You’re not alone, you know. I'm here.”

For a moment, she thinks repeating his words back to him is a mistake. She worries that he’s just going to continue messing around on his laptop. He taps a few more times on the trackpad, and begins to type something in. Then, as if it takes him a great effort, he sighs. He looks up at her, dark eyes searching her face. She raises her eyebrows at him, trying to appear cool, unaffected. But her heart is pounding. She’s scared that something is really wrong with him, something that she might not be able to help out with. And after everything that’s happened - everything he’s helped her understand, especially - she wants nothing more than to be open, to be there for the people she loves.

“Yeah, and you don’t have to protect my feelings,” he finally says.

“Eh?”

He sighs. “Look, I’ll be over it in a few days. I’m used to it by now.”

“Elias, hold on,” she says carefully, sitting down on the coffee table. “I want to help. I’m not trying to protect your feelings, or whatever. But I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You… really don’t know, do you?” His eyes search her face for a moment; he seems to sink deeper into the couch. “Yeah. I guess you wouldn’t.”

It comes off angrier than she would have imagined.

“So, then… maybe we should talk about it?” she asks him.

“It’s not a big deal,” he shrugs. “It’s just… Mama and Baba don’t understand me, what I do, the same way they understand you and Amir.”

“What you do?”

“Yeah,” he says. “They think art is a hobby, not a career.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighs. “They think the YouTube channel is just a big joke, to me. Like, Baba keeps asking when I’ll go back to school, if I’ve started looking into any medical programs. But they don’t...”

“What?”

“They don’t understand, I’m not like them, I’m not like you and Amir,” he says, all in a rush. “I don’t care about being a doctor or a scientist. I never have and I never will. I don’t need a fucking fancy degree to show that I’m worth something.”

His voice is so passionate, so angry, that Sana knows that this isn’t the first time he’s said any of this. But she sits heavily, surprised; because it’s certainly the first time she’s heard it. She bites down on her lip, trying to think of something to say to him.

He waits, eyes shuttering the longer the pause takes. “You know, never mind. I knew you wouldn’t get it.”

She becomes defensive. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He snorts. “You’re the golden child, Sana. You can literally do no wrong in Mama and Baba’s eyes.”

“That’s not true-”

“Oh yeah? Then tell me why I’m always the first one they blame when you do something wrong? ‘Elias, why doesn’t Sana invite her friends over?’ ‘Elias, what’s Sana doing hanging out with Yousef so late at night?’ ‘Elias, if you don’t go back to school, Sana will think that’s what she should do, too,’ ‘Elias, you need to stop drinking and set a good example for your sister,’ yeah, yeah, whatever.”

Sana’s lips part, and she sits with this for a moment, a heavy weight inside of her.

“It’s just bullshit, you know? Like, so what if I’m not in school, there are so many other ways to live, so many others things to be fucking passionate about besides medicine, you’d think that the only career path is to be a doctor, but what about art, huh? What about things that make you happy, that make you creative, that make you alive? What the fuck is so wrong with just wanting to create, huh? It’s not a crime to not be just like them-”

Sana flinches back at the sound of his voice, angry and loud. He sucks in a breath, like he’s all out of air, like he’s been holding in that tirade for such a long time that he has nothing else to hold onto. His hands are clenched into fists on top of his laptop, and his face is flushed. Sana swallows, trying to think of something to say to him that won’t sound trite, that won’t sound condescending or overused.

“- I’m - I’m not like you and Amir,” he says again, his voice softer now. “I’m not like you and Amir.”

When Sana had walked into the living room, she hadn’t prepared herself for something like this. She was just going to step in, ask how Elias was doing, and invite him and the guys to Eva’s birthday party. But now, her mind flashes with so many memories, so many images.

Her father, boasting about her and Amir and their accomplishments, and waving a hand - _and Elias is in art school, making videos._ Elias, casually mentioning a film screening of his senior project in school, and Sana and the guys being the only ones who showed up - _Mama and Baba had to work, they knew you’d understand_ \- even though the whole family had made it to every one of Amir’s lab presentations. Sana’s own words, ringing in her ears, about the things she’s said to Even, just weeks ago - _Elias is taking a gap year. Just messing around, as usual. Living off of mom and dad -_ and a knot of guilt ties itself in her stomach.

“I’m sorry, Elias,” she says, voice soft.

“Not once have either of them asked about how the Hei Briskeby videos are going. And I have other projects too, about serious shit, you know? Police violence, masculinity… but you'd think doing shit like that, important stuff, is just nothing.”

“Elias, I had no idea, I didn't know-” Sana starts to say.

“That I’m the big family embarrassment?” he laughs, hollow. “It’s fine.”

A rush of anger goes through Sana, but it’s much different that the emotion she’s been carrying around in her. It’s something more raw, more protective. It burns hot and bright in her, and even though she’s a bit ashamed of herself, it’s more than that. It’s about telling someone that she loves that they’re not worthless.

“You’re not the big family embarrassment,” she snaps at him.

His mouth drops open, and he gapes at her for a minute.

“Look,” she says, “You - okay. Maybe none of us take your art as seriously as we should. But we all love you, and we all are pulling for you. Especially me, Elias. You’re my big brother, and you’re my friend. And I’ve always got your back. So don’t sit there and call yourself that.”

His eyebrows disappear somewhere under his snapback. “Sana, wait-”

“Nie, Elias!” she says. “You pushed me to talk to you, and now I’m doing the same. Fucking tell me what’s up!”

“Don’t speak like that,” he says, automatically.

She looks at him, unimpressed. “Oh, yeah? And what the fuck are you gonna do about it?”

They stare at each other for a long moment, and then, suddenly, Elias breaks out into a grin. He rubs the top of his head, through his hood, staring at Sana fondly. Sana automatically smiles back at her brother.

“No, it’s not that serious,” he says.

“I feel like it is.”

He sighs. “I just… sometimes it would be nice if they didn’t always compare me to Amir. If they didn’t always blame me for being a bad influence on you.”

“Okay,” Sana says. “Okay.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want me to talk to Mama about it?”

“No, don’t do that. Seriously.” he says. “I don’t think that will help. You know how she is. She always thinks she knows what’s best for us. Which sometimes, yah, but not always.”

Sana hums a little. “I don’t know, Elias. I think if you’re willing to talk, she’s willing to listen.”

“I don’t know.”

“Just think about it,” she says.

He huffs. “Okay, fine.”

“But, you know...” she hesitates, trying to find the right words. “If they… seem overbearing, or are always on your back, it’s just because they’re worried, I think. Like...”

“Like?”

“A few weeks ago, Mama asked if you were drinking,” Sana says. “And I said no. But that was before...”

He winces. “Ah.”

“I won’t tell them. And I’m not judging you. But why were you so drunk? It wasn’t even night out, Elias.”

He groans. “I don't wanna talk about it. It's fucking stupid.”

“Try me.”

“Ugh…”

She takes a chance. “Give me a chance, Elias. I might surprise you. You’re much harder on yourself then literally everyone else is.”

He flinches, startled. “Is this why you get such good grades? Memorization-”

“Elias!”

“Chill! Okay?” he says. “Okay?”

“I'm chill!”

He groans, burrows deeper into his hoodie, and mumbles. Sana can't quite hear what he says. She furrows her brow, and leans closer to him.

“Eh?”

“I said,” he practically shouts, “It was to impress a girl!”

Sana blinks at him, and then presses her lips together. She scolds herself, trying not to laugh. He rolls his eyes.

“Wallah! I knew you wouldn't understa-”

“No! No, I get it,” she says.

“Do you?”

“Yeah, Elias, I do,” she says. “I've done some stupid things myself, lately.”

He grunts.

“I'm just - Elias, really?”

“It was a drinking game, okay? I thought I could handle another shot-”

She makes an aborted noise, trying not to laugh. She's sure that not the whole story. But he looks so disgruntled that she feels the humor bubbling up anyway. He has the same look on his face that he did on her sixth birthday, when he realized he wasn't getting any presents, too.

“Sana, I swear-”

“Okay!” Sana says. “I'm not judging you. I promise.”

He narrows his eyes at her, but doesn't say anything.

“I swear,” she says. “It's just, Elias… why did you even start drinking?”

“Huh?”

She moistens her lip, trying to think of the right way to say what she feels in her heart.

“Elias, you know, you've always been the cool Bakkoush. You get along with people so effortlessly. And girls, guys, everyone - they've always thrown themselves at you. But you never used to drink. And certainly not like that.” She takes a breath. “So tell me. What's really up.”

“Nothing's up!”

“Really?”

“Why does it have to be so deep, huh?”

“Because I know you,” she says. “And black out drinking, even to impress someone, isn't you.”

He doesn't say anything for a moment.

“I think I liked it better when you were the one with all the issues,” he finally mutters.

“Elias!”

“Sanasol!” He shoots back.

She cocks her head, raising one eyebrow at him. She stares him down, until he twitches slightly, groaning.

“You look so much like Mama when you do that, it's fucking frightening-”

She clears her throat loudly, cutting him off.

He sighs. “Okay, okay.”

She watches him take a few more breaths, like the more air he can take in, the more courage he'll find. She sits patiently, waiting for him to find the words; just as he did for her, just a couple of weeks ago.

“I started drinking in high school. And it wasn't a big deal, you know? A lot of people, Muslim and not, drink. And it was fine. Just a few beers at parties. But then…”

“Then?”

“I graduated. And sometimes, being drunk was just better than being sober, you know? I didn't have to think about anything. I didn't have to be the slob on the couch, living off his parents.”

“I'm sorry, Elias,” she says softly.

“You know, sometimes a drink is just a drink,” he says. “But sometimes…”

“It's something else?”

He nods. “It's funny. Not ‘haha’ funny, but ironic, maybe. Even used to talk about that all the time, like getting high? He would tell me, ‘sometimes it's for fun Even to come out and sometimes it's for Even to go away altogether.’”

Sana nods slowly, her heart breaking at the omission.

“But it's- I'm trying to deal with it,” he says. “And you don't need to be worrying about me.”

She smiles slightly. “What do you mean? Come on, Elias. It's the Bakkoush siblings against the world.”

He smiles a little, too. “When I'm sad, you're sad?”

“Yeah,” she says resolutely.

“Yeah.”

“However you’re feeling… I'm here. And I know Mama and Baba are too, even if it's harder to talk to them,” Sana says. “And your boys love you. They got you, all of them. Including Even.”

“Yeah?”

“He misses you.”

He nods carefully. “I miss him too.”

She hums. “You know, Eva’s birthday is coming up, and you're all invited. Maybe that's a good place to… start talking.”

Elias chuckles a little. “You and Yousef, I swear. You just love taking care of people. No wonder you're both so into each other.”

She flushes; he grins sharply.

“I see you're not denying it anymore, Sanasol,” he sings out.

“That's - look, I’m not even into him-”

“That's not what I heard from Jamilla-”

“You-” Sana snaps. “What!”

“I'm just saying-”

“I'm not talking about this with you!”

He laughs at her, and she rolls her eyes, moving to get up from the table. She goes towards the door, trying not to mutter curses at him as she goes. She swears, no matter how cool Elias is, having a brother so close in age can be the worse sometimes.

“You don't have to be so serious all the time, sis,” he calls after her. “Things have a way of working out. Promise.”

Her heart softens at the laughing tone in his voice. She turns around slightly, a little smile on her face.

“Okay, but to be serious. Are you okay?”

He looks at her for a moment, and then nods. “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks, Sana. I just need to have some alone time.”

She nods. “Okay. But I'm here. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

 

+++

 

**Amir**

**_[Today,_ ** _14:23 **]**_

Halla bro

Sana!

How’s my favorite sister doing?

You mean your only little sister?

I’m fine

Yeah? That’s good

Jamilla told me you’re hanging out again

That makes me so happy

My two favorite women :)

:)

It’s been really nice

How’ve you been?

Good, good

Still spending 20 hours a day in a lab

And the other 4 getting coffee for my boss

Ah

I’m loving it, though

That’s good

But I have a favor to ask...

What’s up?

Could you call Elias sometime, just check up on him?

I think Mama and Baba have really been hard on him lately

Hard on him how?

They think he's just goofing off

Isn't he though?

No

He's doing a lot of really great stuff

Focusing on his art, making videos

And maybe we should all actually ask him about it

Instead of just judging!

Whoa, Sana

Okay

I'm on your team! And Elias’s!

Okay?

Okay

Well I'm not the one who needs to hear that

You sound just like Jamilla I swear

I take back what I said

About you two hanging out making me happy

Amir!

Just kidding!

But okay, yeah

Thanks for letting me know, Sana

It's hard to keep up sometimes being so far

And SOME PEOPLE

Only text me every other week

Yeah yeah

I'll be better <3

I love you, kiddo

Love you too

 **_[Today,_ ** _16:02 **]**_

 

Oh!

Also, I'm coming home for Eid

Really?!

Yes

Can't wait to see you <3

Can't wait to see you too

And I’m excited to meet your new boyfriend ;)

I’m gonna murder Jamilla

 

+++

 

Sana laughs, watching Vilde throw popcorn at Chris, who’s trying to catch pieces with her open mouth. Noora smirks at them, an open textbook in her lap. She’s sitting on the back of a bench, and Eva is leaning against her legs, flashcards in her hands.

“I’m wondering how someone could be so evil, to make it a verbal, listening, and writing exam,” Eva groans.

Noora pats her head sympathetically. “Yeah, but don’t worry, you’ll do great.”

“I don’t need to do great, I just need to pass,” Eva says.

“It’s not even - these tests are just about memorization, mostly, like, no one actually learns Spanish from a classroom,” Noora says.

Vilde nods emphatically. “Yeah, with the World Wide Web, you can just make friends in other countries and learn that way, it makes it much easier.”

“Or you could just go to another country,” Noora says wryly.

“Vilde, weren’t you talking about us going to France or something?” Chris asks. “Remember, earlier in the year? We could totally do that, you know. If we went to Spain, maybe Eva would finally learn Spanish.”

Eva mutters under her breath, and Sana smiles. She tilts her head back slightly, enjoying how the weather is warmer than usual. A small, sappy part of her also feels that she just feels warmer because of how happy she is, to just be with her friends. To feel understood and accepted and together, at least with them.

Vilde’s phone goes off, and she unlocks it to check her messages. “Ugh.”

“Hmm?”

Vilde rolls her eyes. “Ingrid tagged me in a photo.”

Chris curses under her breath, almost choking on popcorn. “Desperate.”

Vilde straightens her shoulders and adopts an Oslo accent. “Throwback to hanging with the girls freshman year, hope to party with them again soon! Hashtag once a bus always a bus, hashtag Russ life, hashtag Monday motivation.”

Sana waits for the annoyed nerve to pinch at her, but nothing happens. Maybe she’s growing, becoming a more mature person, she thinks, someone who is above the petty drama of those other girls-

“The other day she cornered me in the cafeteria and told me it’s important to stand together as a bus,” Eva says. “So I just sat down at some random person’s table and told her my stance was clear, didn’t she think?”

Sana snorts back a laugh.

Eva continues. “And then she goes, ‘Hello, we have to talk before you drop out of the bus.’  What is there to talk about? You’re a backstabber and rude as fuck, I don’t want to be friends with you. There’s nothing to talk about! Don’t you agree? People are totally crazy!”

“Yeah, like where was that solidarity when they were doing racist shit and trying to oust the best boss they ever would’ve had?” Noora asks adamantly. “Uh - no offense, Vilde.”

Vilde shrugs. “It’s fine.”

“You’ll always be my favorite boss, Vilde,” Sana says, smiling at her.

Vilde grins back. Her phone goes off again, but this time she doesn’t roll her eyes when she checks it.

“Another notification?” Sana asks.

“Uhm, no, just Mom,” Vilde says quickly.

Eva coughs. “Uhm, so what are we gonna do now?”

Sana asks, “Now that we’re without a bus again? Probably go back to selling toilet paper.”

Chris says slowly, “I know about a cheap van we can-”

“No, to get back at those girls,” Eva says. “We can’t just let them off the hook.”

Vilde nods. “We could tell the school, maybe?”

Noora scrunches her nose. “No, do you think they’ll actually do anything? The administration will probably just say it’s girl drama, or something demeaning, and they won’t get involved.”

“Yeah, the school probably won’t do much,” Chris agrees.

Vilde says, “Yeah, but they were being racist-”

Sana interrupts her. “Wait, what are you guys talking about?”

Four pairs of confused eyes look at her.

“We’re talking about justice,” Noora says.

“Justice?”

“Yeah, Sana,” Chris nods. “Justice.”

Sana feels a smile blossom onto her face as she realizes what they’re all talking about. Her heart swells, just a little bit, at the serious looks on their faces. How angry they are on her behalf, how they love her so much that they want to literally plan something against the Pepsi Max girls for what they did to Sana. She stays quiet for a few moments, thinking about how badly she would love to do something. How it would actually make sense to, because she has the proof. How delicious it would be to retaliate.

After all, she still remembers throwing water on them back in first year fondly.

Except she knows that she can’t. Because she’s honestly just tired of them and so over all of it, and something that she’s been so grateful for over the past week has been not putting energy into those that doesn’t deserve it. She’s been spending more time with herself, her family and her friends and it’s been wonderful. To be around people who love her and to do things that she actually likes. To pray and play basketball and listen to music without the heavy weight of the entire year over her.

It’s been liberating.

“Guys...” Sana starts.

“Ooh, you have a plan already? Let’s hear it!” Chris says eagerly.

Sana laughs. “Yeah. My plan is no plan.”

Noora squints. “No plan?”

“Yeah. We just let them be, smile at them in the hall, and go on our way.”

“Go on our way to come up with a plan to get justice,” Vilde nods.

“Nie, Vilde, go on our way, we do us, they do them,” Sana says.

“And just let them get away with it all?” Eva looks bewildered.

“Why?” Chris asks.

Sana shrugs. “Because, it’s not worth the effort, you kn-”

“Sana! That’s ridiculous though!” Vilde’s eyes bulge.

“Why?”

“Because they’re horrible girls?” Eva says.

“And because you always stick up for us, even when we don’t deserve it. And now that it’s the other way around, we have to get back at them somehow,” Vilde nods.

Sana shakes her head. “I appreciate it, I really do, but no. I mean… You know how it’s Ramadan? I’ve been really going back to the Quran about a lot of things. And there’s one passage, and it goes, ‘Consort with them in kindness; and if you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing wherein Allah has placed much good.’”

“So you're saying… that we should try to see good in them and just let it go?” Noora asks.

Eva furrows her brow; her voice is doubtful. “I guess....”

“Is that really you want?” Noora asks. “To let them just… get off without a lesson?”

“Their bus lost four of the coolest girls in school,” Sana says. “I think that’s a lesson enough.”

Chris squints a little. “I hate when you get all wise on us. It would’ve been much more fun to like, hack Sara’s Facebook account and publish all the fucked up things she’s said online.”

Sana groans. “Remember last time we did something like that, to Jamilla? No.”

“Okay, but these girls would actually deserve it-”

Sana shakes her head, laughing a bit. “No!”

“Okay, if you’re sure,” Noora says.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

Vilde looks like she’s about to argue, but then a grin curls onto her face. “Yeah, yeah, okay.”

Sana purses her lips. “What’s that look? You better not-”

“Oh,” Eva sits up straight, and sighs approvingly. “Oh, that’s good.”

It takes Sana a moment to realize that none of the girls are actually looking at her anymore, but just past her shoulder. She frowns, turning in her seat to try and spot what they’re all staring at with such mischievous expressions. For a moment she has no idea what it is, and then her entire body freezes as she spots Yousef, walking across the yard, a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

Sana feels her lips part as he makes his way over to the bench, a determined set to his shoulders. He looks like a man on a mission, his hair pulled back by a bandana and his eyes locked on hers. For a moment, Sana wonders if he’s walking extremely slowly, or if her mind is just making this whole situation it seem like it’s slow-motion.

“So, we should probably all get going,” Vilde says quickly.

Sana can barely tear her eyes away from Yousef. But when she does, all of her friends are scrambling to pack their bags and textbooks up. Chris has already tripped over the bench, trying to get away.

“What is happening?” Sana asks, narrowing her eyes at all of them.

“It’s just, you know, we suddenly all have things to do right now, at this very minute,” Eva says.

“Did you-”

Noora cuts Sana off before she can finish, a smile on her lips. “We have no idea what you mean.”

“Bye!” Chris says, wiggling her eyebrows.

Before Sana can move, all four of them are clambering off of the bench and practically running past Yousef. Sana closes her eyes briefly, wanting to laugh at how her friends have no chill whatsoever. She thinks she hears Vilde scream, ‘go get her, Yossi!’; she can’t be sure, because just then, Yousef grins at her. Her brain basically short circuits. 

When he’s so close that she can smell his cologne, she jumps off of the bench.

“Halla,” he says.

She wets her lips, wishing she had on lipstick. “Hi.”

He extends the flowers to her with quirked eyebrows. Their fingers brush as she takes them, and she smiles back at him helplessly. She clutches them in her grip, bringing them towards her body. It’s a bouquet of purple and white irises; they smell sweet.

“Can I sit?” he gestures towards the bench.

“Yeah, of course,” Sana says automatically, furrowing her brows at him.  

He moves to sit, and then shoots her a crooked grin. “Care to join me?”

Sana purses her lips to keep from smiling. “I’ll think about it.”

“Ooh, tough girl,” he teases her, spreading out and getting comfortable on the bench.

Sana smiles at him then, moving to sit across from him, back in her original seat. Her heart is pounding, but she’s trying to keep her cool. She’s not sure exactly why he’s here, and it’s making her both nervous and excited. She tries to tell herself to just treat him as any friend, just two buddies hanging out. But there’s an ache inside that wants to push back, that’s telling her that she should throw everything to the wind, that doesn’t it just feel right, that giddy, goofy feeling of being around Yousef?

She clears her throat. “So, who’s watching your kindergarteners now?”

He cocks his head. “Hmm?”

She shrugs. “I don’t see them anywhere, so it doesn’t look like you brought them on this field trip.”

“Wow,” he says softly. “Wow. You know, that hurts, Sana.”

“What?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t remember.”

She furrows her brow. “Eh? Remember what?”

He grins at her. “Mondays are my day off.”

She lifts her head slightly, unable to keep the smile off her face. “Ah.”

“I can’t believe you forgot,” he teases.

“Sorry,” she says. “A lot’s happened since then.”

His eyes grow softer. “Yeah, it has.”

“Yeah.”

“But, you know, there is still a way you can make it up to me,” he says.

She raises one eyebrow, her heart pounding in her ears. “Oh yeah?”

He nods, and then swallows. “Go out with me. On a date. Please?”

She stares at him, lips parted, as she processes what he just said. A warm flush runs up her spine as the words register; she’s surprised and flustered at how bold he’s being; but it’s the sweet and tentative ‘please’ at the end that really gets her. For a moment, all of her reservations go flying out of her mind.

“Yes!”

He grins. “Yes?”

“Yes, I’d love-” she starts to say. “Oh. No.”

Yousef freezes. “No?”

“Uhm - I don’t know.”

She looks at him, studying his face. He looks tense, like he’s already trying to guard himself from the rejection. But he’s not running away and he’s not making excuses. It’s odd to her, to see that. It makes her think about how he’s never seemed to shy away from her, from confrontation; how in so many ways, he is the kindest, most honest, cutest, and funniest guy she knows. It takes this moment of complete openness for her to admit to herself that the girls were completely right. 

She is in love with him. 

The revelation makes her exhale, the joy bubbling into melancholy.

Because this is how she knows that she can’t date him.

If she were to do so, she would commit to him for the rest of her life.

In her own mind, she knows how melodramatic it sounds, but she’s sure of this. As sure as she is that the sky is blue and black is her happy color. The problem - or the good thing, she supposes - is that she also loves herself. She loves herself too much to be with someone who she can’t share everything with wholeheartedly. Because Islam means everything to her; it’s her entire world and her worldview. She wants to be with someone who she can find joy in faith with, who she can raise her future children with, who will help her find peace when she is doubting. And as good and kind as Yousef is, she doesn’t know if he can give that to her when he doesn’t believe in Allah. She doesn’t want to put that pressure on herself, him, or a relationship. It might be fine, for a few months or even a few years. But she knows that it’s something they’ll always come back to, something that will always make everything feel like it’s not quite right.

She loves him now, but love can fade. But it won’t have a chance to if she gets into a relationship with him.

Sana sighs.

“What are you thinking?” he asks quietly, eyes trained on her face.

She clenches her hands in her lap for a moment. She owes it to both of them to be honest.

She takes a deep breath. “I  - I like you, Yousef.”

Well. She doesn’t have to be completely honest. She’s still growing.

“Oh?”

He sounds distracted, at first. But she sees it in his eyes, the moment he comprehends her words. They light up, and a grin stretches across his face. He makes the softest sound, like he’s sure he can trust his own ears. Heat floods her face, watching him look at her like she’s hung the moon and all the stars.

Sana swallows. “Uhm. I like you, a lot. But it would be too hard for me to date you… to date anyone… who doesn’t believe in Allah.”

He looks at her for a moment, his eyebrows twitching. “Okay.”

“Yeah.”

He nods. “So what time should I pick you up on Friday?”

Her nostrils flare. “Yousef!”

“Sana?”

“Did you just hear what I said?”

“Yes,” Yousef starts grinning at her.

“I don’t know if I can date you,” she says bluntly.

He’s giving her that look again, the one that makes her think he’s messing with her. “Why not?”

“You’re not Muslim,” she says bluntly. “You told me you don’t believe in Allah, that you don’t believe in religion.”

He raises his eyebrows, his tone playful. “Oh, did I?”

“Yes!”

“I guess I changed my mind,” he says.

“Eh?” She raises her eyebrows. “You changed your mind? Just like that?”

“Yeah.” his smile is so wide she can see all of his teeth.

“So you’re Muslim?”

He nods, and she just stares at him, eyes narrowed and mouth half-open. She’s never felt more confused or elated in her entire life, but she’s not a hundred percent sure that he’s not just joking around. She’s sure that as goofy as he is, he wouldn’t be, not about something as serious as this. Not about something that he knows is so extremely important to her. He’s still looking at her joyously, like they’re both having a fun, light conversation. But she wants him to be serious again, like he was just a few minutes ago.

“Okay,” she says slowly. “Okay. How can you be entirely sure that you do believe? How do you know Allah exists?”

He squints at her. “Well, I don’t know for sure. But should I tell you something awesome?”

She just stares at him.

He continues anyway. “Did you know that inside the heads of cockroaches, there are nine different amino acids, that are stronger than the medicine we have today?”

She purses her lips to keep from laughing at him. “Amino acids?”

He frowns slightly. “Yes? Isn’t that what the fuck it’s called? Amino acids?”

She shakes her head no. “Antibiotic molecules.”

“Wow.” He mock glares at her. “Wow, really? I’m trying to explain religion to you and you’re spending your time dissing me?”

Sana can’t do anything but laugh at him, at the absurdity and odd sweetness of this conversation. It’s completely gotten away from her.

“Anyway,” he says, “You got my point. Do you believe all this is random? Yes or no?”

“No.”

“Exactly,” he tilts his head back slightly, his tone growing softer. “And I don’t believe it’s random, either. I… have been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of praying, actually, the past few weeks, about a lot of different things…”

Sana’s heart is caught in her throat. “Yeah?”

He smiles. “And what I’ve discovered is that I never really stopped believing, you know? It was… I was so angry and I was scared, after everything that happened last year. I’m not blaming Even, not at all… I just lost sight of the fact that Allah isn’t what other people say, but a comfort and guidance for what I know. And that when people use religion to divide or discriminate, that’s… I think even without religion people would do that.”

“Wow,” she says.

“Yeah. I tried to tell you this the other day, when we were playing basketball? But I’ve been going to the mosque. Even actually has gone with me, too.”

Sana’s mind flashes back to the swings, just a few days ago, when Even was cut off in the middle of his sentence  - _We’ve been talking about Islam a lot, you know? About how we both sort of… blamed religion for a lot of things. What the point of faith is, and how important it can be. And you know - actually for a couple of Fridays now - we’ve actually gone to the mo-_

“It’s been very healing, rediscovering Islam again. I still think it - religion - can cause anxiety in people. But faith… I don’t know. That’s brought me compassion, love,” he pauses. “All the good things.”

Sana’s sure that she looks silly by how widely she’s beaming at him, but she can’t really bring herself to care.

“I’m really happy for you, Yousef,” she finally says. “That you’re finding Allah again, and talking to Even about it.”

“Yeah.” He grins. “You helped so much too, Sana. And I really appreciate that. The way you talk about Islam, how strong your faith is… it’s really beautiful.”

Sana blushes. His face suddenly morphs into embarrassment.

“Not that I did all of this just to date you!” Yousef says. “I just - I want you to know how much I really hear what you say to me. And that it really helped to get me thinking.”

“No, I know,” she says.

“Good,” he smiles bashfully, and then it turns sharp. “Though, you did just admit that you really like me-”

“I didn’t say ‘really,’” Sana grins back at him.

“It was implied,” he says. “So I think you might have gone on a date with me anyway.”

She says truthfully, “maybe. You know, with the right person....”

His eyes burn as he looks at her, and it makes her heart flip. He looks like he’s wants to lean in and kiss her. And there’s a part of her that desperately wants that as well; but there’s another part of her that really, really wants to tease him.

“I mean, you know, if it felt right, I could see myself dating a non-religious man,” she says.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she says, keeping her face straight. “He’d have to really be something special.”

“Have anyone in mind?” he grins at her.

“Stephen Curry.”

He laughs, and it fills up her heart. “Wow. Big man, big man.”

They smile at each other goofily for a moment, Yousef’s eyes dark and tender. She almost wants to ask him to pinch her, to make sure this - the past week, actually - isn’t really just something she’s dreamed up. Everything feels like it’s finally, finally settling into place. And she knows that doesn’t mean that everything is going to be perfect, or easy, or even happy. But it makes everything dark and angry feel so much more manageable.

She sighs, thinking about how much easier it all is, when she’s honest with herself and open with others.

“Uhm, Yousef?” Sana hedges slightly, wrinkling her nose, “There’s something else. I think I need to apologize for how I treated you before. You know, when we were playing basketball, and in the kitchen...”

“It’s okay,” he says automatically. “I know you were really stressed out-”

She interrupts him. “Yeah, but it wasn’t just about the mock exam. I was going through some other stuff with some girls in my class. And I was also angry at you.”

He frowns. “At me?”

“I… kind of thought you had done a bunch of stuff at SYNG...” she grimaces. “Uhm. Like sending me to break up the fight between the boys… and then… abandoning them to go make out with Noora.”

He stares at her for a long stretch, his eyebrows almost to his hairline. “You… what.”

Sana shrugs awkwardly. “Uhm. It was just, after I got outside, everyone was already fighting. It was a huge blur. And then when I came back in, someone told me you were kissing Noora. But it all turned out to be a misunderstanding.”

“Huh.”

“I should’ve… asked you out right, but I wasn’t in a great place,” she admits. “There was a lot happening and I just… spiraled a bit. And I know now that you didn’t do either of those things. But when I thought you had…”

He tilts his head down, staring at her with serious eyes. “Sana, I would never put you in danger. Never. I promise, I didn’t know-”

“I know,” she says.

“And I definitely didn’t kiss Noora,” he says.

“She told me,” Sana answers dryly. “Actually, she laughed at me.”

“I would laugh too, except…”

She swallows. “Except?”

“It hurts that you think I would do that,” he says. “That I would be that kind of guy. To just… not care enough about my friends. Including you.”

“I know,” Sana says. “And I understand if you… need some time or something.”

“Time?”

She doesn't want to say it out loud. “You know. In case it makes you change your mind about asking me out.”

He makes a small, distressed noise. For a moment, she's worried that he hasn't actually been thinking about that at all, but now that she's brought it up…

She tries to breathe, tries to get herself not to spiral. But then he's grinning, and her anxiety ebbs. She smiles tentatively back at him.

“Sana, of course I’m not gonna change my mind,” he says. “Though...”

“Though?”

“I think it’ll only be fair for you to pick me up, Friday,” he says. “And you should probably bring flowers or chocolate. We can eat them for iftar.”

Sana laughs in his face, her own fingers tightening slightly around the irises in her grip.

“What? So first, you besmirch my character, then you diss me, now you laugh at me?” Yousef huffs. “Wow. You know, I like flowers, too.”

She nods, trying to contain her smile. “Okay, okay. Note taken.”

“So when should I be ready on Friday?” he asks.

She winces slightly. “Actually... ”

“Hmm?”

“Friday’s Eva’s birthday party. Her eighteenth,” Sana says. “You and the guys are all invited. Didn't Elias tell you? I was going to send out a reminder text today.”

“Okay...”

“I have to be there early to help set up and stay let for clean up. The girls are all staying over,” Sana says, sighing. “So, I don’t think this weekend is going to work. But maybe early next week?”

He beams at her. “Just let me know, Sana. It’ll be a date.”

She grins back at him goofily.

 

+++

 

**Jamilla Bikarim**

**_[Today_ ** _17:11 **]**_

BeyonceHalo.mp3

What is this?????

The song I’m gonna be blasting around Yousef from now on

TELL. ME. EVERYTHING.

Long story short

He surprised me at school with flowers and we talked

Actually talked about everything

And it turns out…

IT TURNS OUT?

You were right about him being Muslim

He’s been praying and going to mosque and talking to the imam

He found his faith again

I LITERALLY JUST YELLED

I KNEW IT

When’s the wedding?

We have to go on our first date first, you know that right?

Whatever

Tell Chris she owes me 50k btw

                                                                                  What????

I totally knew he would bring flowers

You knew about this????

Wait

You and the girls plotted?

Did I say that? ;)

This is horrifying

Is it, though?

Yeah

I’m never going to have any peace

You and the girls

Isak and Elias and the guys

What happened to my plan to have all my separate circles remain separate?

Sorry sis

Guess you’re stuck with all of us now ;)

<3

 

+++

 

Sana squares her shoulders and knocks on Elias’s door. She can hear Tupac playing softly inside his room. He calls that the door is open, and she steps inside. He's sitting at his desk, a pair of headphones half off his head. He has a few windows open on his laptop, and at first Sana’s not sure what he's looking at; some kind of sound editing system, she thinks.

“Halla,” she says, stepping into the room.

He swivels in his chair, grinning as soon as he sees her. “Hey sis. Or, should I be calling you Mrs. Acar?”

“Elias!”

“No, you're right, he'd definitely take your last name,” Elias winks at her.

She has to bite down on her lips in order to keep from smiling back at him. It's so fucking silly but it makes her light up, butterflies and fuzzy feelings inside of her heart.

“What? It's my right as your brother to-”

The fuzzy feeling vanishes.

She lifts her hand up. “Ugh, Elias, please.”

He shrugs at her, grinning devilishly. “What? I'm just happy for you.”

“I can't believe you,” she shakes her head.

He shrugs.

She pauses for a moment. “Did you know that Yousef is Muslim again? And that he and Even have been going to mosque together?”

He nods slowly. “Yousef invited me along to go Thursday. I think I'm gonna go.”

Sana beams at him. “Really?”

He nods slowly. “Yeah. I mean, if me and the guys are all gonna be hanging it with Even at Eva's party anyway, maybe…”

“I think it's a great idea, Elias,” Sana says.

“Yeah. We’ll see.”

He shifts slightly, like he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, so Sana doesn't push him. She just leans in the doorway, considering her words.

“Why didn't you tell me that Yousef liked me? Or that he's Muslim?”

Elias furrows his brows. “What do you mean? I did tell you.”

“No you didn't.”

“Yeah, I did. Remember? You said he doesn't believe in Allah, and I told you that he's the most Muslim guy I know.”

She rolls her eyes. “That's not-”

“My point still stands, Sana. No matter what he was saying, he still believed. And more importantly, he lived like he believed.”

“Yeah,” Sana says quietly. “Yeah, okay.”

“But let me tell you, he's been a hardass lately with the fasting. He doesn't even let me get away with a mid-afternoon snack,” Elias grins.

Sana laughs, and tilts her head. “Speaking of Ramadan…”

“Yeah?”

“I had an idea,” she says slowly, “a way to show Mama and Baba what you've been doing.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Eh?”

“What if we throw a party for Eid?” She says, “And have a screening for one of the films you've made?”

He stares at her, eyebrows raised. She's worried that she's overstepped, but she just clears her throat and pushes on.

“It's perfect. Because we can invite all our friends and the family will be there, even Amir is coming home. It will be a great chance to have everyone together and see how serious your work is and how committed you are to your art. And I'll be there, all the guys, to help guide a conversation or something. What do you think?”

He nods slowly. “Hmm.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I think so.”

She nods. “Cool.”

He looks at her for another long moment. “You know, Amir called me last night. We had a pretty intense conversation.”

“Oh?” She tries to seem nonchalant.

“Yeah.” The corner of his mouth tilts up. “Thanks, Sana.”

 

+++

 

“Okay, so that just leaves us with food,” Vilde says, typing quickly on Sana’s laptop. “Noora, you said you're picking up all the meat and the condiments, right? Sana, you're on disposable plates, cutlery, and cups, I’m getting dessert, and Chris is on side dishes.”

Sana leans over Vilde’s shoulder to look at the group Google Doc planning Eva’s birthday party. She's not sure why she's impressed; she's always known that Vilde is the most organized out of all of them, including herself. But the document is so meticulously done that it really is like a work of art.

Noora sits cross-legged on the floor, a cup of tea in her hands. Eva is on Vilde’s other side, hanging upside down on the couch, the end of her hair sweeping the floor. Chris is near Noora, lying on her stomach, arms and head propped up by a decorative pillow. It should feel surreal, having them all in her living room; instead it just makes her feel content.

“Sounds good,” Noora says.

“And we all know the amounts, yeah?” Chris says.

“Mmm, yeah, that reminds me, do we know who’s attending yet? For sure?” Eva asks.

Vilde hums, and scrolls down the Doc. “So far we have Adam, Chris, Elias, Eskild, Even, Isak, Jonas, Mahdi, Magnus, Mik-”

Chris sits up. “Wait, Magnus is coming?”

Vilde coughs. “Yes.”

Sana furrows her eyebrows and turns her whole body toward Vilde. “Wait, what was that?”

Eva lifts her head up. “Yeah, Vilde, did something happen, or…?”

Vilde shifts. “Yeah, last night. I told Magnus I wanted a break.”

The room goes still for a moment. Sana catches Noora’s eye. Noora’s mouth twitches almost imperceptibly. Sana tilts her head towards Vilde.

“I can see you two, trying to silently fight over who will say something first,” Vilde says.

Noora clears her throat. “Sorry, Vilde.”

“So you guys are broken up?” Sana asks, bumping her shoulder gently into Vilde’s. “Are you okay?”

“Were not broken up, it's just a break,” Vilde says.

“Okay,” Eva says slowly, “and what's the difference?”

Vilde shrugs. “You know. A break has a clearly defined ending and boundaries around what is and isn't okay to do. It's a trial separation. A break up is an end. _Cosmo_ says breaks are healthy for the modern relationship.”

“Okay,” Sana says. “Well. Good for you, Vilde.”

“Yeah,” Noora says. “How did Magnus take it?”

Vilde says, “he said he understood and that he supports me emotionally and will be there if I need anything.”

“Surprisingly mature,” Eva says.

“Then he asked if he could have one last blow job,” Vilde says.

Noora sighs. “There it is.”

“I didn't mind, cause I barely have to do any work, it's just licking and sucking and some hand action and I can think about anything I want, like what kind of lights to buy for the backyard-”

“I think we get it,” Sana says, patting Vilde’s shoulder.

Her phone buzzes, and she reaches for it, sitting on the arm of the sofa. When she reads whom it’s from, she frowns. It’s a message from Ingrid - _Sana, I am so sorry if you think that me or the other girls ever did anything intentionally malicious against you. I promise that was not the case, and I’m sure this is all just a big misunderstanding. Can I call you sometime soon so we can get everything sorted out? Xx_

Sana furrows her brows, barely listening to the conversation between the girls. Noora is asking Vilde about the specifics of her break with Magnus, and Chris is cutting in to tell her she should be hooking up with other people maybe. But Sana just stares down at her phone in her hand, utterly and completely confused. A few moments later, another text comes in, this time from Laila - _Hey Sana, I know things have been really intense recently, and I totally understand why you wanted to drop out of the bus. I’m here if you ever want to talk and maybe we can get coffee sometime._ Sana’s brain blanks for a moment, and she can’t articulate words for a moment.

What exactly is happening?

“-Did say that if I wanted to kiss another girl it wasn’t cheating, and that just felt wrong, you know?” Vilde says. “I told him, 'why wouldn't it be? Do you think being a lesbian isn’t serious?' I don’t know, I felt really offended.”

“Are you thinking about kissing other girls?” Noora asks carefully.

“You know what? I think I am,” Vilde says.

“That’s great!” Chris is grinning warmly.

“Sana, what do you think?”

Sana looks up from her phone, shaking her head slightly. “Hmm? What?”

Noora tilts her head. “Vilde thinks she might want to kiss a girl.”

A slow, surprised smile spreads across Sana’s face. She looks over at Vilde, who has a slightly pouty, serious look to her. Sana squeezes her leg encouragingly. She locks her phone, deciding to just ignore the messages until later.

“Do you have someone special in mind, Vilde?” She asks.

“I always thought Linn was kind of cute,” Vilde says. “And we talked a bit, you know, when I invited her to Eva’s.”

Eva asks, “And Linn’s a lesbian, isn’t she?”

Noora nods. “Everyone in the Kollektiv is gay.”

She says it so casually that Sana thinks she’s misheard at first. But then she narrows her eyes slightly, and sees Noora has titled her head bag, giving her a faux-innocent look. A grin stretches across Sana’s face, and Noora smiles back at her, white teeth flashing against her bright red lipstick.

“- So maybe, I don’t know, we’ll see. But it might be a little awkward with her and Magnus at Eva’s party. I don’t want to start any drama,” Vilde is still talking.

Eva snorts. “Yeah, don’t worry, I’m sure if anyone starts drama it’ll be Isak. I still can’t fucking believe he punched Mikael. Boys are so dumb.”

“You think he’ll start anything?” Vilde asks.

Sana tears her gaze from Noora. “Nah, I think everything will be cool.”

“Yeah, didn’t you see the other day that he, Elias and Mikael started a huge thread about some video game on Mutta’s wall?” Chris says.

“Oohhhhh,” Eva sings, grinning at Chris.

Chris just winks at her.

“Yeah, and anyway, Even and Yousef have been hanging out a lot too, I think at their place,” Sana says.

“Oh, Yousef and Even, huh?” Noora grins. “When are you all gonna start going on double dates?”

Sana points at her. “The teasing ends here.”

“Awhhh, why not? You don’t want us making fun of you and the love of your life?” Eva laughs.

Sana tries to glare at them, but can’t. “I still don’t know if I’ve forgiven you all for plotting behind my back-”

“Awh, come on, it was a great surprise,” Chris says. “And that Yousef got some smooth moves.”

Sana rolls her eyes, and her phone goes off again. This time, it’s a message from Sara. _I know the two of us haven’t always seen eye to eye, but please, let’s meet up and talk about all of this. If you think about it, you were on the one who left the bus without discussing any of the issues you had first. I think it’s only right that we all meet to try and work things out, instead of going to extremes. Let’s set up a time to meet and try to work out our differences. Will you be in school tomorrow?_

“Popular girl,” Chris says. “Who are you texting? All your best friends are in this room.”

Noora snorts. “Please! Sana’s the most popular out of all of us. Who knew when we met that she’d be the social butterfly?”

Vilde grins and leans her head on Sana’s shoulder. “Is it Yossi?”

“Uhm, no,” Sana frowns, and then passes Vilde her phone. “I keep getting these weird texts from the Pepsi Max squad.”

The girls all go silent, and Sana’s hackles rise. She pulls away from Vilde, crossing her arms over her chest. She narrows her eyes at her friends, who are all way too quiet and almost motionless. Vilde has her eyebrows raised and is looking at her phone, but clearly not reading any of the messages. Eva is slowly moving her head side to side, her hair sliding across the floor. Chris is looking at her nails as if they are the most fascinating things on the planet. Noora takes an excruciatingly slow sip of tea, eyes on the spot above Sana’s head.

It’s not a question when Sana says, “What did you do.”

Vilde gives her the most awkward smile Sana has ever seen in her life. “What do you mean?”

“You’re all the worst liars in Norway!” Sana says. “Did you do something to those girls? Even though I asked you-”

“Ugh! Yes, okay, we did,” Noora bursts out. “But only because it was the right thing to do!”

Sana’s torn between laughing and yelling. “What did you do!”

“It wasn’t anything illegal or anything,” Chris says quickly.

Eva moves around to sit up, almost kicking Vilde in the face as she does. “Yeah, and you know what, yes, we did it for you. But no one can blame you for it, because you had no idea, it was all out of your hands. We were the ones who did it.”

“We respected what you said, but we couldn’t just let them get away with what they did,” Vilde nods gravely. “They disrespected you, they stole our bus, and they’ve just been rotten bitches since all of us have known them!”

She knows it’s wrong, but Sana feels herself sparking to life. She wants to laugh at the intense looks on her friends’ faces, the determination and love that they have for her. She wants to bottle this feeling up, of being totally supported, to save and savor for the days when she’s feeling like she worthless.

“I’m not mad, I promise,” she says. “But will one of you just tell me what you did.”

Noora pulls out her phone and begins to scroll through it. “It’s a kind of a long story, so let me get some help telling it.”

“Eh?” Sana asks, confused.

Noora gets up on the couch, squeezing between Sana and Vilde. She puts her phone up, like she’s about to take a selfie. At first, all Sana sees is her reflection next to Noora’s, but then she catches that Noora is trying to Facetime Mari Espeflaten.

“I don’t know if you saw this, but Mari and I caught up a bit at SYNG, and then we made a date to grab coffee,” Noora says.

Sana frowns. “Okay...”

“Hi girl!” Mari’s voice comes through the phone. “And Sana, too! Hi!”

Then her image pops up; her hair is up in a ponytail, and it looks like she’s sweating and wearing a sports bra and nothing else. There’s low pop music in the background, coming through in patches.

“Hi, Mari!” Noora says, waving at the screen.

“Everything okay?” Mari asks. “I emailed the Pepsi Max girls today, they’re not harassing you, are they?”

“No,” Noora says. “Uhm, not exactly.”

“Do you want me to-”

“No, that’s okay. I was just wondering if you could talk to Sana for a bit, explain what happened?” Noora smiles.

“Ah, no problem. Sana, let me be the first to apologize,” Mari says.

“It’s okay?” Sana says slowly.

“The past few weeks, when I was meeting with Sara and we signed the contract, she would just tell me that you were unable to attend in person. She even gave me an email address that I thought was yours,” Mari says. “I found out from Noora a few days ago that it wasn’t, but whatever.”

“Okay...”

“Yeah, so then after we signed the contract and my girls and I got paid, I assumed it was all good. But then Noora and I met up, and she told me about all the horrible things those girls did. I’m so sorry! I never would have signed the contract with Sara if I knew how racist and conniving they were being.”

Mari’s ponytail is swishing slightly, and Sana wonders if she’s on a treadmill. But otherwise, she has no words.

“Yeah, so anyway, I talked to the other girls, and we all agreed. We wanted you girls, actual cool girls, to have our bus, not girls like that who are just gonna stomp all over everyone. So we took our bus back.”

Sana’s not sure she’s heard correctly. “You took your bus back?”

“Yeah. The great thing about the contract is we had this clause written in, where there was a 90 day trial period, sort of, where the girls and I had the right to rescind the ownership transfer, if we were unsatisfied with how the bus was being used. It was pretty vague so that could’ve meant anything from we didn’t like the new color it was painted to we didn’t like anyone being so fucking rude.”

“I see,” Sana says faintly.

“Yeah, it’s pretty brilliant, especially because the contract also stipulated that if we did that, we also only had to give back 250,000k. So not only do those girls not get our bus, they’re out thousands of kroners too!”

“Uh.”

“My girlfriend’s father is a lawyer and he’s the one who drew up the contract for us, everything in it was airtight and it’s pretty brilliant, I think. So yeah, that’s what happened!”

Sana is speechless.

Noora grins at the screen. “Thanks again, Mari!”

“No problem girls! It’s such a good bus; someone cool is bound to buy it for full price. You five sure you don’t want it?”

“Uhm, no we’re okay, but you’re the best,” Noora says.

“Awh, you’re so sweet. Okay, I better get back to my workout, but we’ll get coffee soon.”

“Bye Mari!” Noora says.

Mari waves, and then the connection drops. Noora puts her hand in her lap, and then tilts her head down slightly to look at Sana with a small smile on her lips. Sana’s eyes skip from hers to Vilde’s to Eva’s to Chris’s. They’re all staring at her with tentative smiles. Vilde’s tongue dips out and wets her lips. Too many emotions are welling up in Sana, but in a good way. It’s nothing like the crashing waves of negativity that she’s felt the past weeks. In facts, it’s disbelief and a whole lot of love.

“Fuck,” is all she can say, grinning at her friends.

“Yes!” Vilde pumps her hands.

 

+++

 

Sana’s mother won't stop beaming at her from across the dinner table. Part of Sana is embarrassed, but the bigger part of her just smiles back at her mother. Most of her, though, is ravenous and dehydrated; she tries not to choke as she chugs her glass of water. Breaking her fast is always a little hazardous.

She's sitting between Elias and Vilde, with Chris, Noora, and Eva across from them. Her parents are at either head of the table, eagerly asking her friends about school and their hobbies. It's surreal, to be surrounded by her girls and her family instead of just the balloon squad being in her house. It's also weird to see her friends and parents laughing and talking. She realizes that out of her squad, she's the only one who has parents who aren't absent most of the time. Her heart swells, as a gush of affection for her mother and father runs through her. Because no matter how busy they are, they're always there for her. Making sure the family eats at least one meal a day together, texting her inspirational messages and photos, reminding her how much they love her. She knows how blessed she is.

“- Always been really interested in it, in the idea of meeting new people, hearing new perspectives, and connecting those narratives to people who might never have learned about different parts of the world,” Noora is saying. “I've been trying to get a summer internship with this photojournalist, but she wants someone with video experience and I'm just a writer.”

“That's a shame,” Baba says. “And you don't know anyone who can connect you with a video expert?”

A thought, small but powerful forms in Sana’s head. She grins, suddenly, and cuts in before Noora can answer her father.

Sana says, “Wait, Noora, why don't you work with Elias?”

Elias chokes on the rice he's just spooned into his mouth. Sana tries not to snicker.

“What?” He croaks.

“That's a great idea!” Baba says. “Elias, isn't video your specialty? You can show Noora some tricks to boost her resume.”

“Yes, Noora you can put something like, ‘videographer’s apprentice!’” Mama adds.

Sana tries not to laugh at the surprised look on Elias’s face.

“What? Everyone smudges the truth a bit on their resume,” Mama waves her hand.

“That'd be awesome! Only if you don't mind, Elias,” Noora says.

He smiles, trying to sound cool. “No, that would be chill. Let's set something up.”

Mama claps her hands together. “Wonderful.”

“And you, Eva?” Baba asks. “Do you know what you want to do after school?”

Eva shrugs; there's a smudge of sauce on her chin. “Uhm, not really.”

“Well, of course that's okay,” Mama says. “You know, I didn't know I wanted to get into nursing until I was out of school for a few years. When I started my program, I was the oldest one there!”

“And blew all those young people out the water,” Baba says proudly. “She was at the top of the program-”

“Oh, hush,” Mama says, smiling lovingly.

“Your parents are so cute,” Vilde whispers.

“So yes, you have time,” Baba says.

Eva says. “I guess. It's also difficult, since my mom’s away so much for work, I don't really have her to bounce ideas off of.”

Mama says, “Well, you can certainly come here whenever you want!”

“Even when Sana is not here,” Baba adds.

Sana snorts. “Yeah, Elias’s friends are here all the time, regardless of whether anyone is home.”

Elias snickers. “This one time, we went to visit our older brother, Amir, for the weekend, remember Sana? When we came back, Adam was in my bed, sick as a dog. He had the flu or something-”

“And Mama made him stay here,” Sana laughs.

“I had to sleep on the couch for a week,” Elias says.

Chris snorts; Vilde tries to hide her giggles behind her hand.

“His father was out of town for a conference! I wasn't about to let him be sick and home alone,” Mama says.

“We have hospitality here,” Baba reminds them.

“Thank you for inviting us over,” Vilde says quietly. “I love it here.”

Sana smiles at her. “Come over any time.”

 

+++

 

**Chris Berg**

**_[Today_ ** _20:32 **]**_

 

I forgot to show you!

We thought we’d all chip in for this for Eva’s birthday

ChampagneLitre.jpeg

LOL

Looks perfect 

Isn’t it cool?

It’s six liters

I’ll bring the money tomorrow

Vilde says bottles that big are called methuselahs

Haha

What?

Methuselah is a figure in Islam

Kind of like an ancient prophet

No shit?

He’s in the Bible too

Well that does tend to happen

He lived to be like 1000 or something

Could you imagine being that old?

Do you think he could still get it up at that age?

.........…

Yeah you’re right

Probably not

 

+++

 

Sana shifts through the books in her locker, trying to find her Norwegian textbook. She’s pretty sure she left it at the bottom of the pile. As she looks, a couple of voices nearby catch her attention.

“They’ve used 300,000 on a bus and now they’ve split up,” a hushed voice says.

“Do you know why? If I spent that much on a bus and then it all fell through, I would fucking die!” another voice jumps in.

“I got on Facebook to see if anyone posted about it, but it’s just a bunch of shit about how friendship and integrity is the most important thing.”

Sana turns, frowning, trying to get a glimpse of the two girls talking. Instead, she almost bumps into Isak, who is standing way too close with an intense grimace on his face. She flinches back, heart racing; he laughs at her, hand on his chest. Eva stands a few feet away, face scrunched in laughter. Sana takes a steadying breath and then rolls her eyes at the two of them.

“Hah! Scared you good, huh?” Isak leans against the lockers near hers.

“Very mature,” Sana says.

“You should’ve seen your face!” Eva grins.

“Aren’t you both turning eighteen soon?” Sana smirks. “Shouldn’t you be over silly pranks like this?”

“Yeah, you’re right of course,” Eva says. “Time to move onto more mature pranks.”

Sana groans. “Ugh.”

She turns back to her locker, finally finding her Norwegian textbook and slamming the door shut.

“You ready for the weekend?” Isak asks. “The party is gonna be great.”

“Yah, I’m excited,” Sana says, smiling.

Isak wiggles his eyebrows. “I heard Yousef is heartbroken that you’re not bringing him as your date?”

Sana groans again, and tries to brush past Isak and Eva. They both giggle behind her.

“Awh, come on, Sana,” Eva says, catching up to her easily.

“That’s not even what happened!” Sana snaps, and then pauses. “Wait. Eva, you told him about what happened?”

Eva looks offended. “No! I don’t spread my friends’ business. Even to my other friends.”

“So who told you?” Sana asks Isak.

“Who didn’t tell me, is the right question,” Isak winks.

“Eh?”

Isak starts ticking off his fingers. “Yousef told Even who obviously told me. Elias and I have been sending memes to each other all week. And Vilde mentioned it to me in the hallway today.”

Sana deadpans, “I hate all of you.”

“Love is supposed to make you less grumpy,” Isak says.

Eva rolls her eyes. “You’re a mess.”

Sana laughs at Isak’s affronted face.

“You know, Eva-”

Eva cuts him off. “Oh, Sana, you’re meeting us at four today, right? Near the front entrance?”

“Eh?”

“We’re all meeting after school today. Last minute party stuff?”

Sana moves the books around in her arms, trying to reach her phone in her pocket. “Did I miss a text or something?”

“Uhm, no, I think Vilde just mentioned it by ear,” Eva says, licking her lips. “Did you see her today?”

Sana shakes her head no. “But I thought we got everything done at my house?”

Eva shrugs casually. “You know she’s a perfectionist.”

Sana smiles. “Yeah, uhm, okay, I’ll be there.”

Eva grins. “Cool. Don’t be late.”

 

+++

 

Sana looks down at her phone, frowning. It’s already fifteen past four, and she hasn’t heard from any of the girls yet. She shifts her weight in her seat, settling into the bench near the main entrance. She sends a quick text to the group chat asking where everyone is, and if they’re all still meeting. No one responds.

“Sana?”

She looks up, and about ten of the Pepsi Max girls are staring back at her. All of them but Sara have on leather jackets, their long, straight and wavy hair loose and over their shoulders. For a moment, Sana is brought back to the very first bus meeting at her house; where all of these girls were wearing white, as if they coordinated together just to appear more pure, more Norwegian, and more cohesive, as some kind of defense before entering a brown, Muslim home.

“Hi?” Sana says.

They all sit down around her. Ellinor places a mostly finished bottle of Pepsi Max down on the table, and Sana just looks at it. She feels laughter bubbling up inside of her, though she knows it would be inappropriate. She takes a breath instead, and looks down to check her phone. Still no response from the girls.

“We were wondering if we could talk to you,” Sara says, folding her hands into her lap.

Sana doesn’t respond for a few awkward minutes.

She knows what this is about, of course. She’s been ignoring text messages from this squad all week, ever since Noora had Facetimed Mari. It was surprisingly easy to avoid them in school as well. She kept her head focused on school and on seeking out the people who actually brought joy to her life. It had been too easy, she thinks now; maybe she should have seen this coming, then.

She had meant what she said, about letting these girls do them, about just smiling and going about her own life. Because she doesn’t want to put any more energy into them. She doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life constantly keeping her defenses up, constantly confused over which thoughts are her own and which ones are the whispered insults, the racist accusations, the hate-filled slurs of other people. Because she knows that she’s always going to have to deal with being the Other. But that doesn’t mean she has to intentionally put herself in harm’s way. That doesn’t mean she has to offer herself up to be dissected.

She can choose who to educate and learn with; she can choose who to love and be loved by. Yes, she knows it’s going to be difficult. Her friends are doing much better than they had ever been, but she knows that they’re not going to unlearn all the harmful things they’ve said or believed overnight. And of course, the self-doubt, the anger and the feelings of worthlessness are going to come back. She knows. But now, she can plan, she can be ready, she can rely on the people who are offering her support.

As far as she’s concerned, the girls in front of her are not those people. She doesn’t have to entertain them.

“No,” she says finally.

Sara blinks, surprised. “No?”

“You asked if we could talk,” Sana says. “And I’m saying no. I don’t have anything to say.”

“Well, I think a few of us have some things that we want to say to you,” Sara says.

Sana shrugs. “Why?”

Maud raises her eyebrows. “Why?”

Sana nods. “Yeah. I don’t know what you all could have to say to me-”

“We just think that there were some misunderstandings,” Sara interrupts her. “About.... Some things that were said that might have been misconstrued. Like, our intentions surrounding the bus, and what have you.”

Sana rolls her eyes. “I think that your intentions and your words speak for themselves. And now you have to live with the consequences of that.”

Sara and Ingrid exchange a glance. Sana looks back at her phone. 

“Don’t you think that what you did was… just as bad though?” Ingrid asks. “Your reaction was extreme.”

Sana tilts her head. “My reaction?”

“Taking our bus away,” Ingrid says bluntly.

“I didn’t take away your bus,” Sana says. “In fact, I didn’t do anything.”

“Yeah, but obviously, if your friends hadn’t told Mari-” Catherine jumps in.

“Look, there’s no point arguing about who said what, who told who,” Sara says, shaking her head. “That’s all a bit meaningless right now. But the main thing is that we’re all sorry if you were offended.”

Sana waits for the anger to fill her up, but nothing but a tired amusement settles around her stomach.

She sighs, “Okay, thanks.”

“Okay,” Ingrid says slowly. “So… are you going to tell Mari?”

Sana blinks. “Tell Mari what?”

“That we apologized, that everything’s good,” Sara says.

“Why would I?”

“So we can get our bus back,” Maud blurts out.

“Look,” Sara interjects. “We’re just saying, we’re out of a bus and a lot of money. We all did bad things here, but we apologized, right ladies? We did the right thing. So I think it’s time for you to do the right thing too.”

“And isn’t it like, the holiday of forgiveness in Islam right now?” Ingrid adds. “So.”

Sana is speechless; suddenly, she can feel the anger burning up, even as she tries to breathe through it.

Sara passes her hand over her hair, smoothing it down. “Besides, we would hate to have to go to the school administration about this...”

Sana’s sure that she’s heard wrong. “Go to the school administration?”

Sara and Ingrid look at one another again.

“Bullying is a serious issue that I’m sure they’d want to know about,” Ingrid says.

Sara adds, “Especially from someone with a history of violence.”

A low buzzing runs through Sana, and she stares, her mouth half open. Her eyes jump from Sara to Ingrid to the rest of the girls. Some of them are looking just past her, like they can’t stare at her directly. A few have their eyes cast low, on the wooden table in front of them or on their phones. Ingrid has one delicate eyebrow slightly raised as she stares back at Sana. Sara just looks kind of bored, her shoulders hunched forward slightly. Sigrid coughs into her fist.

“What the fuck did you just say?”

The Pepsi Max girls all jump, guilt etched into their faces. Sana startles, turning towards the direction of the voice. Isak, Jonas and Mahdi are standing a few feet away from the group, bodies tense. Jonas’s eyebrows are raised and Mahdi has a tight grip on his backpack. Isak’s face is flushed; he takes a half step forward, his eyes burning.

“What did you just say to Sana?” Isak asks again voice growing louder.

Ingrid clears her throat. “I just said that, you know, bullying shouldn’t be taken lightly, and-”

“No, it fucking shouldn’t,” Isak says, “so why don’t I just go tell the school now about all of you cornering Sana and saying racist shit?”

“That’s exactly what it looks like to me,” Jonas nods.

Sara’s spine straightens. “That’s - we are not raci-”

“Wait, was that a homophobic slur too?” Isak asks, glaring.

Sana dips out her tongue. She blinks up at Isak, still shocked. Everyone is moving and speaking all at once. Some of the Pepsi Max girls begin to shift uncomfortably, getting up from their seats. Sara is speaking quickly, backtracking probably. But all Sana can focus on is Isak, who has turned to her with a small smile on his face.

“Isak-”

Before she can get another word out, she vaguely hears someone calling her name, and then there’s faint music coming from behind her. Sana’s heart skips over a few beats and she turns, adrenaline running through her body. Her eyes are unfocused for a moment, and then she sees it. The ugliest red van she has ever laid eyes on, _Los Losers_ written on the side in white tape. The music grows louder, drowning out the sounds of Sara and Ingrid trying to argue with Isak - _I hope you have room, I hope you have room._

Sana gets up, ignoring everything behind her, walking towards the street and the red van that’s slowing down. Vilde is half hanging out of the front seat, her torso twisted out of the window. Noora and Eva are in the back, waving and screeching at her, their bodies bumping up against one another. Sana can even see Chris, trying to scream Sana’s name and drive at the same time, pressing down on the horn.

The van rolls to a stop, and everyone behind her is quiet. Sana just stares, a huge smile breaking out onto her face. Her girls begin hooting and calling her name, waving their arms at her. She can feel the beat of the music thrumming through her blood and pounding on her bones - _catch me when I fall or lose myself._

She glances back at Isak and the guys, who are all cheering as well. Jonas and Mahdi are laughing, gripping each other to keep themselves from falling. Isak has his snapback in his hand, waving his arm around and shouting curses. From Sana’s peripheral vision, she can still see the Pepsi Max girls, their jaws dropped as they stare.

Sana laughs.

She runs over to the van. Vilde slides open the side door, and Eva and Noora giggle and dance together. As soon as Sana reaches them, Vilde grabs her and kisses her on the forehead. Chris leans over to give her a high five, yelling and asking if Sana likes their new ride. Vilde has a remote in her hand and is mostly hanging outside the window, trying to change the lighting inside of the van. Eva and Noora are suddenly there, pulling Sana into a hug and trying to bodily lift her onto one of the benches.

As soon as Sana is inside, she’s overwhelmed by it all; the music blaring, the disco lights jumping, the love and pure happiness and pleasure in her friend’s faces. Noora pulls the door, and Chris is already driving away before it’s completely closed. Vilde is still half-leaning out of the window.

“If you fuck with Sana, you fuck with us!” She screeches.

Noora yells. “Leave our girl alone, bitches!”

“We’ll kick your ass and then some!” Eva howls.

Sana watches from inside of the van, breathless and exhilarated, as Eva, Vilde, and Noora flip off the Pepsi Max girls through the open windows. Chris honks the horn again. Sana presses herself against the glass, looking through the ‘o’ in _Los Losers_. The Pepsi Max girls are still standing where Sana left them. They all have confused looks on their faces, staring silently as the van drives away. They guys are still laughing and cheering. 

All Sana can do is laugh too as Noora and Eva pop back inside and throw themselves at her, giggling and telling her how much they love her.

“You guys did this?” Sana tries to ask. “You bought us this van?”

“Once a Russ bus, always a Russ bus, baby,” Chris yells over the music.

“Senior year is gonna be lit!” Eva shouts, right in Sana’s ear.

Sana could not agree more.

 

+++

 

**THU JUNE 8, 20:25**

 

_Chris_

Party tomorrow, you ready birthday girl!?

 

_Eva_

THE PARTY IS HAPPENING

I’M SO EXCITED

 

_Chris_

It’s gonna be awesome

 

_Eva_

I’m really fucking happy

 

Same here

 

_Vilde_

And everyone got all the supplies assigned right ladies?

 

_Chris_

Yes MOM

 

_Noora_

Yeah

 

Yes

 

_Eva_

Idc if you did or not

I just want to celebrate with you <3

 

_Chris_

Stop being a nerd

 

_Eva_

Hahahahahahaha

But everyone RSVP’d right?

 

_Vilde_

Yup, everyone should be there

 

_Eva_

Can’t fucking wait

 

<3

 

_Noora_

Remember when Sana used to have her *no I don’t party with my brother* rule

Now the balloon boys are coming to our parties

Chris is hanging out with Mutta

Sana has Yousef wrapped around her little finger

 

_Eva_

HAHAHAHAHA

 

I changed my mind I’m not coming to the party

 

_Chris_

LOL

Whattevah

 

_Eva_

Noooooo

It won’t even be a party without you, Sana

 

_Vilde_

Yeah girl <3

 

_Eva_

Besides

What if those PM bitches show up?

We’ll need you to throw water at them ;)

 

Just like old times

Hahahaha

 

_Noora_

Nah, let Sana just chill

If they dare show up

We’ll just get Isak to threaten them again

 

_Vilde_

I still can’t believe that happened

Those bitches

 

_Chris_

But how fucking EPIC though

Wish I would’ve been there

I would’ve popped Sara in the mouth

 

_Vilde_

Me too!

 

LOL

You guys have done more than enough

You’re the best friends ever

I’m so lucky

 

_Chris_

I take it back

Sana’s the nerd

 

_Eva_

No, not a nerd

Queen of the Losers

 

<3

 

_Vilde_

<3

 

_Noora_

<3

 

_Chris_

CORNY

<3

 

+++

 

“This is like something out of a dream, isn’t it?” Eva asks, leaning over the table to grin at Sana, Chris, and Noora.

Sana looks around and smiles back, too full of happiness to even be able to say anything back. Chris’s backyard looks absolutely beautiful in the dark; Sana is so grateful that Eva pushed the party time back so everyone who was fasting for Ramadan would be able to eat and drink together. Sana’s heart swells as she glances at all of her friends, laughing and interacting with one another. There’s Even, Elias, Mikael, Magnus, and Isak playing croquet a feet away; Eskild, Adam, and Mutta near the grill; Yousef talking to Mahdi and Jonas on a bunch of ridiculous inflatable pool floats; and Linn and Vilde sitting in the grass, speaking about chlamydia, Sana is pretty sure.

“Hey! Can I have some?” Eva pouts as Chris pours herself more champagne.

“No!”

“Please?”

“You have your own drinks, you’re eighteen!” Chris says.

“Exactly! I’m eighteen!”

“So drink your own drinks!” Chris laughs.

Sana rolls her eyes, a smile on her face. She glances at Noora, who just purses her lips and shrugs back at her. Sana lifts up her own glass of sparkling cider and clinks it against Noora’s. Noora grins, and takes a swig.

“Should we play a drinking game?” Eva asks. “You, me, Sana, Noora? Who’s looking to hook up tonight?”

Sana tries not to laugh as Noora almost chokes on her drink; Eva winks.

Chris says, “The drinking game of… the pointing game!”

Noora frowns. “Pointing?”

“So we’re supposed to point at each other?” Eva asks. “Point at whoever you want to make out with?”

“I know who Eva would point at,” Sana mutters to Noora under her breath.

Noora’s face turns almost as red as her lipstick. Sana chuckles, and makes a mental note to try and get Noora alone sometime soon, so she can ask exactly what is going on between her and Eva.

“It’s like, you know, ‘most likely to… fail their exams,’” Chris explains.

Sana rolls her eyes and finds her gaze being pulled towards Yousef. She dips her tongue out slightly, eyeing him. He’s chuckling slightly, looking at Jonas. She can’t believe how good he looks, just sitting there in black jeans, a hoodie, and a snapback. She sighs a little bit when he licks his lips.

As if he could hear her, he tilts his head and catches her eyes, a smile playing on his face. She raises her eyebrows at him, trying to contain the grin that wants to burst out. She hasn’t gotten a chance to talk to him yet, not really. But she can be patient. They do, after all, have all night.

He stares at her as he says something else, and then raises his cup of soda to his lips. It’s strangely intimate and sort of erotic as he drinks, never dropping her gaze. Sana flushes slightly, and then glances away. Noora is looking at her, a huge grin on her face.

“Oh, shut up,” Sana mutters.

“I can’t believe you ever thought he was into me,” Noora snorts.

Sana nudges her shoulder. “Drink your cider and be quiet.”

 

+++

 

Sana wanders over towards the guys playing croquet, laughing as Even misses his shot because Isak smacks his butt.

“That’s cheating!” Even sputters out.

Elias and Isak high five; Mikael starts to complain that it’s not fair for boyfriends to distract each other just to win the game.

“All’s fair, and all that shit,” Isak grins.

“Ugh, Magnus, you take my turn, I need a drink,” Even says.

Magnus turns and winks at Isak. “Smack my butt all you want, but I’m not gonna let you ruin my game.”

Elias claps his hand on Isak’s shoulder. “Don’t sweat it man, we’re winning anyway. No way they catch up.”

Mikael snorts. “We’ll see!”

Sana rolls her eyes. “Why don’t I just go with you to get that drink?”

Even laughs and slings his long arm around her shoulders.

“Can you bring me something too?” Elias calls. “Just water.”

Sana looks at her brother over her shoulder, and they smile at each other.

She and Even meander over to the drink table, and Sana watches as Even picks up a glass of sparkling cider. She looks up into his face, illuminated by the twinkle lights hanging up around Chris’s backyard.

“So, how’s it going?” Sana asks.

Even beams at her. “It’s going great, Sana. It’s going great.”

She smiles back. “That’s good to hear.”

“Elias came out with me and Yousef yesterday, to the mosque, and we hung out afterwards,” Even tells her. “It was really nice. Cathartic. We talked about a lot of shit.”

“I’m so happy for you,” Sana says warmly. “So, it’s good between you and the other guys as well, then? Mutta and Mikael and Adam too?”

Even nods. “It’s a little awkward still between Isak and Mikael, but I think it’s going well enough.”

Sana says, “Yeah. And it’s not like - things won’t becoming magically all perfect overnight.”

“No, they won’t, but it’s a good start,” Even says. “Fuck, I missed them all. It’s so nice. This party… was a great idea. Not only to celebrate Eva’s birthday, which I know sound selfish, but it really means a lot. I don’t know if I could’ve… anyway.”

“I think it would’ve happened, eventually,” Sana says. “When you meet friends who are more like family… you can never stay away for too long.”

Even nods. “And you know, that, all of this - none of it would be possible without you, Sana. Look at all the people you’ve brought together, today.”

Sana shakes her head, about to deny it all, but then pauses. “Yeah, maybe.”

“No maybe about it,” Even says.

She clears her throat, sure that tears are going to come at any moment. She looks around the backyard, catching Chris’s eye. She’s standing next to Mutta, both of them swaying slightly to the music. Mutta’s head is inclined slightly, a dopey grin on his face. Chris raises her glass towards Sana, blowing her a kiss, before turning back to Mutta.

When she moves to turn to Even though, she pauses, staring at Yousef. He’s standing next to Vilde, arms crossed over his chest, laughing at something that she’s said. He turns his head, and looks at her for a moment before turning back to the conversation. Sana smiles to herself, about to glance back at Even, when Yousef turns his head again to stare back at her. She dips her tongue out, and watches him watching her. He tilts his head slightly, and then twitches his eyebrows, before grinning at her. Sana feels her smile widen, and then she’s flashing all her teeth at him.

She doesn’t even notice Even watching the entire exchange, a small smile on his face.

“You know,” Even coughs.

Sana startles, and then looks back towards Even.

“Huh?” she blinks up at him.

“I was just saying, that you know, Yousef will probably kill me for this, but there’s something I want to show you,” Even says, digging his phone out of his pocket, a smirk on his face.

Sana narrows her eyes slightly. “What is it?”

He scrolls for a moment, and then hands his phone over to her. “Here, just read this from here.”

“Okay,” Sana says.

When she looks down at his phone, she’s surprised to see it’s a bunch of text messages from Yousef.

 

**Yousef Acar**

**_[May 24_ ** _12:42 **]**_

 

Hey Even

Halla bro

Ready for Friday?

Yeah, definitely!

I was wondering if I could ask you something though

What’s up?

Have you talked to Sana lately?

Sana Bakkoush?

Yeah man

What other Sanas do you know?

None

But just making sure

No I haven't really

Why? What’s up?

She’s just been cold to me lately

And Elias won’t talk to me about her

So I just want to make sure she’s okay

I think she’s fine

Isak mentioned they have this big thing coming up in class

Maybe she’s just stressed

Oh, okay

 

 **_[May 24_ ** _17:01 **]**_

 

Okay I’m not trying to pry

But you brought Sana up a lot at the hospital

And now this

Is there something between you two?

No

Or

I don’t know

I like her a bit?

YOUSEF

MAN

Does she like you?

BRO

I don’t know

I’m freaking out here

I had no idea

But it makes so much sense

SHIT

Even

DAMN

Relax!!

I don’t think she likes me

Did she say that?

Has anything happened between you two?

Nothing has happened!

Then why do you think that?

Just her being cold, or?

I thought things were okay?

I walked her home and we flirted and stuff

Or I thought

But then I tried to message her on Facebook after SYNG

She blocked me

I don’t know when but

Yeah

Do you want me to talk to her about you?

Ugh

No

Wait

Yeah, maybe

What would you say?

I’ll be cool don’t worry

Okay

Thanks

 

 **_[May 26_ ** _23:18 **]**_

 

I forgot to tell you

I saw Sana today

What did she say?

Well she and Isak were studying so I didn’t say much

Just wished them good luck

Even

Then why would you bring this up?

You’re killing me

 

 **_[May 27_ ** _18:03 **]**_

 

Even are you free?

I seriously need advice

What happened?

I met with Sana

And?

I think she hates me

What? Why?

It was a fucking mess

I wanted to tell her that I like her, but instead I was just an asshole and I stole her ball

“I stole her ball”

Is this a euphemism for something

No

Fuck

Am I 12 or what?

Even I don’t want her to hate me

I swear we’re soul mates

Soul mates???!!!!

Yousef

Wow

I know

I think she has a lot going on right now

But

Let’s meet tomorrow, okay?

Get some coffee and I’ll be your therapist

Thanks Even

Seriously

That’s what friends are for

<3

 

 **_[June 01_ ** _21:16 **]**_

 

So?

Did you talk to Sana today?

Yes

Did you tell her you like her?

No

Yousef

Why?

I really think she might like you too

Has she told you that?

No

But just the way she looks when I talk about you

Like she blushes and acts like it’s no big deal

Like she doesn’t want me to know she likes you

If you know what I mean?

What?

No

I don’t understand shit

Okay

What happened?

Well she smiled at me a lot

And we flirted?

But when I asked her if she wanted to chill

With the boys

She said no

Well

If you were her would you want to chill with your crush and your brother and his friends?

Yes?

Yousef...

Anyway

Then her mom interrupted and I had to leave

Just forget it

Let’s talk about something else

Yousef I think it’s gonna be okay

Yeah?

Definitely

 

When Sana finishes reading, all she can do is grin at Even. He smiles back at her, eyes crinkling.

“Don’t tell him I showed you this,” Even says, “But in case you were on the fence about whether you should go over there and ask him to dance, I think this is all a pretty good sign.”

He winks, and Sana’s heart feels so full she’s worried it might burst.

 

+++

 

“Move it, move it, move it!” Chris yells as soon as Eva finishes blowing out the candles. “We have a gift! Open it! Put the cake down!”

Sana laughs as Chris sweeps an arm out, almost knocking the cake off of the table. Both Elias and Mahdi lunge for it, managing to catch it without getting any frosting on their clothing. Vilde’s eye twitches just a little bit but then she giggles as well. Yousef helps Chris lift up their present onto the table, and then turns his head slightly to wink at Sana. Her heart thuds, and her first instinct is to smile back at him shyly. But instead, she winks back at him, lifting her head up. His mouth drops open and he stares at her for a moment, his eyes dark and intense. Around them, everyone is cheering for Eva to open her present. She tears the paper off, and Sana has to duck slightly to avoid being smacked in the face with the ribbon.

“What the fuck!” Eva grins as she struggles to lift the giant bottle out. “Are you crazy!”

Vilde shouts, “It’s six liters!”

“A Methuselah!” Chris yells.

“Oh my God, did you guys get this? I don’t know what to say!”

Sana catches Yousef’s eye again. She smiles at him; he grins back at her. His texts bounce around his her head. _I swear we’re soul mates._

 

+++

 

The speakers are blaring, and Sana can barely hear herself think on the makeshift dance floor. She spins every which way, trying to keep up with Eva, who has her waist in a strong grip. Sana laughs as Eva’s party hat slips further and further off of her head, the faster that Eva spins them both around. Everyone is screaming the lyrics as they writhe and jump around - _don’t worry ‘bout a thing, don’t worry ‘bout a thing_. It’s very suiting, Sana thinks.

Adam and Noora are dancing next to each other, both doing something weird and almost robotic with their arms. Elias and Mahdi are in the center of everyone, moving in perfect rhythm. Elias begins to dip low and Mahdi just cheers him on, throwing his hands out and doing a complicated twist with his hips. They clap and hug every so often. Jonas has his phone out as he dances, trying to grab everyone that he can to take selfies with them. Linn and Eskild are dancing with one another; Linn has an intent look on her face like this is her job, but Eskild is waving his arms around wildly. Magnus and Vilde have their arms around each other, but it doesn’t look serious or tense. Vilde presses her hand into Magnus’s lower back and tries to dip him, causing him to burst into excited laughter. Isak and Even shimmy their shoulders at one another, eyes never leaving each other’s faces. Chris is in the middle of a Mikael and Mutta sandwich, her fingers pressed into Mutta’s waist as Mikael dances offbeat behind her.

Sana hears Yousef’s voice behind her. “Mind if I cut in, birthday girl?”

Eva laughs, twirling Sana away from her. “Go ahead!”

Sana lets go of Eva and turns, grabbing ahold of Yousef in one smooth move. He looks down at her, surprised, as she catches onto his upper arms. She squeezes slightly, grinning up at him, before letting go. She does, however, hold onto one of his hands with hers, and steps back into rhythm. He steps into her space, pausing for a moment, eyes searching hers. When she nods at him, he slides his other arm around her waist, moving with her.

“You should take me dancing for our first date,” he says to her.

She tries not to smirk at him and fails. “Oh, really?”

“Really,” he says.

“I don’t know,” she says.

“Why not?”

“Well, if I’m the one taking you out, shouldn’t I be the one trying to impress you?” she says.

“Hmm?”

“You’ll just show me up with all your awesome moves-”

He grins at her. “I doubt it-”

“No, I’m pretty sure, especially if you bring any of the steps from the living room,” she dips out her tongue, trying not the laugh.

He seems confused at first. “Steps from the living…. Oh, oh no.”

She bursts into laughter anyway, her entire body shaking as they keep dancing. She feels Yousef’s hand tighten on her back just slightly, his fingers bunching into her shirt. Her laugh almost dies in her throat and she tries not to flush, head tilted up towards his face.

“Don’t worry,” she says. “I thought it was cute.”

“That might have been one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, and here you are, bringing it up,” Yousef groans.

She raises her eyebrows. “That was one of the most embarrassing moments? What about that time when you and the guys were still in high school and you swore up and down you could do a backflip, and-”

He scrunches his face for a moment, eyes closing as he grins. “Sana!”

“What?”

His eyes pop open; he’s not upset. “You know, I have a few embarrassing stories about you, but I would never say them!”

“Why not?”

“Because!” he says.

“Go right ahead, I’m sure they’re funny,” Sana says. “I already know all the most embarrassing things about me, anyway.”

He shakes his head at her. “Such a tough girl, huh?”

“The toughest,” she says back.

He looks at her with such affection that Sana can barely breathe for a moment. Inadvertently, she pulls him closer to her, bodies still dancing to the song, albeit a little bit behind the rhythm.

“I’m just saying, it won’t be a fun date if all you do is make fun of me,” he teases.

“Won’t be fun for who?”

He laughs, and she can’t help but think how much she likes his teeth.

“Sana,” he says, voice dipping low, “Sana, seriously. I don’t care if you spend our entire date making fun of me. I just want to spend time with you.”

She wants to tease him, wants to keep laughing a bit. But he’s staring at her so intently that all of the humor dries up in her mouth, and she’s left just staring at him. Suddenly, she wants to badly to tell him how much she likes him; that she actually loves him. And that she thinks maybe they’re soul mates too, and how amazing and exhilarating it is that they’ve found each other, that they know each other. That she doesn’t know if she’ll ever get over how well they get along and how she loves talking to him, playing basketball with him, dancing with him. How she wants to sit in the kitchen and listen to him say overly serious shit about mundane things like peeling carrots. How she wants to keep having conversations where he surprises and challenges her while making her laugh. How she likes the feel of his arms around her, surrounded by most of their friends. How she wants to talk to him about religion and Allah and debate which verses in the Quran to recite to their children first. 

“Me too,” she says simply.

Somewhere in the background, Sana hears Jonas laughing, “You’re gonna open it now, right?”

Everyone around them begins cheering, but it sounds far away to Sana. She and Yousef sway towards the edge of the dance floor, as everyone else gathers closer, hugging and laughing and jostling one another. Sana doesn’t look away from Yousef’s gaze.

“Do you ever think about how some people are meant to be in your life?” Yousef asks. “Like, do you ever - sometimes I think that even if Elias and I had never met, you and I would have still found each other.”

Vilde screams, “Come on, Eva! Do it!”

Sana swallows. “I haven’t really thought about that, no. But...”

Mutta yells, “Shake it! Shake it!”

“But?” Yousef asks.

“I like that idea,” she says. “That even if things were different, we would still...”

It’s on the tip of her tongue to say ‘still be together,’ but, even knowing how he feels about her, it feels presumptuous.

Somewhere close by, Noora shouts, “no, no!”

“That we would still be Sana and Yousef,” she finishes, hoping that he understands what she means.

He smiles at her.

There’s a loud pop; then, suddenly, they’re both covered in champagne.

Sana startles as Yousef begins laughing. She finally looks around, pulled back into the merriment of the party. Eskild has Eva’s birthday present in his hands and is attempting to drink it straight from the bottle. Everyone around him cheers as they continue dancing, their hair and shirts soaked with alcohol. She catches Eva’s eye, who grins at her and holds her hand out, waving Sana closer. Sana looks up at Yousef. He squeezes her waist before letting go. Sana laughs and Eva launches herself at her, just as the rest of the guys try to lift Eskild up on an inflatable pink flamingo.

 

+++

 

“Here you are,” Noora says, plopping down onto the bench beside Sana.

Sana grins back at her, leaning into her seat. Noora’s face shines in the dim light. It’s almost midnight and extremely dark out; there are a number of menacing clouds in the sky covering the moon and starlight. But the twinkle lights around Chris’s backyard are just bright enough to still see across the yard. Sana catches a glimpse of Jonas, Even, Adam and Linn trying to play a game of nighttime croquet.

“Yeah,” Sana says, turning back to Noora. “I’m just a bit sleepy.”

“It is pretty late,” Noora says.

“Yeah, and I’m always more tired than usual during Ramadan,” Sana explains. “You know, fasting.”

“Yeah,” Noora nods. “And… is it going well? The fasting and everything?”

Sana smiles. “Yes. Though every day I’m literally counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until I can eat again.”

Noora says, “Yeah. But does it make it easier, having people around who are fasting too?”

Sana nods. “Jamilla and I have been sending each other Muslim memes since Ramadan began.”

“That’s awesome,” Noora laughs.

They sit together silently for a moment, watching Eva twirl around with Vilde and Chris. Sana bites her lip, wondering if this is the right time to ask Noora exactly what’s going on between her and Eva.

Noora starts, “But I just-”

Sana says over her, “So I wanted-”

They both pause and giggle at one another.

“I just wanted to...” Noora trails off, staring at Sana a bit uncertainly.

Sana decides to go for it; she smiles. “So, everyone in the Kollektiv is gay?”

Noora breaks out into a grin. “Yeah.”

“And… is there something between you and Eva?” Sana asks.

Noora looks at her shyly. “Yes.”

Sana grins. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Do Vilde and Chris already know?”

Noora shakes her head. “We didn't tell anyone yet. Though… Chris has probably guessed. She always seems to know, things like this…”

“Why didn’t you tell any of us?”

Noora shrugs, wrinkling her nose. “I think… Well, it's complicated, you know? Going from friends to something more. We both agreed to not say anything yet because we wanted to try and figure things out, just the two of us first.”

“You know that I'm really happy for you, right?” Sana says. “I love you both and you're so good for each other. Anyone can see that.”

“No, I know. We know,” Noora smiles. “I tried to talk to you, kind of, that day in school? But you had so much going on too-”

“That doesn't mean you couldn't have talked to me-”

“Trust me Sana, it's not you, it’s me,” Noora says.

They both laugh, and Sana nods.

“No, okay, I understand, I think,” Sana says.

“Yeah. I think I chickened out, a bit. It's exciting but scary.”

“How long have you two…?”

Noora sighs. “I don't know if I can pinpoint when I first started falling for her, you know? I feel like maybe it was back when we met. But then everything happened with her and Jonas and Penetrator Chris and then with me and William… I think we both just needed time.”

“Yeah.”

“It… Actually at blew up at SYNG.”

Sana raises her eyebrows. “Really?”

Noora nods. “After I found out about William… Well I was so angry, you know? Not really that he had a new girlfriend, but that no one told me. I felt kind of betrayed by you all.”

Sana’s heart clenches. “We should've told you right away. I know none of us meant to hurt you, that we were trying to protect you, but…”

“It's okay, I'm not upset anymore,” Noora says. “But at the time, I was really mad at Eva especially. And it's so dumb, but I wanted to hurt her back? And that's why I made out with that west side guy, you know, the one she met…”

Sana winces. “The one who I thought was Yousef?”

Noora looks like she's trying not to laugh. “Yeah, exactly. Anyway, after Eva found out, we got into this fight. It was sort of like a movie. You know, we're arguing, she's asking what I thought I was doing and I'm telling her I'm upset at her and I ask why she even cares who I kiss…”

“Yeah?”

“And she goes, ‘maybe I want you to kiss me.'”

“Wow, bold!” Sana is impressed.

Noora grins. “Yeah. So then I say, ‘well, maybe I want that too.’ And then we made out for a few hours.”

“Awhhh,” Sana says.

“Yeah. So we've been talking about it, and kissing more. And it's nice. It doesn't feel so high-pressure, so dramatic like it did with William. It feels… Exciting, yet safe. Like a homecoming.”

Sana inadvertently glances at Yousef. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

Noora wiggles her eyebrows. “Yeah, I bet you do.”

A car turns into the driveway, the headlights bright and jarring. Sana shields her eyes and blinks away as she hears loud groans from the rest of the party. The beams feel almost otherworldly, after an entire evening by the low glow of twinkle lights and stray starlight peeking from behind heavy clouds. Sana hears someone booing; she thinks it's Jonas, yelling to 'turn off the fucking lights.'

“Who is that?” Sana asks, squinting.

Eva walks over towards Sana and Noora, her party hat in one hand, holding on by only one string. The car lights switch off, plunging the backyard back into semi-darkness. After the shock of the headlights, Sana can barely see anything.

“Maybe the stripper finally showed up,” Chris yells.

Eva chuckles slightly, and Elias walks over with Even, Yousef, and Adam. All of them crowd slightly in front of Sana, Noora and Eva. Sana feels a flash of annoyance, but then recognizes the tense lines of Elias’s back. She realizes suddenly that the guys have moved to guard her and the girls, just in case. She glances over to everyone else, and sees Mikael, Eskild and Mutta waving the rest of the group back, deeper into the yard. Vilde is hurriedly throwing a paper tablecloth over the drink table.

“You think one of the neighbors called the cops?” Noora whispers.

Two car doors slam, and there's a tense moment as two tall figures walk towards the group. Even moves forward, hand slightly raised.

“Hi, is there something we can help you with?” He asks easily.

Before the pair can respond, Noora gasps in surprise. She stands up, fists clenched. Sana catches a good glimpse of the duo, and stares, frozen.

“Noora?” Eva says, uncertainly.

“William,” Noora answers, voice even.

William steps closer to Noora, practically looming over her. Noora crosses her arms over her chest, looking up at him with a raised eyebrow. Penetrator Chris nods his head at Eva, who just stares back at him.

Adam asks, “Noora, everything okay?”

Noora nods, her face still turned upwards. William doesn't acknowledge anyone else.

“I got your email,” he says.

 

+++

 

**Yousef Acar**

**_[Today_ ** _01:12 **]**_

I don’t know if I remembered to say this, but thanks for staying to clean and everything

Of course

Though everyone helped out, so I can’t take all the credit

That’s true

You also spent more time tangling up the lights than actually taking them down…

Hahaha

Don’t be mad that you’re too short to have reached them

Oh, you got jokes now?

Wow

I’ve always had jokes

:P

Shouldn’t you be sleeping?

Not that I’m not happy to text with you

Anytime :)

I’m at a sleepover

Okay?

So that automatically means no sleep until I get home

Ahhh

What’s your excuse?

I’m waiting up for the sunrise, obviously

Ah

Obviously

One day, we should watch one together

Okay :)

But no, I’m at Adam’s with Mutta

Playing FIFA

Sounds like fun

It’s not

I’m losing

Hahahaha

 **_[Today_ ** _01:49 **]**_

I had a lot of fun tonight

Or last night, I guess

With you

And everyone else too

Especially having Even and the guys back together

I’m glad

I had a lot of fun too

Btw Vilde Eva and Chris say hi

NO WE SAY THT WERE SO HAPPERTYTH

THT U THNK SANA

IS YR SOUTARRGRHHBEET

ARTRIJBINRTR

What?

 

 **_[Today_ ** _02:11 **]**_

Sana?

 **_[Today_ ** _02:25 **]**_

Sorry

Chris took my phone

She’s overtired and a bit drunk

Who knows what she was saying

LOL

Been there with the guys

I’m sure haha

 **_[Today_ ** _02:49 **]**_

Chris really, really likes Mutta

Like she has a major crush on him

Like, she wants to steal his hoodies crush on him

Sounds serious

It is

You should let him know

Right now

He just dropped his controller on his knee

And howled like a wolf

Adam caught it all on Snapchat

Amazing

 **_[Today_ ** _03:23 **]**_

I forgot to ask

Are you and the girls okay?

Those two guys

Noora’s and Eva’s exes?

They seemed intense

Yeah, I think we’re all okay

Eva was a little shaken up

But I’m not sure about Noora

She hasn’t answered any of our texts

And that has me worried

Yeah, that whole situation...

Yeah

But I’m sure she’s okay

And let me know if there’s anything I can do

I will

Thanks, Yousef

 **_[Today_ ** _03:51 **]**_

Sana?

Yousef?

I had a really, really great time with you.

Me too.

<3

<3

 **_[Today_ ** _04:22 **]**_

Yousef?

Sana?

The girls and I are gonna grab a really early breakfast before sunrise

Did you Mutta and Adam want to join us?

Absolutely

Where?

I’ll call you with the details now

 

+++

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii I know I'm an inconsistant updater who hasn't posted anything in a month, please forgive me <3 Hope you've all been good! And here's the latest / second-to-last chapter!
> 
> P.S. I know I'm horrible at responding to replies!!! But believe me I've read them all and I love them! You're all so beautiful!!! I think I'm going to wait until I have the whole thing posted before responding to all of them, but I see you!!!!

+++

By the time they leave Chris’s house, pick up Adam, Mutta and Yousef, make it to the diner, order their food, and then receive their plates, it’s only ten minutes until sunrise.

Sana doesn’t really mind though; she scarfs down her turkey bacon, egg and cheese sandwich as quickly as she can. Vilde gently wipes away a blob of ketchup from her chin as she chews. Sana ignores Adam’s snickers, and has to hide a smile when she sees Yousef shoulder check him.

They’re all sitting in a booth that’s much too small for their group, thighs and arms pressed into one another. Sana is between Vilde and Eva, with Adam, Yousef and Chris on the other side. The waiter had brought an extra chair for Mutta, who has pulled it close towards Chris. Every time Sana shifts, her knees knock into Yousef’s or her elbow jams into Eva’s side. It’s chaotic and just good, a fitting end to their night - rather, their morning.

Chris leans over, resting her head on Mutta’s shoulder. “I think I’m still drunk from last night. Did I even drink that much?”

“You did chug the last of Eva’s champagne bottle as we were cleaning up,” Mutta says.

“We had to take out the recycling! I wasn’t gonna just throw it in there with champagne still in it!” Chris says adamantly. “There was like, half a litre left.”

“Sure,” Mutta grins.

“Ugh, and Eva wasn’t going to drink it so someone had to, right Eva?”

Eva smiles distractedly. She presses her fork into the vanilla ice cream that sits on top of a half-eaten Belgian waffle. Sana and Chris exchange a look as Vilde checks her phone discreetly. The entire time they’ve been out, everyone has been trying to distract Eva from Noora still being with William. Even though Sana knows the guys aren’t sure of the details, they’ve been cracking a lot of jokes and sharing tons of stories. It’s really cute, she thinks. But unfortunately, doesn’t seem to be working very well.

“So, you’re all doing Russ together?” Mutta clears his throat. “Los Losers, that’s your theme?”

“It's an inside joke,” Vilde says.

“No, I like it,” Mutta beams. “It's sort of a revolutionary concept, don't you think, like the declaration of-”

Adam and Yousef groan simultaneously, cutting him off, Sana has to hide a smile as Chris pats Mutta’s hand gently.

“I'm just saying, it's like the antithesis-”

Adam interrupts, “I wish we had done something like that, a small bus, just the guys, instead of the big bus thing.”

“Yeah, I don't even talk to most of the guys who were on our bus,” Yousef adds.

“Exactly. It would’ve been much cooler if it was just us, Mikael, Elias and Ev-” Adam stops, uncertainly. “Well, it wasn't… at that point… but what I mean is, if we had just planned it to be just the squad, in a van doing our own thing.”

“How many people were on your bus?” Vilde asks curiously.

“We had twenty eight,” Yousef says.

“It was kind of a shit show, but not in the regular, fun way,” Adam says.

“What do you mean?” Chris asks.

Sana takes a large gulp of coffee. She still has 30 seconds.

“Well, there was a lot of pressure to act a certain way,” Mutta says. “It was all very performative.”

Yousef nods. “Everyone wanted to get trashed and do stupid shit, which makes sense, it’s Russe. But there was also pressure that if you didn’t want to do something in particular, it was just a lot of guys piling on, doing dumb guy shit.”

Adam starts snickering. “Yeah, like when you refused to make out with that girl, because-”

Yousef suddenly elbows Adam in the ribs; Adam starts wheezing. Sana raises her eyebrows at Yousef, who just smiles at her from across the table. Adam rubs at his side; Chris hides a snort behind a fake cough.

“The point is, it would’ve been much more chill and probably more fun if we had done Russe with just close friends, no drama, no obligations to be chill with a bunch of assholes,” Mutta says.

“Not to say it was all bad,” Adam said, voice slightly pained, “But I agree it definitely would’ve been more fun if we had done it on our own.”

“Well, we’ve definitely had our share of Russe drama,” Vilde says. “But I’m glad that’s behind us.”

Sana nudges her shoulder against Vilde’s. “You know, Eva was kind of the catalyst for our bus.”

“Fucking hell, that’s right,” Chris says.

“Yeah, we all met in first year,” Sana says, “At an unofficial bus meeting.”

Vilde starts. “Yeah. Chris and I had just been kicked off of our old bus-”

“Well, you were kicked off, I’m just loyal,” Chris cuts in.

“- And Eva seemed so cool, we invited her to join our bus. She brought Noora and Chris brought Sana,” Vilde says.

“Hey, remember when you asked Sana if Muslims were allowed to do Russe?” Chris starts laughing. “And Sana said - what was it? ‘No, it’s punished by stoning’?”

The guys all laugh, and Vilde turns bright pink. Sana raises her eyebrows, smirking.

“Sorry about that, again,” Vilde says, embarrassed. “I didn’t realize how offensive that was-”

“Water under the bridge,” Sana says.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking,” Vilde says to the guys, “But is that part of why you didn’t have that much fun on your bus? Did people say racist stuff, you know, like asking if Muslims could do Russe?”

Mutta looks thoughtful for a moment, and then shakes his head. “Not really. I think it’s different for girls-”

Eva’s phone goes off, and everyone at the table jumps. Startled, she drops it on the table before picking it up again with slightly shaking hands. Sana tries not to look at her too eagerly, noticing the expectant looks on everyone else’s faces. Eva’s eyes dart across the screen, and then she slumps again.

“Just mom,” she says. “She wants me to call her when I wake up to tell her how the party went.”

Sana and Vilde exchange a look.

“I don’t think you should be worried, Eva,” Chris says. “I’m sure it’s fine.”

“Yeah,” Vilde echoes.

“No, no of course,” Eva says, looking up and giving everyone a small, tight smile.

“She’s gonna call,” Sana says.

“Yeah, yeah,” Eva shrugs.

Vilde says hesitantly, “Uhm, has anyone tried calling William?”

“I texted Penetrator Chris but there was no answer,” Eva says.

“That doesn’t mean anything, I’m sure they’re just, uhm, talking,” Chris says.

Eva sighs. “Yeah. Whatever.”

“Eva-” Sana says gently.

“But think about it, they’ve been apart for a very long time,” Eva says, tone bitter, “They’re probably just chilling, and don’t give a fuck about anyone else.”

Chris starts. “I don’t think-”

“No, you’re right, I’m sure,” Eva says, then shakes her head. “Hey, can you let me out? I need to use the bathroom.”

There’s a lot of maneuvering as Vilde and Sana slide out of the booth. Mutta scrapes his chair back to make sure Eva has enough room. Sana accidently steps on Adam’s toes, and Vilde almost knock over a water glass with her elbow. Eva smiles distractedly again, and makes her way over to the restrooms. Sana sits back in the booth, watching her go.

“I think we should to call the police,” Vilde says immediately.

Chris frowns. “You wanna do what now?”

“Noora has basically disappeared off the face of the earth,” Vilde says. “We should put in a missing person's report-”

“I think you have to wait like twenty four hours for that,” Chris asks.

“Well, we should have them go over to Noora’s house or something just to make sure she’s still alive.” Vilde frowns. “Well, what if he’s killed her?”

Sana sighs. “He hasn’t killed her.”

Vilde raises her eyebrows, crossing her arms over her chest. “We can’t know that for sure. He has shown violent tendencies in his past and his brother is a psychopath. We don’t know if William is or not - those things are genetic-”

“Okay, okay,” Adam cuts in. “What the hell?”

Sana moistens her lip for a moment, and then hums a little. “Uhm....”

“Who even was that guy?” Mutta asks. “William?”

Chris scrunches her nose a bit. “Her ex-boyfriend.”

“It was really intense when they were dating,” Vilde says.

Chris adds, “He was a total jackass.”

Yousef frowns. “He seemed… well, I don’t know him, but he seemed like that much is still true.”

“What did he do?” Adam asks.

“Well...” Sana hesitates.

“You don’t have to say,” Yousef nods at her, eyes dark. “It’s okay. There’s some things that people should get to choose what’s revealed about their past, you know?”

A warm feeling rushes through Sana.

“No, shit, yeah,” Adam says. “Sorry.”

“He’s just bad news,” Vilde says.

“So we’re worried about Noora, we haven’t heard from her all night,” Chris adds. “And she and Eva are - uhm, especially close, so it’s been hard.”

Mutta frowns, “Aren’t they dating?”

A silence falls across the table. Chris coughs, shaking her head quickly. Vilde laughs a little bit, a startled sound.

“Who? Eva and Noora?” Vilde wrinkles her nose. “Of course they’re dating.”

Sana jerks slightly, eyebrows furrowed slightly. Chris clears her throat, blinking rapidly. Vilde begins to frown.

“Oh, wait, was I the only one who knew?” Vilde asks. “I thought it was obvious. Sana, Chris, I thought for sure you two knew.”

“Of course I knew,” Chris blurts out. “But I had no idea that you knew. How did you know?”

Vilde says. “They’re always together, and I saw them holding hands. Remember in the bathroom?”

“Well, yeah, so I just thought...” Chris shrugs.

“Sana, and you knew, right?” Vilde asks. “You know everything.”

Sana bites her lips slightly. “Uhm, yeah I knew. Noora… sort of… told me last night. But she didn’t… she wasn’t sure that either of you knew-”

“Hello? I was the one who always knew Noora was a lesbian!” Vilde says. “Or, bisexual. Pansexual? Queer? Whatever her label is.”

“No way,” Chris looks indignant. “You didn’t always know that Noora likes women.”

“Yeah? I was always bringing it up, trying to give her a safe atmosphere to talk about it!” Vilde says.

Sana snorts. “Like how, Vilde?”

“Well, remember that time I asked her if she was one, and you all laughed? When I said that was probably the reason why she never talked about guys?” Vilde raises her eyebrows. “Or when I said having a lesbian couple in the cabin would be so cozy?”

“I’m sorry I asked,” Mutta mutters.

“Not to insert myself here,” Yousef says, “But it sounds like this is… uhm… a conversation for the five of you?”

“No offense, but if we were this bad when Even was trying to come out, no wonder he stopped being friends with us,” Adam shakes his head.

Sana rolls her eyes. Then, because she’s overtired and feeling childish again, she picks up a slice of toast, long cold and soggy with butter, and throws it at Adam. He catches it and is about to put it in his mouth when Yousef slaps his hand down; the toast splashes into a glass of orange juice.

“Hey,” Adam says plaintively.

“It’s way past sunrise,” Yousef says.

“Guys,” Chris says, straightening her shoulders and glancing towards the bathroom.

Sana looks over to see Eva storming back towards them, her phone in her hand. Her face is wet, like she just recently splashed water all over it; dark spots are on her party dress and the raggedy flannel that she threw on top of it.

“I just got a text from Noora,” she says breathlessly. “It says, ‘Sorry I haven’t responded, but I’ll be back home soon. Can you and the girls meet me?’”

Sana sighs in relief, and everyone jumps into action. Yousef starts waving down the waitress, asking for the check. Chris pushes Mutta and Adam, trying to find her car keys. Eva’s thumbs are flying over her phone, responding to Noora. Sana tries to reach into her jacket for her wallet, accidentally jamming her elbow into the table.

“Hey, you girls go, we got this,” Mutta waves at the mess they’ve made.

“No, you guys-” Sana starts to argue.

“No, Mutta’s right, we got it,” Yousef smiles, nodding his head at Sana.

Sana’s fingers brush against her wallet. “Are you sure?”

Adam says, “Yeah, yeah, just go, get Eva’s girl.”

Vilde chokes, but Eva doesn’t even seem to notice. She stands near the table, glancing at the door like she just wants to leave.

“But how will you get home?” Chris asks, already halfway out of the booth.

“We’ll walk, don’t worry,” Mutta says. “I’m sure it’s a nice day outside.”

Sana wants to beam at the guys. Instead of repressing the urge, she does. Adam and Mutta grin back at her but Yousef gives her something smaller, more intimate. For a moment, she’s stuck in her seat, looking back at him, even as Vilde, Chris and Eva are already moving away from the table.

“I’ll get you, next time,” Sana says, “for our date.”

Yousef says, “I’m counting on it.”

“Ugh,” Adam responds.

Sana rolls her eyes and chases after her girls, already by the diner’s door.

 

+++

 

Sana leans against the counter, wringing her hands together slightly. She stands in the Kollective kitchen, waiting tensely for Noora to get home. Linn and Vilde are sitting at the table, Eskild is sitting on top of the counter, Chris is perched on the windowsill, and Eva is just standing somewhere in the middle, phone in her hands. Sana yawns, trying not to be tempted into making herself a cup of coffee.

“They could just be in that penthouse of William’s, fucking,” Eskild is saying.

“I think they went to London,” Linn adds.

“Yeah, you think they went to London, but you also thought Grunde was going to win Paradise, so you have bad judgment, Linn. Be a bit humble.”

“I don’t think they’re fucking,” Vilde says, shooting a horrified glance at Eva.

“You have to prepare yourself though, Eva, is all I’m saying,” Eskild says. “Not to be cruel, but it’s like I told Isak, people don’t often leave their old girlfriends, boyfriends, whatever, for you. Though of course I was wrong about that, so, what do I know?”

Eva gives Eskild a small, tight smile. “Yeah.”

“Though of course, she seemed pretty forgiving when she went off in that Aston Martin car,” he continues. “Three million kroner, yeah? That’s a lot of money.”

“Well, I think William’s car is fucking cheesy,” Chris says.

The front door slams, and everyone startles. The familiar sound of Noora’s Oxfords clacking on the hardwood floors resonate through the kitchen, and for a moment, no one moves. Sana watches as Eva turns slowly towards the doorway, the rest of her body extremely stiff.

“Is anyone ho- oh,” Noora’s voice floats through the kitchen before her blonde head pops in.

“Hi,” Eva says.

Noora slowly steps into the room. Her hair is piled up haphazardly on her head, her lipstick faded from her mouth. Her clothes are more wrinkled that Sana has ever seen before. In short, she looks like a mess, though Sana’s sure that none of them, being awake for more than twenty-four hours now, look much better.

Eva and Noora stare at one another for a moment.

Then, a grin breaks out onto Noora’s face, and she practically skips towards Eva. Noora reaches for her, grabbing Eva by the waist, and then pulling her close. Eva brings her hands up and tangles them in Noora’s hair. Their faces hover for a moment, and then they’re kissing.

“Wow, okay,” Eskild says, smirking and bringing his cup of coffee up to his lips.

Sana raises her eyebrows but grins, looking towards Chris. Chris is openly gaping at Noora and Eva, nodding and smiling. Vilde’s eyes are wide, her lips slightly parted. Only Linn looks nonplussed, looking through the pages of some magazine lying on the table.

“Hi,” Noora says, when she and Eva finally break apart.

 

+++

 

It ends up just being Sana, Chris, Eva, Vilde and Noora, all piled together on Noora’s bed. Eskild had wandered into the shower and then back into his room, claiming he was going back to bed; Linn had parked herself on the couch and turned on Netflix, asleep before Noora’s bedroom door had even closed. Sana shifts so Vilde’s arm isn’t trapped under her neck and closes her eyes briefly, the sun shining through the curtains and onto her face.

“I sent William an email,” Noora says, voice sounding just slightly too far away.

“Email?” Vilde parrots.

“Yeah.”

Chris asks, “What did you write?”

Noora sighs. “Just… explaining why I left London in the first place, and how I was doing a lot of thinking about our relationship. How I felt used, manipulated, and like I constantly had to prove myself to him. How I felt betrayed when he never stood up for me against Nico, but made it all about him. That I was sorry that I left without saying anything, but that I wasn’t going to apologize for leaving.” Her voice quiets. “That I’ve moved on, and I’m happy now, with someone else.”

Sana opens her eyes and shifts her head slightly. Her eyes catch on Eva, whose head is pillowed on Noora’s stomach. Their gazes catch, and Eva smiles slightly.

“That’s why he showed up?” Sana asks. “Your email?”

Noora snorts. “Yes.”

“What did he say?” Vilde asks.

“He was just like… saying that he deserved better. That he wasn’t as bad as what I was saying, and that I couldn’t put all the blame on his shoulders. That we had - have - something special and that I owed it to both of us to give it a shot. That he changed.”

“And then?”

“I told him I appreciate him opening up but that I was over the relationship and I'm over him,” Noora says. “Then I told him goodbye for real, and left.”

Eva breathes out slowly. “Wow.”

“Yeah. I don't know what I was doing before, but I understand how he thinks now. And more importantly I understand how I feel and I'm putting myself first. This is…” Noora starts laughing, shaking the whole mattress. “This is the best thing I've ever done.”

“I'm so proud of you,” Sana says.

“Me too,” Chris adds. “You're such a badass.”

“I didn't do it on my own,” Noora says. “You guys all… Sana, you especially, you gave me the courage to open up to William and finally confront him.”

“Oh, Noora,” Sana sighs.

“Thank you girls for sticking with me,” Noora says. “And for always showing me what true love looks like.”

“Awwh,” Chris teases.

Vilde asks, “So does this mean we can all stop pretending we don't know that you and Eva are together?”

Sana lifts her head slightly, looking over at Noora. Her eyes are closed, but she has a huge smile on her mouth. Eva’s pushed her face into Noora’s stomach, but is shaking slightly, small giggles escaping her lips.

“Yeah, Vilde, it’s all out in the open now,” Noora says.

Sana grins, closing her eyes again and turning her face back towards the window. The sun feels warm and familiar on her skin. Just like laying in Noora's bed, surrounded by her girls, it's just like homecoming. Someone shifts out of the bed - Sana thinks it’s Eva - and rummages around the room for a few moments. Then, music starts playing, too soft for Sana to make out the lyrics, but still nice. The bed dips, and then there’s a new leg thrown over Sana’s torso.

“In the spirit of it all being out in the open,” Vilde says. “I have something to tell you all.”

“Hmm?” Sana asks.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I want this break with Magnus to be a break-up,” she says.

Eva says, “Wow, Vilde.”

“I just feel like I need some space to figure out more about what and who I like,” she says. “Ever since I started Nissen, I think… I always thought that if I had a boyfriend, that would make me pretty enough, smart enough, good enough. It was like a competition, but I was always losing. Because I was never actually focusing on what I wanted.”

“Thank you for sharing this,” Noora says quietly.

“Yeah. And for once I’m kinda excited to just be with myself, you know? Try some new things, meet some new people,” Vilde says. “Meet some new women.”

“Have you talked to Magnus yet?” Chris asks.

“No, but soon,” Vilde says.

Sana says, “I’m proud of you, Vilde. We all are.”

A content silence falls over them again as the music plays on. Sana falls asleep to Noora’s soft, rumbling laughter as Vilde talks about how excited she is to have a lesbian couple in the cabin this winter.

 

+++

 

**Mama**

**_[Today,_ ** _10:12 **]**_

Sana, are you still at Chris’s house?

Will you be home for iftar?

 **_[Today,_ ** _16:23 **]**_

I’m so sorry I didn’t text earlier Mama

We were up all night and ended up not falling asleep until after fajr

I’m still with the girls, but I’ll be home for dinner

No problem, my love

So I take it the night was a success?

Elias seemed happy when I saw him this morning

Yes, Mama

I had so much fun

I think everyone did, especially Eva

I’m glad to hear that

And I’m glad you and Elias have the friends you do

Elias mentioned that you talked about throwing an Eid party?

Yes, Mama if that’s okay with you and Baba

I think that’s a fine idea

We can talk about it more when we’re all home together

Okay Mama

I love you

I love you too

 

+++

 

“You little rebel, I can’t believe you were out all night,” Jamilla laughs.

“Yeah, that’s me,” Sana rolls her eyes. “But no, it was so much fun. And I slept from sunrise to sunset, basically.”

“Is that cheating?” Jamilla teases. “Getting through your fast because you’re knocked out?”

She and Sana enter the house together, stopping in the entryway to take their shoes off. A burst of laughter comes through the house; all of the windows are open, letting in a cool spring breeze. Sana hears Elias speaking loudly, calling out that Mutta cheated.

Jamilla nudges Sana with her shoulder. “Sounds like the boys are over. Should we join them?”

Sana hesitates. “Uhm...”

“What? I thought you said everything was all good with you and Yousef?” Jamilla frowns.

Sana smiles. “No, no, it’s great. It’s just, this is all new territory, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well...” Sana licks her lips. “It’s not like I usually hang out with the guys all the time, you know? I don’t want the dynamics to be weird or for everything to change just because Yousef and I are… something.”

A look of understanding comes over Jamilla’s face. “Oh.”

It had actually been on Sana’s mind since everyone hung out at the diner. It had been a nice time, despite the gloom of not knowing how Noora was. Sana was actually surprised by how nice and natural it felt, some of her girls and some of Yousef’s guys just acting goofy and all hanging out together, doing something so much more low-key than going to a party.

But then Adam's little  _ugh_ had stuck with her. She knew it was a small joke, but she was also worried that it was all just too much. She had fun hanging out with everyone, but what did everyone else think? Would Yousef and the guys get annoyed if she hung out with them too much? Would her girls, in trying to be more open to her needs, not say anything when she invited Yousef to too many events?

She sighs now. Things already feel so much more complicated, and they haven’t even dated yet, haven’t even defined what exactly they are.

“Elias and I haven’t even really talked about it...” Sana pauses. “Actually, Yousef and I haven’t really talked about it, either.”

“And you’re worried that you’ll be annoying, or something? Just because you and Yousef are dating-”

“We haven’t even gone on our first date yet-”

“-Doesn’t mean that you have to second guess it every time you want to hang out with your brother and the guys.”

“I know, but it’s not like things are the same as they used to be, you know?” Sana shrugs. “I don’t want it to be like we have to hang out all the time just because we’re… into each other.”

“Okay, but when Amir was still at home, were you annoyed that we were all hanging out together a lot?” Jamilla asks.

Sana shakes her head. “But I did get annoyed when Vilde kept inviting Magnus to do stuff with us all the time.”

“I think that’s different though, you weren’t friends with Magnus, were you?” Jamilla asks.

“No.”

“Well, you’re friends with all the guys, it’s not just that you never chilled with them and then suddenly, you have to be everywhere Yousef is,” Jamilla says. “I think it’s more like what the dynamic will be now that Eva and Noora are dating.”

“Maybe,” Sana says.

“I think you’re worrying too much,” Jamilla says.

“Maybe,” Sana repeats.

Jamilla considers her. “Sana.”

“Jamilla?”

“What have we learned this past year about honesty and communication?”

Sana wants to roll her eyes. “Talking it out is the key?”

“Exactly,” Jamilla says. “Avoiding the guys? That’s just gonna make it all weird. If you wanna hang out, just do it. You know? You don’t have to figure everything out right this moment. Let’s just chill.”

Sana huffs. “Yeah, okay.”

Come on,” Jamilla says. “Let’s see what they’re up to now.”

Sana nods her agreement and follows Jamilla through the house and into the backyard. The guys are all playing some game, teasing and laughing together. Mutta is complaining about how bad he is at their game; Yousef is off to the side, sitting by himself. Sana stands in the doorway for a moment, admiring how good his legs look in basketball shorts. Jamilla laughs and pushes past her, humming Usher’s “You Got it Bad” as she does. Sana rolls her eyes, kicking at the back of Jamilla’s calf gently.

“Halla, boys,” Jamilla says.

“Sana, Jamilla!” Adam grins. “What’s up, you doing well?”

Mutta waves. “Join us!”

Jamilla walks over towards their game, but Sana hesitates. She bites down on her lip to hide her smile, and then sits on the step next to Yousef. He turns his face slightly towards her, grinning as he does. Sana nods at him, and turns her face upwards for a moment. She sits, listening to the hullabaloo and enjoying the sun on her face. Her heart is beating quickly, just sitting next to Yousef, but he’s also a comfortable presence by her side.

“Join?” Elias scoffs. “We’re in the middle of a tournament. They can join later.”

“Afraid that you’ll lose against us?” Jamilla teases.

“Absolutely,” Elias says, without hesitation. “We got money riding on this.”

“Mikael, it’s your turn,” Mutta says.

“I got it, easy,” Mikael responds. “Though, of course, Jamilla, if you wanna take my turn…?”

“It’s two against two!” Adam says.

Elias says, “What did I just say? Jamilla isn’t part of this-”

Jamilla snorts, laughing, “Nah, nah, Sana and I will wait, then we’ll kick everyone’s asses.”

“Just throw them-” Mutta sounds anxious.

“Bad!” Elias is delighted. “Bro, go home!”

“Hey,” Yousef says, softly.

Sana opens her eyes, turning her head to look at him fully. He doesn’t have on a snapback or bandana today, so his hair is falling into his eyes. She wants to reach over and push it behind his ear. Instead, she thinks about the conversation she just had with Jamilla. She takes a breath, and decides that even though Jamilla was right - not everything needs to be decided now - it won’t hurt to talk about it, negotiating their friendships and boundaries and dating, at least a little bit.

“Hey,” she says.

“Everything all good with your girls?” he asks.

Sana nods. “Yeah, it’s great. Noora basically kicked her ex to the curb. Her and Eva look ecstatic.”

“That’s great,” Yousef grins.

“Sorry we abandoned you at the diner,” Sana says.

His grin turns crooked. “It’s all good. Though I did almost fall asleep on the walk home. Twice.”

“Poor you,” she teases.

“It was very dangerous,” he insists.

“Yeah I’m so sure,” she laughs.

Mutta’s voice breaks through their conversation. “Guys, it’s the third time we’ve beat you so please, just put up a bit of a fight.”

“Come on, I hurt my ankle, bad,” Mikael complains. “I really think Jamilla should sub in for me-”

“Abso-fucking-lutely not!” Elias says.

Sana clears her throat. “Hey, but you had a nice time at Eva’s birthday party?”

Yousef scrunches his face at her. “Yes! Of course it was loads of fun. Especially the dancing.”

Sana bites on her tongue to keep from grinning at him.

He continues. “No, but your gift to her was pretty awesome. Eskild just popping the champagne bottle and stuff. It wasn’t even his gift.”

Sana rolls her eyes. “He didn’t even bring a gift.”

“He didn’t even bring...” Yousef laughs. “He’s awesome.”

“Yeah.”

“And Even hanging out with us all again, with Isak, and his boys?” Yousef chuckles. “It was good seeing everyone together, you know?”

Sana’s mind trips back to what Even showed her on his phone. It’s on the tip of her tongue to tease Yousef about it, but she pauses at the last moment. She just stares back at him, the happiness evident on his face. And she knows that this is something she wants to keep to herself, at least for a little while longer. She wants to hold it, cherish it. Wait until Yousef is ready to say something to her himself. _Soul mate._ She tries to center herself a little, focusing on the task at hand.

“Uhm, and at the diner?” Sana says. “You had fun then, too? With my friends and the guys together?”

“Yeah, of course.” Yousef frowns at her slightly. “Did you?”

“Yeah, it was great,” she says.

He looks at her for a moment. “Sana, what’s up?”

“I thought of something.” Adam’s voice carries over. “We have to break the fast together tonight. With some delicious food. Jamilla, where do you and Sana want to go?”

“Balkan! Balkan Kebab,” Mutta says.

“No, what about Istanbul?” Jamilla suggests.

Sana glances down at Yousef’s hand, resting in the grass, close to her legs. “I just...”

“No, we can’t go there, that’s all Yousef will be eating this summer,” Adam retorts. “He’s leaving early this year.”

“Yousef!” Elias yells. “When do you leave for Turkey?”

Sana looks up to see everyone staring at her and Yousef. Yousef blinks towards the guys and Jamilla. Elias waves his hand, as if emphasizing the question he just asked.

“Not until July,” Yousef says, furrowing his brow.

“July?” Elias asks.

“See?” Jamilla is triumphant. “That’s weeks away, he won’t be tired of Turkish food.”

“Why don’t we get Balkan tonight, and Istanbul Friday?” Adam negotiates.

“No!” Elias’s voice is sharp.

Adam shoulder-checks him. “Why not? Relax. We’ll eat on Friday.”

Elias says, “I can’t on Friday.”

Mutta pipes up. “Friday is better. We can chill all night.”

Adam asks, “What are you doing on Friday?”

“I can’t on Friday, either,” Jamilla says.

“You too? What are you doing?” Mutta is indignant.

Sana turns to look back at Yousef. “You’re going to Turkey in July? I thought you usually don’t go until the end of the summer?”

Sana doesn’t know why she’s forgotten about Yousef’s annual summer trip back home until just now. She feels sort of silly; ever since she’s known him, he’s spent at least August with his grandparents and extended in Ankara.

Yousef says, “One of my cousins is getting married, so I’m going earlier this year.”

“Oh,” Sana says.

“See, so Thursday is better, guys,” Elias’s voice is loud.

Adam is still arguing for Friday. “There’s no school the next day, so Sana can stay out later. We can be up all night and then sleep all day Saturday.”

“Are you staying for a long time?” Sana asks Yousef.

“So I should just ditch my plans to go to dinner with you guys?” Elias asks.

“Jamilla’s willing to do it!” Mutta says.

“No I’m not,” Jamilla snorts.

“No loyalty, huh, Jamilla,” Mutta sounds hurt.

“Until the end of August,” Yousef says.

“What plans do you have that don’t involve us?” Mikael asks. “Huh, Elias?”

“It’s cool if your ‘plans’ join us, you know,” Adam says. “Totally cool.”

Sana nods at Yousef, about to ask if he’s excited for his trip, when he flicks his wrist at her. Suddenly, her vision is slightly impaired. She shakes her head, sticking her tongue out. Bits of grass slide off of her face and onto her neck and chest. She blinks, just looking at Yousef for a moment. She doesn’t know whether to be surprised, confused, or resigned; she’s not sure what her face is doing. Yousef just smiles back at her.

“Is everything okay?” He asks.

She nods quickly. “I’m just checking in.”

“Checking in?”

Mikael calls, “Yousef? It’s your turn, man.”

Yousef waves. “Let Jamilla take my turn.”

Mikael sounds outraged. “Bro!”

“Nah, nah, let her play,” Elias cackles.

“Oh, now that she’s gonna be on your team, that’s the answer?” Mikael groans.

Adam groans, “Why am I always the one who has to switch?”

Jamilla says, “Guys, I’m missing a stick, give me one.”

Sana hums. “I just. You know. I... ”

“You?” Yousef asks, gently.

“Okay, Mutta, which one do I hit?” Jamilla asks.

Mutta says, “Hit this one.”

“Gotcha,” Jamilla says.

Mutta tells her, “If you hit it, you’re good.”

“This is all new,” Sana says slowly. “Me and you, I mean. And I just want to make sure that it's going okay.”

Elias shouts gleefully. “You see? Lovely.”

“It’s beginner’s luck-” Adam starts.

“Well, good for me,” Elias taunts him.

“It’s not luck, I’m just amazing,” Jamilla responds.

“Going okay?” Yousef asks. 

Sana nods. “Hanging out, us with the guys and my friends and everyone all together…”

Adam says, “If you hit it now, you’re the king. If you hit it now, you win.”

“Okay…” Mikael says.

Yousef smiles. “Ah.”

“Ah?” Sana parrots.

Elias cheers, “We’ll take it!”

Mutta groans. It’s the first time you’re winning, so…”

“Don't hate the playa, hate the game,” Jamilla says.

“I’m worried too, you know, about how you and I are...” Yousef trails off. “It changes things. But it’s been good. I love hanging out with you. Just us, all our friends, whatever. It’s good, Sana.”

“I just… it’s always you and Elias, you know?” Sana sighs. “I don’t want to get in the way of your friendship.”

What she wants to say is that she’s worried there will come a point that Yousef will have to choose between her and Elias. That she knows healthy relationships exist and that they don’t have to be together all the time. But that there might come a point where he’ll have to choose between hanging out with her or his boys, or she’ll have to chose between him or her girls, and it’s just going to be messy. Anxious. Annoyed, even. She thinks of Vilde - _you all hang out without me and I have to be with Magnus_. Or even worst, maybe, is the thinking about what will happen of she and Yousef don’t work out. If it’s heartbreaking and terrible, and the Elias will have to choose between his sister and his best friend.

Yousef looks at her gently. “That won’t happen.”

“What if it does?”

Mikael says, “Let’s play another round.”

“Another round? Okay, one more,” Elias answers.

“If I hit it now, we’re eating at Balkan,” Mutta sounds mutinous.

“Then I’ll put us on a schedule.” Yousef’s giving her that grin again, the teasing one.

“A schedule?”

He nods. “I’m very good at them.”

“Are you now,” she says dryly.

Mikael shouts, “We won!”

Adam sounds relieved. “Ah, done now!”

Jamilla cuts in, arguing. “You said that one. That one-”

Mutta says, “Yeah yeah! That one, too!”

Yousef says, “I do all the scheduling at work. When they eat, playtime, naptime, learning time, outdoors time.”

“Okay.”

“So if we’re seeing too much of each other, or that’s getting in the way of our friends, or school, or anything,” he says, “I’ll put us in a time out.”

“A time out!” She has to purse her lips to keep from laughing.

“Yeah, Sana,” he says, eyes twinkling. “Don’t laugh, it’s very serious.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she says. “Okay.”

“Come on bro, throw it!” Elias yells.

 

+++

**Isak Valtersen**

**_[Today,_ ** _18:19 **]**_

Hey best bud

Can I ask you something?

You just did ;)

…

Isak

Seriously

Yeah, of course

You okay?

Even hangs out with you and the guys all the time right?

But it wasn’t like that when you first started dating

Because he wasn’t friends with your friends first, yeah?

Was it weird?

Having your boyfriend and your friends hanging out all the time?

I just feel like I don’t see good examples of that in relationships

Except between you two

Hmm

Well it was kind of at first

Because they knew Even just as my boyfriend, not their friend too

But everyone is so chill that it was awesome

If this is about you and Yousef I don’t think you have anything to worry about

How do you know that?

Well I know you

And you’re good at both keeping things separate and bringing people together

So once you find a rhythm with having a boyfriend and friends

You’ll be fine

Besides I saw everyone at Eva’s

My squad, your squad, Yousef’s squad

All basically one big squad at this point

Lol

But seriously don’t sweat it

Take it one day at a time

And if it becomes too much, talk to Yousef

And shuffle things around

Yeah

You give surprisingly good advice

Damn, Sana

You come to me for knowledge and then you diss me

</3

:)

You know Eskild called himself my guru once

Am I your guru now?

No

:’(

But I’m still your best bud, right?

Yes

:)

<3

 

+++

 

Sana yawns, lounging on the front steps of Nissen with Chris, Vilde, and Eva. Chris has her jean legs rolled up, trying to get some sun on her legs, a lollipop in her mouth. Vilde is cross-legged, slightly bent over a book on astronomy on her lap. Eva is laying flat on the steps, one leg hiked up three steps up. Her backpack pillows her head, dirty blonde hair spilling every which way. The bell rings inside the school, but nobody moves.

“I don’t know why you’re fixated on him, there’s no way he’s coming back,” Chris says.

“Yeah,” Eva says, eyes closed. “William’s back in London now, for good. He won’t bother Noora anymore.”

Vilde makes a distressed noise. “I just have a bad feeling in my tummy.”

“Maybe it was something you ate at lunch,” Chris says. “The tuna salad? It didn’t look good-”

“No, I mean that I can sense that something is wrong,” Vilde says.

Eva raises her head slightly, an incredulous look on her face. Sana catches her eyes, and they smirk at each other.

“Just like Sana could sense something was wrong with her magic hijab, right?” Eva cackles.

Sana says, “Vilde, I think you’re being overdramatic. First the diner, now this? Noora’s fine.”

Vilde gives her a dirty look. “You say that, but I don’t feel that-”

Chris clears her throat. “Okay, but how do you know for sure?”

Vilde jabs her finger onto her page. “This, right here! It says that ‘Mars in Libra natives don’t want to appear to be mean or unfair, but their aggression must come out in some form. They are masters of sneaky behavior and subterfuge.’”

“Sneaky behavior!” Sana tries to hold back her laugh. “Well then, should we call the police?”

“I’m just saying! Sure, we think that he’s gone back to London to lick his wounds after Noora dumping him, but we can’t know for sure.” Vilde gives her a wide-eyed look. “Remember what I said about his violent tendencies? Now that we know for sure that shady behavior is an inherent part of his personality-”

“Because he’s a native Libra Martian?” Chris asks, furrowing her brow.

“Yes! Well, no,” Vilde sighs. “You see, whatever sign your Mars is in dictates how you pursue someone you’re interested in. It’s all about anger, impulse and action-”

“Oh my God,” Eva mutters.

“- So I’m just saying, we need to keep a look out.” Vilde finishes.

Eva sits up. “Vilde, you’ve got to calm down. Why are you even reading about this astrology stuff, anyway?”

“Because, the secrets to our own souls and our futures are written in the stars,” Vilde says. “And if we want to live our best lives, we have to be proactive and seek this knowledge out-”

Chris interrupts, “It’s because when we went to the bookstore and Vilde asked the cute girl behind the counter ‘what sort of things are lesbians into,’ she gave her a bunch of books on astrology and succulents.”

“Succulents?” Eva raises her eyebrows.

Vilde sniffs. “They are low-maintenance plants-”

“Fucking hell, Vilde, just because you like girls doesn’t mean you have to buy a cactus,” Eva says. “Look at me and Noora-”

“Well, that’s different, you two already know what the other person likes,” Vilde says. “And obviously, not all lesbians like plants and the zodiac, but if I’m going to figure out myself, shouldn’t I at least learn more about new things? Especially things that are staples to the LGBT community?”

It’s quiet for a moment, and then Sana makes a noise of agreement. Eva shoots her a disbelieving look. Sana shrugs back at her, a smile playing on her face. Eva rolls her eyes and lies back down.

Chris rolls the lollipop around in her mouth and then says, “You think Mutta and I are a good match up, you know, according to our astrology signs?”

Vilde nods eagerly. “I’ve already done everyone’s natal chart, my next project is to do compatibility matches.”

Sana turns her head and catches a flash of blonde hair jogging towards school and up to them. She lifts her hand to wave at Noora. She scrunches her eyebrows as she takes in her friend’s appearance. She looks like she’s been through a tornado; her hair is in a topknot and half of her shirt isn’t tucked into her pants. Her phone is hanging out in her front shirt pocket. When she reaches the group, she bends over to kiss Eva before plopping down beside Sana, a few steps below her.

“Hi,” Sana says.

“Halla.”

“Where have you been?” Vilde asks. “Did William return to exact his revenge?”

Noora furrows her brows. “What? No. I was with Elias.”

“Elias?” Sana can’t help the surprised tone in her voice.

Eva yawns. “She’s been working as his assistant, remember? Learning the ropes of video editing and stuff.”

Noora nods, and then leans her head against Sana’s thigh. “We’ve been running around since eight this morning. Good thing I didn’t have to come in until this afternoon.”

“How’s the internship going?” Sana teases, smiling.

Noora grins up at her. “Really well, actually. Elias is super patient and didn’t care at all when I almost dropped his video camera in a fountain.”

“That’s great,” Chris says.

“Yeah, and we’re also trying out this technique where you take a photo of one thing by pretending to take a photo of another thing, to get candid shots.”

“What?” Eva asks.

“It’s like, you pretend that you’re taking a selfie, but you’re actually taking a photo of the person in front of you,” Noora says. “You get people in their natural element because they have no idea the camera’s on them.”

Chris lights up. “Yeah! Vilde and I used to do that all the time, when we saw a cute guy in the street but didn’t want to seem weird taking a photo of a stranger.”

“Right, because it’s only weird when they know you’re taking the picture,” Sana raises an eyebrow.

“Exactly.”

“Anyway, it was great,” Noora says. “And next time we meet, he’s gonna show me how to start editing, like adding music and cutting things together.”

“Soon you’ll have like, a feature-length film out,” Chris says. “Some dark and gritty documentary about… I don’t know....”

Vilde says, “Teenage life in Oslo?”

Eva snorts. “Yeah, like anyone would want to watch that.”

Noora laughs. “No, but it’s just cool. I didn’t know what I was doing before, but now I’m really starting to understand this whole other side to storytelling, basically. It’s cool. And I think Elias learned a lot of this stuff at Bakka.”

Chris says, “Yeah, Mutta told me that they all were studying filmmaking pretty intensely, though he did some music. And Yousef did dance, of course.”

Noora pokes Sana in the thigh. “Speaking of Yousef. How’s it going with him?”

“Okay,” Sana says slowly. “I saw him yesterday-”

Chris reaches over and slaps her shoulder. “You went on a date and you didn’t tell us!”

“Where did he take you?” Vilde asks, closing the book in her lap.

Sana blinks for a moment, and then a wide smile spreads across her mouth at the eager looks on all of her friends’ faces. She shifts on the stairs, feeling incredibly silly for just a moment.

“It wasn’t a date, he was hanging out with the guys in our backyard,” Sana says.

Noora pushes her knee. “What? Sana!”

“What?”

“Did he ask you out?” she asks. “Make any plans?”

“Uhm,” Sana says, “No.”

Her girls collectively groan.

“Are you sure that was even Yousef you saw?” Eva asks.

Sana rolls her eyes. “Yeah. We talked about a lot of stuff. Going slowly-”

“Slowly? Jesus Sana, any more slow than you’ve already been and you’re basically a glacier,” Chris moans.

Vilde starts flipping through her book again, clearing her throat loudly. “Now, Sana. Even though your Venus is in Scorpio, there is no need to give into your kneejerk emotions. Even though you thought Yousef deceived you in love, you don’t have to hold onto that bitterness-”

“Vilde, shh!” Sana says, rolling her eyes.

Noora asks, “Vilde, what the hell did you just say?”

“It says right here that those with Venus in Scorpio ‘will become bitter if disappointed or deceived in love’-” Vilde starts.

Sana laughs. “Nie, Vilde, that’s - that’s not what we’re moving slowly.”

Eva sits up again, concern on her face. “Are your feelings for him changing? Well, that's okay too. You don’t have to date him if you’re not in love-”

Sana reminds herself that she loves her friends and they’re only trying to support her, even if they won’t let her get a word in edgewise.

“No, no, that’s not it. I’m still in love with him-”

“Ah!” Chris screeches, taking her lollipop out of her mouth and pointing it at Sana. “You admitted it! You love Yousef!”

“Can the bridesmaid dresses be in pink?” Vilde asks, grinning. “I look great in pink-”

Noora laughs, her shoulders shaking against Sana’s legs. “It seems like just yesterday we were in the bathroom, and you were denying how truly, madly, deeply your love for him ran-”

“Okay, okay, stop,” Sana waves her hands around, trying not to burst into laughter. “Okay, look. We’re taking it slowly because this is a change in the relationship, okay? That doesn’t only affect us, if we start dating.”

“When you start dating,” Chris corrects her.

Eva says, “Sana. I hear you, I really do. Remember all my drama with Sara and Ingrid freshman year, because I was dating Jonas? I know relationships can be complicated and messy. But it’s you and Yousef. You guys know each other so well and like - love - each other so much. You can handle all the worries that come with like, friend groups and dating.”

“Yeah,” Noora grins. “And if you get worried, just follow mine and Eva’s lead. We’re gonna be a model for people everywhere for how to go from friends to lovers.”

They high five each other, and Sana tries not to laugh.

“Besides, Sana, life is now!” Eva grins.

“Okay, okay!” she says.

Noora tells her, “Look, no more excuses, no more procrastinating! You’re getting stuck in your head instead of acting. But you know what? Now life is smiling. Now we can do anything we want.”

“Fuck yes!” Chris says. “You should put that on a motivation mug or a poster or something.”

“With a cat on it,” Vilde adds.

Sana takes a deep breath, placing her palms on her knees. She knows that Noora is a little bit right, at least. That she tends to overthink things, and that, especially with Yousef, she’s made a lot of assumptions instead of just trusting in the both of them. And she’s trying, she really is. She knows she’s made great strides already, especially compared to how lonely, miserable and self-hating she had been earlier in the spring. But sometimes acting isn’t as easy as it should be, no matter how right it feels. She almost laughs. She knows, deep in her heart, she moves slowly when it comes to her own feelings. And she’s starting to realize more and more that she’s okay with that. Because she finds the words and she opens up, eventually.

Though it is incredibly nice to have friends that push her along when they think she’s moving too slowly.

“Fine,” she says.

“Fine?” Noora’s eyes widen, and then she claps. “Fine, good!”

“Text him now!” Vilde says. “Ask him on a date!”

“Right now?” Sana raises her eyebrows.

“Yeah girl, you got it!” Chris says.

Sana makes a big show of taking her cell phone out of her pocket, opening up her messages. She doesn’t have far to scroll before she reaches Yousef’s name. She can feel the loving and expectant gazes of her friends on her face. Her thumbs hover over the screen, unsure of what to type.

“Sana, oh my God,” Eva groans. “You know he already likes you! He’s obviously gonna say yes!”

“Yeah, you text him at 3:02, he responds at 3:01,” Chris starts laughing.

“Okay!” Sana feels her face heat slightly. “It’s just - well, what do I say? I’ve never asked anyone out before.”

“Just write, ‘do you want to go on a date with me on Friday?’” Noora says.

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, that’s it!” Noora gives her a faux-annoyed look. “Sana, I swear, if you don’t type that right now, I’ll write it myself and hit send. And I’ll add a bunch of sparkly heart emojis. I’m not kidding!”

“Fine!” Sana says, shaking her head with a smile on her face. She quickly types out the message, not even checking to make sure she doesn’t have any typos before she sends it.

“Yes!” Vilde pumps her hand in the air. “Good.”

“Oh my God,” Sana says.

Sana’s phone goes off before anyone else can say anything, with four quick chimes all in succession.

“Yossi has got it so bad for you,” Vilde starts laughing.

Before Sana can react, all of the girls begin moving around her. Noora leans over Sana’s lap, her blonde head blocking the screen. Eva scoots closer and Vilde almost tumbles down the stairs trying to see Sana’s phone as well. Chris stands up, hovering over Sana, blocking the sun out. Sana tries to maneuver her hands around to bring her phone closer so she can see, but then Noora is taking it out of her hand and shrieking with laughter.

“What did he say?” Chris asks.

“I’d like to know that too,” Sana says, giving Noora an unimpressed look.

Noora clears her throat. “It says ‘Of course we can go on our date’ with four exclamation points. And then it says ‘When do you want to meet up?’ and ‘Where?’ and the last text says ‘I’ll meet you wherever you’d like.’”

The phone goes off again in Noora’s hands.

“And now he’s sent three red hearts,” Noora grins.

Sana pulls her phone back from Noora, grinning from ear to ear as all of her friends make ‘awwh’ing noises. They settle back into their seats and Sana’s fingers flex over her phone, heart pounding. She can’t stop smiling, and at this point, she doesn’t even want to.

“Answer him back!” Vilde says. “What are you going to say? Where are you going to take him?”

“Vilde!” Sana says. “You literally just saw me do this, spur of the moment! I don’t even have anything planned!”

Eva leans over. “Tell him you’ll send him details soon, and you’re excited to hang out with him then.”

“Okay, okay,” Sana says, typing out the message.

“Add a smiley face,” Chris says.

“See, that wasn’t so hard,” Noora says. “Everything is falling into place now!”

Sana’s phone goes off immediately, and her heart flips when she sees the text. _I can’t wait to have an amazing time with you_.

“You know what? To celebrate, we should skip,” Noora says. “Everyone in?”

“Yeah, of course,” Chris says automatically. “Though I think we already are.”

“Class started a long time ago,” Vilde says.

“Is that true? Oh, well. That’s it, then.” Noora shrugs, seemingly unphased. “I always thought it’d be more difficult, skipping.”

Sana snorts. “Yeah.”

“But this feels very natural,” Noora says. “Maybe because we deserve it.”

“Yeah,” Sana says, winking. “Because we’ve been so good all year.”

Eva grins. “That must be it.”

 

+++

 

**Yousef Acar**

**_[Today,_ ** _14:28 **]**_

Do you want to go on a date with me on Friday?

Of course we can go on our date!!!!

When do you want to meet up?

Where?

I’ll meet you wherever you’d like

<3 <3 <3

I’ll message you the details soon

I’m excited to hang out :)

I can’t wait to have an amazing time with you

 **_[Today,_ ** _16:03 **]**_

Also I wasn’t joking about the flowers

Or the chocolate

Haha

Sana

I said I WASN’T joking

 **_[Today,_ ** _16:21 **]**_

My favorite kind of chocolate is white chocolate

I’m not bringing you white chocolate

Why not?

It’s not real chocolate

What?

???

Yes it is

It’s right in the name

Chocolate comes from the bean of the cacao plant

That breaks down into chocolate liquor, cocoa butter and cocoa powder

Okay....

Chocolate liquor is the ground or melted nib of the bean

Cocoa butter is the fat component of the bean

Cocoa powder is the non-fat part of the bean

Okay???

Cocoa butter + cocoa powder + sugar = dark chocolate

Cocoa butter + cocoa powder + sugar + milk solids = milk chocolate

Cocoa butter + sugar + milk solids = white chocolate

Wait

So because white chocolate doesn’t have cocoa powder

Just cocoa butter

You think it’s “fake”???

Not just me

And yes

To make white chocolate you remove the cocoa bean solids

The liquor and the powder

Without those all you have is the butter

Which is just fatty content

All of the good and healthy parts of chocolate are taken out

Healthy???

White chocolate doesn’t have flavanol antioxidants

Real chocolate does

Flavanol antioxidants are good for your heart and lowers blood pressure

White chocolate is just empty calories and saturated fats

...Fine

But it’s delicious

Not more delicious that dark chocolate

Dark chocolate is so bitter!

I like it as black as my clothes

:)

I’ll keep that in mind

;)

 **_[Today,_ ** _17:02 **]**_

You say white chocolate has no health benefits

But did you know white chocolate has no caffeine?

So?

Real chocolate helps to lower the hormone levels that cause anxiety

Also did you just Google that?

No

Yes

<3

<3

 

+++

 

Sana leans against the kitchen counter, her mother crowded in close next to her. She has her phone in her hand, showing her all the Facebook photo album of Eva’s party. A pile of carrots sits on the countertop, waiting to be peeled. Music plays low on the radio; it’s on one of the Arabic stations that play all of the old songs that her parents grew up listening to.

Sana feels as though she’s as weightless as the specs swirling around in the sunlight streaming through the window. It’s nice, sharing her life and her friends with her mother. She still feels moments of hesitation as they look through some of the photos - an image of Eskild popping the six litre champagne bottle makes her mother raise an eyebrow - but overall it’s just fun.

Her mother studies all of the photos, asking questions, like she’s committing everything about Sana’s friends to memory. But it’s not annoying or intrusive, like Sana would’ve felt even months ago. Instead, Sana appreciates how interested her mother is in her friends. She smiles at the pleased, genuine look on her mother’s face as she swipes to the next photo. It’s Noora, laughing as Eva smears cake frosting across her face.

“Does Noora always wear that red lipstick?”

Sana nods. “Basically, yeah. It’s like her thing.”

“It’s a lovely color,” her mother says. “It would look beautiful on you!”

Sana smiles. “Thanks, Mama.”

“She’s a very kind girl. And Elias says that she’s learning very quickly, with the video camera.”

“Yeah, she said she likes working with him,” Sana says.

Her mother pauses for a moment. “Do you think that...”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think your brother might be interested in her? Romantically?”

Her mother’s voice is neutral, but Sana’s heart stutters all the same. She stares down at the picture of Noora and Eva, unsure of what to say. Did Elias say something that would make her think that? Or was she trying to play matchmaker? Sana blearily remembers her mother constantly dropping hints about how cute Jamilla was around Amir for months before he asked her out.

“Uh...” Sana licks her lips, pausing.

“I only ask because they’ve been spending a lot of time together, and he seems fond of her-”

“Mama-”

“-But I don’t think he knows that she is… romantically interested in women.”

Sana almost chokes on her spit. “Mama!”

Her mother gives her a patient look. “Yes?”

“How-” Sana raises her eyebrows, flabbergasted. “How would you even know that?”

Her mother puts her arm around her shoulders and gives her a gentle squeeze. “I was not born yesterday, my love. I know what it means when two girls kiss each other-”

“Kiss?” Sana furrows her brow. “Eh? Who - when did you see Noora kissing someone?”

Mama pulls away slightly, face surprised. “When you had the girls over for dinner? Noora and your friend Eva kissed outside of the house. I saw them from the window.”

Sana tries not to laugh. “I can’t believe this.”

“My love, I thought you knew,” her mother begins to frown. “I should not have said anything-”

“No! No, Mama, I know about Eva and Noora,” Sana says. “They’re dating now. Girlfriends. I just can’t believe you knew before me! Noora didn’t tell me officially until Chris’s party.”

Her mother smiles. “Ah, I see.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s wonderful when a relationship can blossom from a friendship,” her mother says.

Sana smiles. “Yes. Though, Mama...”

“Hmm?”

“You’ve got to stop creeping from the window!”

Her mother laughs. “Creeping? No, I’m just… enjoying the wonderful view. It’s you young people who happen to be in my line of sight.”

“Yeah, okay, Mama,” Sana grins.

Sana swipes her thumb across the screen to the next picture. Chris and Mutta are in the middle of the dance floor, clinking their glasses together. Chris’s eyes are closed, in the middle of laughing; Mutta is staring at her like he’s never seen anyone like her before.

“And here’s Chris and Mutta,” her mother says.

“Yeah,” Sana says. “They’ve been seeing each other too.”

“Have they?”

“Yup.”

“They’re very well suited, I think,” her mother says. “They are both very full of life.”

“Yeah, I think they have a lot of fun together.”

“And Chris is so pretty, Mutta is very lucky indeed.”

Sana grins. “Yeah, Chris is beautiful.”

She’s about to swipe to the next photo when a message from Yousef pops up on her screen. It’s an image of Spongebob Squarepants, of all things; Sana vaguely recognizes it from a short video that Chris made her watch, where he just says, “don’t you Squidward” over and over again. There’s text over the bottom of the image, which says, _when the girl you like on finally asks you out on a date_. Sana feels herself flush slightly, and her mother makes a soft clucking noise. Another message from him pops up. This time it’s just a text. _Can’t wait to see you Friday night._

Sana clears her throat and jams her thumb on the screen, closing out the message. She has no idea what to say, and her mother just stands beside her, looking as though she’s trying not to laugh. Even though she does want to share what’s happening between her and Yousef with her mother, it’s an entirely different thing to have her mom see the silly memes that he sends her. Sana pauses for a moment, lips parting slightly. But instead of saying anything, she just swipes over to the next photo, of Vilde in the middle of jumping.

“Uhm, and here’s Vilde,” Sana says.

“What is that in her hair?” her mother says, amusement evident in her voice.

“It’s a flower crown,” Sana says. “She wears them a lot, for special occasions.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, like on holidays, birthdays...”

“It’s very nice,” her mother says.

Sana nods, and then takes a deep breath. She locks her phone, and turns to look at her mother fully. She’s staring down at her already, eyes kind and laughing.

“Mama...”

“Hmm?”

“I like Yousef,” Sana says. “And… I asked him out on a date.”

Her mother smiles. “And he said yes?”

Sana nods. “We’ve… hung out a few times. Mostly just with our friends, though. This is the first… real date.”

“That’s exciting!” her mother says.

Some of the anxiety eases from Sana’s shoulders. “Yeah, I’m really happy.”

“Yousef is a good man,” her mother says. “He’s kind, and funny. And… doesn’t he also know how to cook?”

Sana laughs. “Yeah, Mama, he does.”

“Ah,” her mother says. “And you’re right. He is good looking.”

Sana glances her at her mother, who just places her arm around her again and squeezes. Sana leans her head against her, thinking back to just a few weeks ago, when the two of them had been in bed, talking about Yousef. She feels herself smiling again, the memory rolling around in her head. When her mother had said, _He’s perfect for you!_ Sana truly didn’t know how right that ended up being.

“Mama?” she asks.

“Hmm?”

“When you first met Baba, did you know right away you wanted to marry him?”

Her mother doesn’t laugh, like Sana was slightly worried she might. Instead, she tilts her head and looks back at Sana, eyes considering.

“Sana,” she says carefully, “You’re only seventeen years old. You don’t have to worry about getting married yet.”

Something in the wording makes Sana pause. “Huh?”

“I love Jamilla. She is my other daughter,” her mother says. “But just because she and Amir got engaged young doesn’t mean you -”

“Mama, I don’t mean that I want to get married now,” Sana interrupts. “I meant - well, like in three years, or something-”

“Three years? When you’re just twenty?” her mother raises her eyebrows.

“I would definitely say yes,” Sana blurts out.

“Ah,” her mother says, softly.

Sana wants to hide her face in her mother’s shoulder like she’s a child again. Instead she just scrunches her nose slightly, blinking up at her.

“So I guess… I just want to know how it felt for you, about Baba. How you knew you were in love with him.”

Her mother is quiet for a few moments.

“When I was young… it was easy for me to confuse crushes with love. But what I’ve learned is that while crushes pass, love and a marriage are things that last a whole lifetime. It’s almost like… like a cooperation, where you give all the love inside of you to that cooperation.”

“Hmm,” Sana says.

“With your father… I knew that he was someone that would be by my side my whole life, no matter what would happen. Especially when it came to faith.”

“Faith?”

She nods. “Yes. It would be very lonely to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t believe as I do. And I think you’re very similar, in that way. Your faith is so strong.”

“Yeah,” Sana says softly.

“I have had many times in my life where I’ve doubted everything, even Allah. And your father has always been there, by my side, to remind me of why I’m a Muslim and who understands what I believe in. He always brings me back and centers me, helps me to understand all over again how beautiful Islam is and how precious life can be through Allah.” her mother pauses. “Do you understand?”

Sana nods slowly, thinking about all the conversations she’s had with Yousef. It’s not only that she thinks they will be able to support each other in the future, but how they’ve already done so now. She hears Yousef’s voice in her head - _I just - I want you to know how much I really hear what you say to me. And that it really helped to get me thinking_ \- and feels a rush of affection, knowing that she has been for him what her father has been for her mother. But she also thinks about how just talking to him about Islam has helped her, too. With every conversation they’ve had, it hasn’t been a test of her faith, but a reaffirmation of it. Even when he doubted, it didn’t make her doubt herself.

“I do understand,” she says, finally.

Her mother beams down at her. Before she can say anything else, the house phone rings on the counter top. Her mother kisses the top of her head and then grabs the cordless phone. She answers, saying hello in Arabic, before stepping out of the kitchen. Sana watches her for a moment, laughing in the living room. Then she unlocks her cell and sends Yousef a string of smiley face and heart emojis.

 

+++

 

**THU JUNE 15, 21:35**

_Chris_

Yo girls

What about test-driving the van Sunday?

I know it’s not Russ Time 2018 yet but a little trip has to be fine?

 

_Vilde_

YEEEES!!!

 

Sounds cool

 

_Eva_

And then we can grill Sana all about her date with Yousef :)))

 

_Noora_

YEEES!

 

_Vilde_

Yossi! Yossi! Yossi!

Do you think he’ll bring you flowers again?

That was really sweet

 

_Chris_

Let’s bet on it

10k says he brings flowers again

 

_Noora_

20k says he hires a band to serenade her

 

_Eva_

30k says he gets down on one knee ;)

 

You guys are a mess

No wonder my mom worries that I don’t have any Muslim friends

Besides Jamilla

 

_Chris_

A mess that loves you and Yousef

 

_Noora_

Hahaha

You know what I think Jamilla would say?

“40k says he’s already placed a down payment on a house for him, Sana and their 12 children”

 

We’re not having 12 children!!!

 

_Chris_

You say that now

But wait until you’re Mrs. Bakkoush-Acar

 

_Eva_

Bow chika wow wow ;)

 

...Maybe six kids

A basketball team

 

_Eva_

There’s five people on a basketball team

 

Well

We’d need six just in case one of them gets hurt

_Chris_

SANA OMG

WTF

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

_Vilde_

That’s so morbid!!

 

_Noora_

I don’t know

I think it makes sense

:)

 

+++

 

Sana gets up a bit early to sit on her balcony, enjoying watching the sunrise in its entirety. It’s so beautiful and the warmth is so radiant that she doesn’t yawn once, even though she’s still tired. But it’s a good kind of exhaustion, she things.

She ends up praying outside, enjoying the fresh air and gentle breeze to move back indoors. As she goes through the ritual, it feels like everything inside of her has woken up. She thinks a little bit on how difficult it had been to pray, how much it had just felt like going through the motions, when she was in her darkest periods this past year. It’s such a change to now. Where she doesn’t feel so alone and helpless, where she has become a better communicator with her friends, with Allah, and with herself.

She brings her fingers up to her lips, keeping her eyes closed as the sun beats down on her face.

“Please accept my fast and continue to guide me with your love and wisdom, especially when I’ve been behaving badly.” she smiles. “Please watch over Eva and Vilde and Noora and Chris. Please watch over Isak and Even and Jamilla and Amir and Elias and Yousef.”

She sits outside for a little bit longer, the excitement over her date with Yousef simmering. She almost doesn’t notice her father and Elias walking into the backyard, gardening tools in their arms. She watches as the pull on thick gardener’s gloves and dorky sun hats; Sana has to stop herself from snapping a photo of Elias to share with her friends. Together, they move to start trimming some of the bushes around the edge of the backyard.

As they work, Elias speaks in a low voice, so soft that Sana can’t hear it from where she’s sitting. Their father has his face turned towards him, nodding carefully and interrupting with questions every so often, voice just as faint. Even though Sana can’t hear anything they’re saying, she wonders if she should go back inside. It feels a bit like she’s spying on something private.

She gets up to leave when they move directly below her, and she can hear her parts of the conversation.

“I felt the same way when I was your age. And I had to do a lot of things I didn’t want in order to support my siblings,” her father says.

“I know. But didn’t you move here so that Amir, Sana and I wouldn’t have to make those kinds of choices? Baba, I love and respect you and Mama so much. But you say that you want us to have a better life, to be brave enough to follow who we really are. I can’t do that when I feel… like I’m always being compared to Amir and Sana. Sometimes it feels like I’m so different from them and you and Mama, it’s like I’m not even part of this family.”

Her father sighs, and then his voice is gentle. “Elias, we would never want you to feel this way. You are so special! It is your differences that make it so. There is nothing about you I would change.”

“Nothing?”

Her father’s voice is firm. “Not one thing.”

As quietly as she can, Sana goes back into her room, shutting the door softly behind her.

 

+++

 

Sana changes her outfit three times before finally deciding on pairing her New York jacket with a bunch of grays. She looks into the mirror, smiling back at her own reflection. She always thought black was the color that suited her best, but this, she thinks. This works too.

 

+++

 

When they meet up by the pier, Sana can’t stop smiling at Yousef. As they walk, it’s like their bodies are attracted to each other like magnets, no matter how much distance they put between themselves. The backs of hands brushing, elbows gently knocking, little shoulder checks - Sana’s entire body buzzes with excitement.

They’re mostly quiet, beyond saying hello to each other, almost shyly. But it doesn’t feel uncomfortable, in those first few minutes. It’s easy and sweet, just existing in each other's spaces. Sana knows that it’s not the fanciest or the most lavish date that they could be having, but she doesn’t care. She’s just so damn happy, from the tips of her toes to the top of her head, to finally be with Yousef. She holds onto the feeling, not allowing her brain to chide her heart for waiting so long to ask him out.

Then, the mood shifts slightly as Yousef turns to her, a glint in his eyes. She pushes on her arm and then sprints away without saying a word. She stares after him, furrowing her brow. He stops few feet away when she doesn’t chase him, turning back around. He grins at her, raising his eyebrows like a challenge. She cocks her head, giving him the same look she had when he walked her home after depositing Elias at Noora’s. _Wow, tough girl_.

And then she’s laughing and running after him.

She tags his shoulder - fingers pushing in gently but with purpose, with so many feelings and intent behind it - and then runs off. She hears his quick footsteps behind her, laughing breathlessly. It’s like they’re kids again, chasing each other around the pier. Straight up fun courses through Sana’s muscles, like when they played basketball together. She hops down the long, flat steps, zigzagging and trying not to get caught.

Yousef does a complicated twist, like he’s break dancing, and catches up to her. The palm of his hand presses into her lower back, making her blush. Then, it’s gone as soon as it’s there and he’s jumping off of the steps. He jogs backwards alongside the waterfront. He twerks his eyebrows at her, shooting her a bemused, challenging look, before she bounds after him again.

 

+++

 

They end up near a small patch of shore, dark sand shifting beneath their feet. Sana stands with her hands on her hips, trying to catch her breath without bursting into laughter. She’s more winded than she might be, if she weren’t fasting. But she doesn’t feel too bad as Yousef stands beside her, eyes sparkling, as he gulps down air. Once she’s caught her breath she bends down, looking at all the rocks and shells on the shore. Yousef squats next to her.

“I haven’t played tag in years,” she tells him after licking her lips.

“I used to be tag champion on the playground,” he says.

“Oh, yeah?”

He nods. “My favorite game was freeze tag. I rarely got caught because even back then, when I was six or seven, I loved dancing. So even when someone was about to catch me, I would just like, flip away or something.”

Sana laughs. “I hated freeze tag. I felt like I was always one of the first ones frozen, and I’d have to stand there for so long.”

“I would’ve unfrozen you,” Yousef says.

“No, I bet you would’ve been the one to tag me in the first place,” she teases.

He shakes his head. “I hated being ‘it.’ Always too much pressure. If you tag your friends they get mad at you. But if they don’t you basically lose.”

Sana laughs. “Ah, yes. A moral dilemma.”

“I’m serious!” he says. “That’s how I lost my first best friend, Abdul. We pinky promised to never tag each other but then one day...”

“You broke your pinky promise?” Sana’s lips turn up. “That is the worse kind of betrayal, Yousef.”

He sighs dramatically. “I know.”

“I can’t even look at you right now, wow.”

“Abdul never forgave me, either. When his family moved to Tromsø just a few weeks later, he didn’t even let me have one of the goodbye cupcakes his mom baked for the class.”

“How tragic,” Sana says, trying to keep a straight face.

He flicks some water at her. “To this day, it’s something that eats at me from the inside.”

Sana scoops her hand into the water, splashing it up at him. He sputters, caught off guard. Sana laughs as she tries to wipe his face off. A swan that had been watching them from a few feet away waddles closer to them, like it’s trying to figure out what they’re doing.

“That’s for Abdul,” Sana grins.

“Of course you would be on his side and not mine!” she can see his grin behind his hand. “I think that’s unfair because it’s me you’re on the date with now, aren’t you?”

“Pinky promises are sacred,” Sana tells him.

“Oh, are they? I don’t remember anything in Quran saying that.”

“It’s in there, trust me,” Sana says loftily.

Yousef scoffs, and then rubs at his eyes. “Ouch, I think it got in my eye.”

“It’s just water!”

He brings his hands down. “You should kiss it and make it bett - ah!”

He jumps away, scrambling back up the sand. Sana half-raises, confused, and she follows his line of sight. It takes her a moment to realize he’s staring at the swan, lazily swimming close by, in horror. Sana bursts into laughter, having to hold onto her sides in order to stop from toppling over. Yousef swears, and then places his hand over his chest.

“Why didn’t you tell me? That sucks! Sana! Sana, why didn’t you tell me that thing was so close?”

Sana is laughing too hard to answer him.

“It could’ve bit my finger, you know. I’m scared! I’m terrified of those things-”

“It’s just a swan!” she cackles.

“- And it was just suddenly there!” he shakes his head. “Do you know how many people are attacked by swans each year?”

“One?”

He ignores her smirk. “A couple of years ago, these two swans maliciously attacked this guy in his boat and drowned him, you know.”

Sana rolls her eyes. “That’s sad for that man, but honestly, Yousef, you’re on dry land-”

“You don’t know what it’s capable of,” Yousef says.

He says, “okay, look, it’s gonna attack me at any moment-”

“I’ll protect you,” Sana smiles.

He says, “Yeah you better! I know I look tough, but I’m actually really scared right now. I’m only tough cause you’re here.”

 

+++

 

They wander over towards one of the outdoor showers, some wooden thing geometrically designed to make the pier look nicer. Sana is only half paying attention to what Yousef is saying - something about how the wooden spokes remind him of a log cabin - as she trails her fingers down the pipe. Her palm lands on the nozzle, and she briefly thinks about pressing it, just as a prank. She wonders if that would be a bit too mean, on a first date.

“Watch out, or it’ll go off,” Yousef tells her. “Don’t press the button.”

Sana smirks up at him, deciding it wouldn’t be too mean at all.

“Oh, this button?” she asks, pretending to lean in closer.

Yousef leans down. “Yeah, that butt-”

Sana slaps her hand against it and jumps away, laughing hysterically. Yousef stumbles backwards, lurching upright to avoid the spray. He gives her a surprised, calculated look, water splashing onto his jacket and sneakers.

“Sorry,” she giggles. “I thought you say, ‘do press the button.’”

“Oh, that’s what you thought I said, huh?” he smirks at her.

She inches a little bit closer to the shower, and he flicks some water at her. She bounces back, still laughing, as he keeps trying to get sprinkles of water all over her.

“Oh, look, there’s a spider here, Sana!” he says.

“Oh yeah? Where?”

“Right here, underneath the pipe,” he grins at her, hand hovering over the button.

“Yeah, I’ll just trust you on that one,” she grins.

He narrows his eyes a bit, flashing his teeth at her. He moves back, and gestures for her to come forward. She hovers just outside of the spray zone, hands on her hips as she looks back at him challengingly.

“Oh, you trust me?” his eyes spark.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I’m gonna see how much you trust me. Just stand here,” he gestures underneath the shower. “I’m gonna see if you trust me.”

“If I trust you?”

“Yeah, I’m waiting,” he says.

He moves back to sit down, but jumps as soon as his butt touches the wood. He lets out a surprised huff, and tells her that it’s wet. She laughs in his face, about to tease him about that as well, when he crouches onto the bench instead, balancing his weight onto it.

“Come on, stand there. Right underneath it,” he tells her.

“Why should I stand there?”

“It’s a test of whether you trust me or not,” he says. “Don’t you trust me?”

He looks as though he’s trying to keep his face serious, but small grins keep breaking through the facade anyway. Sana’s pulse speeds up, and she takes a few slow steps towards him and the shower. She gives him a pointed look, daring him to press down on the button, as she moves completely under the showerhead. Then, still looking into her eyes, Yousef’s hand shoots out towards the button. She jerks backwards, laughing. He gestures her forward again, but before she can move, he’s teasing her again, acting like he’s gonna hit the button.

“Don’t move!” she tells him. “Look, I’ll stand there, but-”

He holds his finger up to quiet her, grinning.

“Listen, here’s an even better game, okay. I’m gonna go like this-” his hand hovers over the button. “-And you’ll stand there for at least ten seconds. Come on.”

She snorts. “No!”

“Yes!” he winks. “I’ll count out loud. I promise, I’ll count out loud.”

She hesitates, rubbing her hands onto her chin as she thinks. She’s having so much fun, but she really doesn’t want to get wet. And she’s not sure if Yousef is really just messing with her or if he really is about to douse her.

“Stand there,” he urges her. “Come on...”

She purses her lips to mask her smile and moves closer towards the shower again. His hand strokes the button slightly, long fingers grazing against the wood. She feels super jittery; she can’t stop fidgeting, even when she looks into his eyes and sees him already staring back at her.

“You’re looking at me, now,” he says. “Come on. Trust me.”

She takes a step back. “Okay, but you’ll have to as well.”

He looks at her for a moment, and then nods. “Okay, we’ll stand together.”

He gets out of his crouch, moving to stand directly underneath the showerhead. He comes in, much closer than she was expecting him to. She can see the small spot on his chin and all of his eyelashes.

“Look, I’m standing here,” he says. “I dared to. Come on.”

She steps into his space, and he smiles at her, soft and content. She swings her arm around and pretends to press the button, laughing as he jerks back and a surprised look crosses his face. She moves forward, almost stepping on his toes, as she smiles up into his face.

He grins. “Alright, alright. Look, I’m not doing anything.”

“Uh-huh,” she says.

“There’s no stress!” he insists. “Now, it’s your turn. It’s about trust.”

“Okay,” she says. “I’m standing here.”

“Ten seconds,” he tells her, moving back.

She nods, keeping her eyes on his. Her heart jackrabbits, and she keeps expecting to be doused in cold water.

“One, two, three-”

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees his hand twitch and she jumps back. She swings her arms out, trying to catch her breath as Yousef stands there laughing at her, hand still hovering over the button.

“Come on, Sana, you can do it-”

He moves forward towards her, standing right underneath the showerhead. Sana darts forward, pretending to press on the button again, and then jumps back. Yousef twists away, almost tripping over his feet as he tries to get away. He half turns as Sana laughs again, almost doubled-over. When she looks up at him, he seems almost surprised that the shower isn’t running. He pushes his hair out of his face, shaking his head at her. He moves back underneath the shower, lifting his head in a challenge.

“You’re supposed to be standing here,” he says to her.

Sana inches back towards the shower. Yousef stands there calmly, his hand hovering over the button. Sana brings her arm up, hand sliding underneath Yousef’s, the cold metal of the button pressing into her palm.

“Come on, Press it,” he says, smiling down at her. “You gonna do it?”

“Ten seconds?” she asks, moving so close that her jacket brushes against his.

“Ten seconds,” he says.

His hand closes her hers slightly; it’s warm and dry and a little bit rough. They look at each other, barely moving. Yousef smiles softly, and then does a slow, even count to ten. Sana can feel his breath on her face.

“Ten,” he says.

“Okay, so we trust each other,” she replies.

“Yeah, we do,” he says, tilting his head down.

Her breath hitches as his face comes closer to hers. She’s about to agree with him again, brain scrambling slightly with how close he is to her, when his hand moves against her.

She barely has enough time to twist out of the way as his palm slams into the button, causing the shower to start again. She can feel some water hitting the back of her jacket and she laughs, surprised. She backs away from him, walking backwards, pointing at him and calling him a cheater. Yousef just grins down at her, moving around her to sling his arms around her shoulders and walk her away from the spray.

 

+++

 

The countdown to Maghrib together, laughing and singing as the sun goes down. Yousef begins to hum something - Sana is pretty sure it’s the theme song to _Rocky_ \- and they throw their hands in the air. He begins to dance, bobbing his head and moving his hands around like he’s conducting an orchestra. Sana watches him, grinning at the pure fun that’s written all over his face.

“That was a sick remix, wasn’t it?” he asks her.

She nods at him, before pulling a bottle of water out of her bag. She knocks it back, chugging it and closing her eyes. No matter how hungry she is, the first drink after fasting is always her favorite part. She feels Yousef’s hands gently on her shoulder, telling her to go slowly; but she keeps chugging until she’s ready.

“Ah,” she says, opening her eyes when she’s done.

He’s staring at her with a soft, gentle smile on her face. “Was it good?”

She nods, and then takes another drink. “Really good.”

He chuckles at her. “Are you hungry?”

She nods again. “Starving, actually. You wanna go and buy some food? I think there’s a few place-”

He cuts her off, brows furrowed. “Don’t you think I brought food?”

She pauses, face scrunching before she answers. “You brought food?”

He looks outraged, but she knows it’s just for fun. “Of course I brought food. I’m not going on a date with a girl who’s been fasting for 19 hours without bringing food! Don’t make me throw you into the water! Seriously! Of course I brought food. I’m Yousef.”

She giggles. “Awww.”

He covers his face with one hand. “Don’t ‘awww’ me. Seriously, I told you, I get really awkward. I can’t even look at you-”

Sana cuts him off. “So, that’s what the backpack is for?”

He beams at her. “Yeah.”

 

+++

 

They end up sitting right on the pier, the only two still out. It’s a little chilly for a late spring night, but Sana doesn’t mind. The soup that Yousef had brought is delicious and spicy, even though it’s not hot. He shifts, moving even closer to her, until their thighs touch. Sana hums, spooning some into her mouth.

“Right?” Yousef smiles.

“Did you make this yourself?” she asks.

“No.” He shakes his head. “I wish it were me, but it was my mom.”

She takes another spoonful. “What did she put in it?”

He winks. “It’s a secret recipe.”

“Ah, okay,” she laughs.

“No, it’s this sick recipe. She used to make it all of the time when I was a kid, you know? And had to stay home from school.” he smiles. “But she only ever makes it when someone has a cold.”

Sana asks, “Is everyone okay?”

“Hmm?”

She gestures with her elbow. “Is your dad sick, or something?”

He looks down at his soup. “No.”

She furrows her eyebrows. “Then...”

“I… might have begged my mom to make this for our date tonight,” he says. “It’s my favorite, and I wanted to share it with you.”

Sana licks her lips to keep from beaming at him. She’s once peep away from ‘awwing’ at him again, and tells herself sternly not to do that. He’s looking down at his food, clearly embarrassed. It’s the cutest thing that Sana has ever seen, but she also wants to make sure he’s not uncomfortable. She takes another spoonful, glancing out onto the Oslo skyline to give him some time to collect himself.

“She makes it just like my grandfather does,” he says, finally. “Back in Ankara. I think she misses home, a lot. But it’s hard for her to go back. She’s never come with me during the summer, when I visit my grandparents.”

Sana nods. “I think it’s like that with my father, too. You know, he came here when he was an adult already.”

“And your mother?”

“She was born here, actually,” Sana tells him. “My grandparents were the ones who left Marrakesh to raise their family in Europe. So they both have such different relationships to Morocco.”

“Yeah?”

She tells him, “I think Baba always envisions himself going back, after he retires. But for Mama, this has always been her home. I don’t know if she would ever want to leave Norway.”

He says, “Yeah. Even though my mom didn’t grow up here, I can’t see her ever leaving the country, either.”

She smiles. “Though, one of Mama’s favorite stories is how they went back for their honeymoon, to visit Meknes, where Baba is from. She said the entire time, everyone thought she was the local and he was the tourist.”

He snorts. “Really?”

“Yeah, people kept coming up to them and deferring to her when asking for directions,” Sana says.

Yousef grins. “I bet that’s going to happen to us, when we go to Turkey.”

She almost chokes on her soup. “When we go to Turkey?”

“Yeah,” he says, smiling. “When we go together.”

Sana feels her entire body warm, and for once, she doesn’t know what to say back to him. She stares at his profile. Everything about him seems relaxed and happy; from the easy way he keeps eating to the way his eyes are crinkled in the corner. Sana nudges her knee against his lightly.

“Anyway,” he says. “This is my favorite dish ever. The recipe is amazing. Though much too advanced for you.”

Sana gives him a fake glare. “And why is that?”

He looks at her with a straight face. “Because the recipe says you have to be able to peel carrots correctly. I don’t think you’re the right person for that.”

She’s laughing again before he can even finish the sentence. “Ah, okay.”

“Yeah,” he teases.

She says, “It was nice of you to bring soup, though.”

“Yeah,” he says. “Nicer than some people I know, who refuse to bring their dates chocolate...”

“Yeah, that’s so annoying when people do that,” Sana says, nostrils flaring slightly.

He nods his head at her, grinning. “Yeah.”

Sana bites her lip to keep from smiling, and places her bowl and spoon down onto the dock. She ignores Yousef’s curious stares as she grabs her purse, and pulls it onto her lap. She rummages around in it for a moment, before pulling out a small box wrapped in shining paper. She places it on his thigh before turning to place her bag back down.

“You brought dinner, I brought dessert,” she tells him.

He grins at her and passes his soup over to her to hold before picking up the box. Unwrapping it slowly, he grins at her once he’s got the package open. It’s a bunch of different chocolates, all of them different sizes and flavors. He snickers and picks up a white chocolate square, drizzled with strawberry sauce.

“Not real chocolate, huh?” he teases her. “Then how come they sell it in the box?”

“I asked them to do that, just for you,” she says.

“Oh yeah?”

“Uh huh.”

 

+++

 

He walks her home, because of course he does. They end up the chocolates as they walk, passing the box back and forth between them. They end up sharing some of the pieces. Sana passing half-eaten raspberry milk chocolates to Yousef because they taste really good and he wants to try it; Yousef accidently biting into something that’s dark chocolate with almonds, and giving the rest to Sana because he hates nuts. Their hands brush together often and more than once, Sana gently slaps Yousef’s hand away for trying to steal the ones that he knows she really wants. They grin and laugh at each other the entire way, walking leisurely through Oslo.

“This is the best way to break a fast,” Yousef says after they’re finished.

Sana nods, licking chocolate off of her thumb. “Though...”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t know how much I deserved it,” she tells him. “I haven’t been a very good person during this fast.”

“No?”

He tosses the empty box into a trashcan on the corner. He looks at her, considering, as they wait for the light to change so they can cross the street. Sana thinks about everything that’s happened the past few weeks, everything she’s done or hasn’t done. How even though she feels happier now, she knows she’s made a lot of mistakes. How even though everyone she loves seems to be welcoming her in and continuing to love her anyway, it still feels so fucking hard to accept that all the time. How she’s sort of on edge, just waiting for the other foot to drop, for all of the darkness to overtake her when she hasn’t been paying attention. She knows that this is life, dealing with depression and anxiety, and she shouldn’t be blaming herself. But there’s still this small part of her…

“I feel really guilty about… cutting people out, making a lot of assumptions. Enjoying other people’s misery,” Sana says, thinking specifically of the Pepsi Max girls. “Even when they deserved it.”

“You know, there’s still a week left of Ramadan,” he says. “You can spend that time making up for it. Putting good into the world. Showing the people you love that you appreciate them.”

“That’s true.”

Yousef smiles. “But for the record, I don’t think that’s being a bad person. I think that’s just being a person.”

Sana smiles, small. “Yeah.”

“You don’t have to like everyone, you know? And not everyone has to like you. I think...”

“You think?”

“That when it comes down to it, you just have to find your people and focus on them, you know? Like a revue party.”

She blinks at him. “A revue party?”

“Yeah. Like when you first get to one, you look for the people you know, so you won’t be there on your own. On one side, there are the gangsters from the Sound and Equipment group, and then there are the preps from the PR group on the other side. And everyone is just trying to stand in their groups, you know, have their own pre-parties and stuff. All so no one has to be alone.”

“So, the whole world is a big revue party?”

“Yeah,” he smiles. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

 

+++

 

When they finally reach her house, they both stop on the sidewalk, facing each other. Sana looks up at Yousef, mouth turning up into a small smile as she stares into his eyes. He tilts his head down slightly. They hands meet in the middle, fingers brushing against palms and nails gently scraping across skin. It’s an easy and quiet moment, the air between them filled with all of the things Sana wants to say to hi. She wants to tell him how much fun she’s had and she wants to ask when they can go out again. He cocks his head and his lips part slightly, like he’s going to say something. Sana thinks about the last time they were here, late at night, in front of her place. _Are you looking into my eyes now? Are you?_

He says, “Can I tell you something about my parents?”

She nods, heart beating against her shirt. “Yeah.”

His voice lowers. “Everyone in my family always teases my dad, because the first time he said ‘I love you’ to my mother after their first date.”

The word is barely a noise when she says, “Really?”

He nods, eyes dark and sparkling. “When I was younger, I always thought it was really romantic, but one of those things that was kind of impossible. You know? To know that you love someone after only having gone out with them once.”

She licks her lips.

“But now....” the corner of his mouth ticks up. “Now I know that anything is possible.”

She reaches up, standing on her toes, to throw her arms around his neck. She pushes her face against his, the fabric from her hijab and his hoodie the only things separating their cheeks. This is the only thing she can do in response, as her mind turns to static. She feels his arms go around her, holding her tightly, as his fingers press into her back. His head ducks down a bit, closer to her ear, and she can just barely feel his lips tracing against the cloth there. When he speaks, she feels more than hears the softly spoken words.

“What do you think?” he asks.

She speaks into his neck. “I don’t think it’s that impossible. Especially if you’ve known someone for a long time.”

“For years?” he asks.

She nods, her forehead rubbing against his shoulder. “Sometimes… you just know who your soul mate is.”

His fingers clench onto her back, fisting the fabric of her jacket tightly. He rumbles slightly like he’s laughing, and she smiles at the sound, at the feeling of it. His arms squeeze around her slightly; he holds onto her like she’s some kind of miracle and he’s worried she’ll vanish if he loosens his grip.

 

+++

 

**Yousef Acar**

**_[Today,_ ** _1:02 **]**_

 

Thanks for tonight Yousef

I had an amazing time

I did too <3

 

 **_[Today,_ ** _2:11 **]**_

Sana?

Yousef?

I know this is corny

But I can’t sleep

Is everything okay?

I keep thinking about that swan

What if he gets his friends together and they all come after me?

Yousef

Sana?

The swan isn’t gonna come after you

It might

I’ll protect you, okay?

If it does

Which it won’t

I know you’re laughing at me, but please....

Okay

I promise!

Trust me?

Yes.

Forever

<3

<3

 

+++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I know Vilde's interest in the zodiac is put in here for laughs, but it's no offense at my fellow astrology enthusiasts! I am definitely way into it as well and was poking fun at myself for that bit haha. The descriptions comes from http://astro.cafeastrology.com/natal.php ! 
> 
> 2) Also I totally stole the diversion photography technique from an episode of The Fosters but I don't remember what it's called, so there's my stumbling explanation lol
> 
> 3) One more chapter left loves! Thanks for sticking with me. I hope you all enjoyed this, and please drop a review if you can!

**Author's Note:**

> Small but important: most of my Jamilla headcanons now come from this post, OP thank you for blessing us -  
> http://danwi1ds.tumblr.com/post/160991058257/weirdly-specific-headcanons-about-jamilla
> 
>  
> 
> Please let me know what you think, I look forward to reading your reviews! <3


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